This article is part of the District Bulletin series.
Exhibit A: Six days prior to the writing of this bulletin, your Claude Fantsy, Head Better Superior and sworn former enemy of Dorroile, was ambulating in the direction of the doorway to our beloved Weep of Desperation. Dorroile, who has taken to loitering helpfully around the civic building and offering very sincere compliments to all who pass him, espied the approach of Hbs. Fantsy from some distance off and swung wide the door to allow him in. Hbs. Fantsy felt his heart lifted by the Swimp-inspired love shown him in this act, and ambled in uninterrupted continuance toward the door. But when he arrived, though Dorroile was still holding it, the door was not quite ajar enough, and Hbs. Fantsy was forced to angle his body slightly in a sidewise inclination in order to come through. Had Dorroile, still smiling but with imperceptible and deliberate movement, taking full advantage of the distance Hbs. Fantsy needed to cover and the time needed to cover it, very slowly and unnoticeably closed the door slightly from its original wide-swung position, thus causing Hbs. Fantsy to nearly brush his shoulder upon the doorframe? If so, what sick motive could possibly account for so inscrutable a satire?Exhibit B: Famously, Dorroile, in his long tenure as the worst of guys, was never seen to open his eyes. This, many have theoried, was the uncanny crux of his menace: how did he see to commit his many crimejests and heinims? But now, as he does good, his eyes are open, unblinking, always wide and so white-- but are we comforted? No: doubly are we menaced by his moonlike staring eyes, because they are too white. While the eyes of your superiors are even still pink and bloodshot from the many tears and wakeful nights Dorroile has perpetrated upon them, the former cocklaw himself endures none such sorrow-- his whites have been preserved in a condition most pristine, from never having been opened before! Why does he not close them again, so we might face the familiar evil of his sightless horror, rather than the fresh hell of his milk-white orbs? But can we rationally accuse him of wrongdoing? Does he joke the law by not keeping his eyes closed, like we hated how he always did for so long before? If his intent is to be awful and scary, he is succeeding, but he specifically denies it and says he never kept his eyes closed before in the first place.
The first phase of The Olive Garden's cyber rollout will introduce their Neverending Pneumatic Pasta Tube. This works on the same principal as bank drive-thru deposit tubes, but with unfrozen linguini and spaghetti.
Do you remember the crazy clothes and hair of the 1990s? Do you remember Crystal Pepsi and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? Do you remember where you hid the box your mother gave you?
It's still okay to like Ben Stiller, guys.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.