SUPREME COURT OF GEORGIA COURT CASE: S16U9022

JOHNATHON FRENT vs. THE DEVIL


PROSECUTING ATTORNEY WALTER HORNING: Prosecution would like to call to the stand the devil himself.

JUDGE REGGIE BOFKIN: Very well, Mr. Horning.

COURT CLERK CINDY GREY: Do you, The Devil, affirm to tell the truth - the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you?

SATAN: Truth affirmed, mortal!

PROSECUTOR HORNING: Good morning there, Devil. May I call you The Devil?

SATAN: That would make for some awkward sentence structure. May I call you The Lawyer?

PROSECUTOR HORNING: Good point- moving right along. Satan ... can you tell the members of the jury where you were on the day of August 28th, 1978?

SATAN: Yes I can. I was in Georgia. I was looking for a soul to steal. I was in a bind and I was way behind. I was willing to make ...

PROSECUTOR HORNING: We're all aware of your soul-collection deficit that day, Satan. No need to regale us. So you're roaming the woods of Georgia trying to find someone to rob of their soul. And can you tell the court whom it is you found on that day?

SATAN: Yes ... I came across a young man sawing on a fiddle and playing it hot, then I jumped up on a hickory stump and ...

PROSECUTOR HORNING: Again Satan, there's no need to go all 'Charlie Daniels' on us. You agree that the man you met that day was the plaintiff, Mr. Johnathon Frent.

SATAN: He only referred to himself as 'Johnny.' I can't confirm his full name, no.

PROSECUTOR HORNING: That's interesting, Satan. I would think you'd be fully aware of the plaintiff's name, being as it's written and signed more than a dozen times in the contract you penned that day. Is that correct?

SATAN: I'm not aware of any contract.

PROSECUTOR HORNING: Really? Well, a search warrant of your chateau in Hell turned up no less than three copies of said contract. Why, Mr. Frent himself even presented us with the copy you provided him that day! The prosecution would like to enter into evidence Exhibit A: The contract between Johnathon Frent and The Devil written and signed on that ...

SATAN: HOW DARE YOU ACCUSE THE PRINCE OF DARKNESS OF SUCH LIES!?! I WILL CRUSH YOUR BODY BENEATH THE WEIGHT OF MY HELLISH LEGS!!! I WILL PERCH UPON YOUR TWISTED CORPSE AND PICK THROUGH YOUR BURSTING ABDOMEN, MY FINGERS DRIPPING WITH THE ...

JUDGE BOFKIN: ORDER IN THE COURT! ORDER IN THE COURT!

SATAN: I'm sorry, your honor.

JUDGE BOFKIN: I'll allow the evidence.

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Meditations from a Movable Weiner

    Meditations from a Movable Weiner

    Sometimes I dream that I'm sitting in the back of the defunct Weinermobile as it careens driverless down the highway. At first I thought this was symbolic of the powerlessness I feel in life, but then I realized it's actually the Weinermobile's dream of being able to drive again.

  • BarkWire.com Dog Reviews: The Barquis de Sade & Cleaver

    BarkWire.com Dog Reviews: The Barquis de Sade & Cleaver

    Three years ago, when we were burying my uncle, Cleaver and some gross lady dog (Solstice???) showed up at the cemetery and starting going at it really loudly. It ruined everything and we had to have a "re-do" the next day and it cost a fortune. I've hated him ever since for that.

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.