SUPREME COURT OF GEORGIA COURT CASE: S16U9022
JOHNATHON FRENT vs. THE DEVIL
PROSECUTING ATTORNEY WALTER HORNING: Prosecution would like to call to the stand the devil himself.
JUDGE REGGIE BOFKIN: Very well, Mr. Horning.
COURT CLERK CINDY GREY: Do you, The Devil, affirm to tell the truth - the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you?
SATAN: Truth affirmed, mortal!
PROSECUTOR HORNING: Good morning there, Devil. May I call you The Devil?
SATAN: That would make for some awkward sentence structure. May I call you The Lawyer?
PROSECUTOR HORNING: Good point- moving right along. Satan ... can you tell the members of the jury where you were on the day of August 28th, 1978?
SATAN: Yes I can. I was in Georgia. I was looking for a soul to steal. I was in a bind and I was way behind. I was willing to make ...
PROSECUTOR HORNING: We're all aware of your soul-collection deficit that day, Satan. No need to regale us. So you're roaming the woods of Georgia trying to find someone to rob of their soul. And can you tell the court whom it is you found on that day?
SATAN: Yes ... I came across a young man sawing on a fiddle and playing it hot, then I jumped up on a hickory stump and ...
PROSECUTOR HORNING: Again Satan, there's no need to go all 'Charlie Daniels' on us. You agree that the man you met that day was the plaintiff, Mr. Johnathon Frent.
SATAN: He only referred to himself as 'Johnny.' I can't confirm his full name, no.
PROSECUTOR HORNING: That's interesting, Satan. I would think you'd be fully aware of the plaintiff's name, being as it's written and signed more than a dozen times in the contract you penned that day. Is that correct?
SATAN: I'm not aware of any contract.
PROSECUTOR HORNING: Really? Well, a search warrant of your chateau in Hell turned up no less than three copies of said contract. Why, Mr. Frent himself even presented us with the copy you provided him that day! The prosecution would like to enter into evidence Exhibit A: The contract between Johnathon Frent and The Devil written and signed on that ...
SATAN: HOW DARE YOU ACCUSE THE PRINCE OF DARKNESS OF SUCH LIES!?! I WILL CRUSH YOUR BODY BENEATH THE WEIGHT OF MY HELLISH LEGS!!! I WILL PERCH UPON YOUR TWISTED CORPSE AND PICK THROUGH YOUR BURSTING ABDOMEN, MY FINGERS DRIPPING WITH THE ...
JUDGE BOFKIN: ORDER IN THE COURT! ORDER IN THE COURT!
SATAN: I'm sorry, your honor.
JUDGE BOFKIN: I'll allow the evidence.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
Cons: causes bad nightmares. I used to have to eat beef until I passed out to have these kind of terrors, but this machine does it for me every time I fall asleep inside it.
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