• The World's Most Dangerous Band

    The World's Most Dangerous Band

    We’ve been called the world’s most dangerous band. That title mainly refers to the danger of being in our band, which has lost several members due to drug overdoses, time-travel mishaps or because they were eaten by our drummer, Quark. I'd fire Quark, but he's 12 feet tall and is our moral compass for all decisions that don't involve eating people.

  • Freakypizza: The Sweater Curse

    Freakypizza: The Sweater Curse

    Elliot said my breakup must have been due to the sweater curse, an unexplained phenomenon where anyone who gives their significant other a hand-knit sweater gets dumped. The only way to break the curse, Elliot said, was to destroy the sweater.

  • Freakypizza: The Legend of Grout Man

    Freakypizza: The Legend of Grout Man

    Elliot told us the legend of Grout Man, a ghostly being who used his psychic powers to make teenagers steal grout and bring it to his mansion in the woods. He then made them grout the tiles on his patio for all eternity.

  • The Kill List MFA Program

    The Kill List MFA Program

    The Kill List MFA Program grants a terminal (no pun intended) degree in writing lists of targets for the U.S. government to extrajudicially murder. The online program meets twice a year to workshop the students' lists.

  • More Things That Happen When You Assume

    More Things That Happen When You Assume

    You know what happens when you assume ... or do you? Here are some more consequences of assuming you might not be aware of.

  • Spice up Your Romance with These Free Love Coupons!

    Spice up Your Romance with These Free Love Coupons!

    Has the passion been fading from your relationship? Maybe it's time to try something new! Remind your partner that you love him or her with these fun and unique love coupons.

  • A Map of Brooklyn Street Gangs

    A Map of Brooklyn Street Gangs

    Brooklyn was once a hotbed of gang violence, with groups like the Pure Hells, Satan Souls and Screaming Phantoms carving out their turf. The borough has gotten a bit safer over the years, but many dangerous gangs are still at large.

  • The Do's and Don'ts of Camming

    The Do's and Don'ts of Camming

    The unexamined life is not worth living, which is why it's important to live your life in front of a webcam, where it can be examined by hundreds of lonely men. But like any fine art, camming has its do's and don'ts.

  • Shocking True Stories of Bullying

    Shocking True Stories of Bullying

    Sometimes I'd get bullied while driving the driver's ed car. The guy behind me would give me a wet willy so hard that his finger would poke through my eardrum and into my skull, damaging the part of my brain that processed depth and time.

  • Bumper Sticker Reviews

    Bumper Sticker Reviews

    I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.

  • The Top 6 Places to Visit in New York City

    The Top 6 Places to Visit in New York City

    Recently, I won a trip to New York City to appear on "New York or Butts?", a game show where contestants must distinguish aerial photos of Manhattan from pictures of bloody, hemorrhoidal anuses. While touring the city, I discovered some great spots that all visitors to the Big Apple should add to their itinerary.

  • I'm Terrified of White People

    I'm Terrified of White People

    I'm walking down the street when a white man asks me if I know what time it is. I think he's trying to mug me or sell me Bruce Springsteen tickets, so I throw my pizza at him and run.

  • Cancer Overawareness

    Cancer Overawareness

    CANCER FACT: A group of people called "Cancer Chasers" try to contract cancer by sleeping with cancer patients. Most are unsuccessful, except for a few who get cancer from smoking after sex.

  • Haunted House Ride

    Haunted House Ride

    Two zombies who've just finished their shift board the train and kick me out of my seat, explaining that the backs of haunted house rides are reserved for cool people. "Have you ever touched and then ripped off and eaten a boob?" one says to me. "Yeah, that's what I thought."

  • Meditations from a Movable Weiner

    Meditations from a Movable Weiner

    Sometimes I dream that I'm sitting in the back of the defunct Weinermobile as it careens driverless down the highway. At first I thought this was symbolic of the powerlessness I feel in life, but then I realized it's actually the Weinermobile's dream of being able to drive again.

  • The Plower

    The Plower

    Winter is a cold, inhuman force, so plow drivers are trained to be cold and inhuman as well. On their first day on the job they're subjected to Chinese snowflake torture - basically the same as water torture except with snowflakes instead of water and Christmas carols playing in the background.

  • College: Dreams Come Here to Die

    College: Dreams Come Here to Die

    The walls of my dorm are covered with supermodel posters. Today I tore one down looking for an electrical outlet and saw the words "HELP ME" written repeatedly on the wall in a mix of blood and hair gel, but then the poster re-affixed itself to the wall like a rapidly healing wound.

