It was a small cemetery surrounded by an iron fence and trees. Stones jutted from the ground at weird angles. A paper-plate moon hung overhead.
They met in front of a grave shaped like a Celtic cross. Carved at the bottom was a heart with the words and symbol "Brad + Lindsey." Brad said hello. Lindsey said hello and nodded. She was holding Brad's Nightbreed DVD.
"Sorry I forgot to return it." She said. "I only got half an hour in before falling asleep. I'll rent it sometime."
Brad looked at the DVD, then at the cemetery gate, then at Lindsey.
"You're a Sheet Phantom, aren't you?"
"Justin thought you were Gremory, but he was wrong. I looked at your LiveJournal, and your username, Heathen Stomp, is an anagram for Sheet Phantom."
Lindsey frowned. "I can see why I broke up with you."
Brad smirked. "So you can put a curse on someone else's iPhone?"
Lindsey crossed her arms. "That was a virus."
Brad nodded. "That you teleported into my phone with your phantom powers. But I forgive you." He put his hand on Lindsey's shoulder. "I know how emotional phantoms can be."
"Stop it!" Lindsey pushed away Brad's hand and clenched her fists. "I'm not a phantom. Would a phantom cook you meals, or organize your DVDs, or make out with you even though you're the Chris Fucking Berman of dirty talk?"
Brad shrugged. "Maybe. I know how desperate and lonely your kind is."
"What, Sheet Phantoms?"
"No, LiveJournal users."
"Fuck you!" Lindsey threw the DVD at the grave, breaking the case.
"No!" Brad fell to his knees and picked up the disc. It was severely scratched. He beat the cross with his fist.
"I lied," Lindsey said as she walked away. "I watched the whole thing and it sucked."
"That was the collector's edition," Brad sobbed. He hit the cross again. He looked at his hand and saw it was bleeding. The blood ran down his wrist. It stained the cross where his and Lindsey's names were carved.
He collapsed in front of the cross and wept. A cloud covered the moon and it started to rain.
Heartfelt thanks to Nikki "My Demon Lover" Burch for the beautiful illustrations!
The first phase of The Olive Garden's cyber rollout will introduce their Neverending Pneumatic Pasta Tube. This works on the same principal as bank drive-thru deposit tubes, but with unfrozen linguini and spaghetti.
Do you remember the crazy clothes and hair of the 1990s? Do you remember Crystal Pepsi and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? Do you remember where you hid the box your mother gave you?
Were you enjoying your day? STOP! There is outrageous crap going on you need to know about!
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.