  • F for Friendetta

    F for Friendetta

    Scott said that he loved me but only as a friend, not a best friend like I wanted him to be. Since then our lunches have been awkward; the last time, when he vomited from Burger Hub's cadmium-tainted glasses, we just silently watched his vomit dry for 20 minutes.

  • Notes from the Opposite Side of the Room My Coworkers Are On

    Notes from the Opposite Side of the Room My Coworkers Are On

    Years of listening to my coworkers' stories about their weekends have given me the ability to see them as high-def 3D movies, more real than my own life. I walk into a coworker's campsite, her tent a skyward arrow indicating the course of her future.

  • Guitar Supermen Are Our Superiors

    Guitar Supermen Are Our Superiors

    The singer dove off the stage and crowd surfed in a sort of reverse funeral procession where the person being carried is the only one truly alive. Touching him I felt religious ecstasy and started speaking in tongues and requesting songs that didn't exist.

  • Dear Lisa, I Have a Drug Problem

    Dear Lisa, I Have a Drug Problem

    To be a designated driver I drink beer, then do coke to cancel out the beer, then Quaaludes to take the edge off the coke, then PCP to stay awake on the Quaaludes, then more beer to drown out my friends, who are yelling at me to find my clothes and get off the roof because they want to go home.

  • A Transvestite's Prom

    A Transvestite's Prom

    Eryk danced with the dress across the parking lot. The street lights became disco balls, the raccoons by the dumpster became promgoers and slow-dance music played from the storm drains. "Look,” the dress said, “They’re announcing us prom queen and queen.”

  • Pharmacies and the Depressed People who Love Them

    Pharmacies and the Depressed People who Love Them

    The mortar and pestle on pharmacy signs looks like an inverted Taco Bell logo. Old people sometimes confuse the two and go to Taco Bell for their heart medicine and get triple beef burritos and die instantly.

  • Sobriety vs. Demonic Toys

    Sobriety vs. Demonic Toys

    The poor quality of the tape makes it look less like a movie and more like a director’s half-formed idea for one. After a few drinks the room looks the same way, making you forget which side of the screen you’re on.

  • Only Attractive People can Shop at Abercrombie & Fitch

    Only Attractive People can Shop at Abercrombie & Fitch

    If an unattractive person somehow gets their hands on forbidden Abercrombie & Fitch merchandise, dodging the lava pits and robot mannequins that throw the ampersands from their A&F T-shirts like shurikens, they'll fall victim to the store's mirrors, which explode if they display unattractive people, shooting shards of glass into the people's faces.

  • Portrait of a Sneeze Fetish Model

    Portrait of a Sneeze Fetish Model

    In today’s video Emma is doing forced sneezes, where a man holds a handful of pepper under her nose. She secretly enjoys these videos the most. While she hates being dominated during sex, her sinuses are naturally submissive.

  • Some Types of Parties

    Some Types of Parties

    Life is just a vast warehouse of people, music and beer to be assembled into parties. Here are some of the most popular types of parties happening today.

  • A Bunch of Gay Ravers took over My McDonald's

    A Bunch of Gay Ravers took over My McDonald's

    One night in 1989 I showed up to my job at the McDonald’s in Times Square, New York, and the place was filled with gay ravers. They were dressed as gay versions of McDonald’s mascots, like Mac Tonight in Liberace garb and Mayor McCheese with a rainbow sash.

  • Psychologists Are Reptiles

    Psychologists Are Reptiles

    As janitor at a counseling office, one of my jobs is to clean the secret staff entrance. The entrance, a 50-foot hallway, runs between the office and the alternate universe where psychologists live.

  • Erotic Cashier Stories

    Erotic Cashier Stories

    The touchscreen had an interface I didn't understand, and I kept hitting the wrong buttons, flooding the screen with error messages. Each one made the cashier cringe, but told me to keep going. As I fumbled through the menus trying to upgrade my meal he began breathing heavily.

  • The Video Game I Made about My Mom's Third Divorce

    The Video Game I Made about My Mom's Third Divorce

    In 1996 I won Fox Kids' Create a Video Game Sweepstakes, a contest where the winner got to work with Sega to design their own video game. As a 13-year-old nerd I would've been thrilled, except that my mom and current dad were getting divorced at the time.

  • Reality Journal

    Reality Journal

    Total daymare last afternoon. I waked I saw all the monsters from my nightmares, but in human form, as coworkers, family members, and random people on the street.

  • Microwave Dinner Recipes

    Microwave Dinner Recipes

    Microwave dinners make passable meals on nights you don't feel like sitting alone at Wendy's or cooking a Hamburger Helper meal for one. The only problem with these frozen slabs of vaguely foodlike slush is that they always taste the same. Maybe it's time to change things up with one of these recipes.

  • Scared Straight at the Supermarket

    Scared Straight at the Supermarket

    As part of my probation for my recent drug arrest, I have to spend a day with a heroin addict. After shooting up, he says we need to go somewhere. I assume it's to score more heroin, but instead we end up at the supermarket.

  • Stop Making Fun of My Alternative Tea

    Stop Making Fun of My Alternative Tea

    Every time I visit your store to buy a six pack of Twisted Tea you laugh at me. Just because I drink alternative tea doesn't mean I'm some kind of freak.

  • Nioxin Will Make Your Living Hair Dead

    Nioxin Will Make Your Living Hair Dead

    The new 'miracle' hair care product Nioxin has some severe side effects that everyone should be aware of.

  • How Your Tip Affects Your Next Delivery

    How Your Tip Affects Your Next Delivery

    I've been delivering your food for several months now, but lately you've been having second thoughts about tipping me. Well, despite what you think, tips are important, as they have a drastic impact on how your next order is handled.

  • Fast Food Reviews

    Fast Food Reviews

    Some of the most interesting and informative fast-food reviews from around the web.

  • The Scariest Thoughts of Serial Killers

    The Scariest Thoughts of Serial Killers

    We asked several notorious serial killers to tell us the scariest things they could think of. Beware, their answers are not for the faint of heart.

  • Everyday Nightmares

    Everyday Nightmares

    You're lying in bed and there's a spider crawling toward you. You try to want to move, but are too depressed.

  • Oleg's Lie Will Come Home To Roost

    Oleg's Lie Will Come Home To Roost (Part 4)

    Oleg makes me fallguy for soda machine prank. Time to even the score.

  • The Best of The Pirate Bay's Physibles Page

    The Best of The Pirate Bay's Physibles Page

    Last year, The Pirate Bay opened a “physibles” section for objects that you can download and make with a 3D printer. Here are some of the highlights so far.

  • Guest Feedback: Wolfman

    Guest Feedback: Wolfman

    "Cashier 'Wolfman' greeted me with an enthusiastic growl and feverishly punched in my order on his touchscreen. I have to say I was impressed by his vigor. My order was made wrong, but this is hardly Wolfman’s fault. If those grill workers had half his dedication, they’d read their slips correctly."

  • Classic Novels AutoSummarized

    Classic Novels AutoSummarized

    Microsoft Word has a wonderful non-sequitur device called AutoSummarize. Unleashed on classic novels, it yields summaries that are both funny and surprisingly accurate.

  • A Dude's Dilemma

    A Dude's Dilemma

    "Hey, I think my water bottle rolled into your stall. Can you hand it back?" "Sure ... no wait." "What?" "My hand, it's been in my groin region..."

  • Unpopular Urban Legends

    Unpopular Urban Legends

    We’re all familiar with urban legends: those time-honored, hand-me-down myths about killers in the backseat, spiders in hairdos and phone calls from inside the house. But for every popular urban legend we’ve heard, there are several others that have never taken off. Let’s look at a few of these lesser-known tales.

  • Dear Target Employee,

    Dear Target Employee,

    We've noticed that you haven't been following certain store rules. Our rules are important for maintaining a friendly atmosphere for our guests and a healthy and productive working environment for our team. Please review the following incidents and reflect on how you could've handled them better.

  • Internet Writers Guild of America Registry Form

    Internet Writers Guild of America Registry Form

    For a small fee, the Internet Writers Guild of America Registry documents your authorship of a work, protecting it from potential plagiarism. (Note: due to recent market fluctuations, the IWGA no longer accepts payment in Bitcoins.)

  • History's Greatest Icings

    History's Greatest Icings

    Remember 'icing'? Wikipedia defines it as a game that requires cunning, keen misdirection and flair.

  • This New Slave Is the Worst

    This New Slave Is the Worst

    I caught him nailing his testicles to the roof with the nailgun. He must hate working if he's willing to stage such an elaborate injury just to get out of laying some shingles! I was pretty upset, so he apologized and asked if I was going to whip him. I told him yes, I was definitely going to crack the whip, so to speak, by giving him more chores.

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