11:15, restate my assumptions: 1. Mathematics is the language of nature. 2. Everything around us can be represented and understood through numbers. 3. I can trace my hand and make a turkey. Therefore: turkeys are hands. Which means: I ate a hand today.
I found an egg in the woolly knot of a lowdown bean tree. Leathery as Ron Pappy's waddle. Huevos de tortuga? Newp. Not in a tree, baby. You might still find their hives, but climbing turtles haven't been around this part of Kentucky for ages. It was huevos de brontuga. A dino egg. I held something so ancient in my hand and yet inside I could feel the beating of this animal life. Was it awakened by my touch? "Did I dew thaaaat?"
When you grow up you can be whatever you want. I'm a libertarian. My main thing is freedom. I guess you could say it's what I'm into. I'm free to do whatever I want: don't wear pants, wear pants, wear pants as my shirt, cut the legs off my pants and wear cutoffs, have a Peepwich for lunch.
Oh, I'm sorry, did I just pop your thinker?
Four Marshmallow Peeps, pink preferred, two pieces of bread, and . And a microwave. Put them all on a plate. Set for one minute. Watch it. Peeps plus 'crowaves: grow the food stock, feed the hungry. Give a man a giant peep, messy baby eat him up a peep. Teach a man to peep, well by god he'll never stop, day and night, so don't do that. When the 'crowave bips don't wait you got to eat it right away. Often imitated, never matched. Add PB for protein if you lift weights.
(c) Rand Paul, Rand Paul Cookbook, Rand (Paul) Corporation, 1996
The egg counter has been java appleted on ILOVERANDPAULFORSENATOR.KENTUCKY.GOV and it is counting down until 11:59PM on Halloween which is when the egg will hatch. If a firewall blocks you here's a live stream:
Did a supporter stomp on a woman's lesbian neck plus face? Yes. The corner of it, a little. I'm sorry, yes. Here's your wig back, gorgeous. What am I gonna do with these goofs? Hey, buddies, come on now. Come on...
The question that makes me maddest is, "Hey, is Sarah Palin qualified to be the President of the USA?" First of all, none of your business. Second, yes! Heck yes! What sort of question is that? Answer is in the Constitution. Over 35. USA natural citizen. Banging body. Funny as all get out. Great mommy to those kids. Great role model. Mama Grizzly. Knows the truth about the Amero. Constitution? Yes, please. Lovely talker.
She already is President as far as I'm concerned. Just put her in the President jumpsuit with the lightning bolts up the side.
I hope it's a Utahraptor in that egg. Reasons: 1. Utah is a great state. 2. Raptors are my favorite bird category. 3. Biggest raptor. 4. Deadly, but fair. 5. I will raise it as a human baby until it outgrows all Casual Male clothes and then I will tell it that it is a dinosaur and teach it to hunt. Then I will kill it with my compound bow because it's my property and my right to murder a dinosaur in my own unzoned gravel pit full of skeletons.
Re: Aqua Buddha. Low blow. Low frigging blow, Conway.
Whoa breaking news there, Tacitus. Where'd you unfurl that papyrus? You want to dredge up my college monkeyshines and question my Christian faith when you yourself never once served as a Cuirassier de Christ. It's disgusting. In over 20 years of prayerfulness since that day I have not once tied up a hippie lady, drove her to a river, smoked her out like crazy, kissed her neck, shaved her beav, made her co-sign my car loan, drew her with charcoals, did it front ways and then did some occultistry. Not ONCE. You probably haven't even watched the movie Legion all the way through the credits to see the twist.
I'm gonna win. Ron Pappy knows I will. Celebration: Chase the devil. Shakeweight plus a pillow case plus a wasserbed. Plus a friend or spouse. I'm feeling ropey, so Ol' Sugar Scratch you better watch your horns. I am gonna rough you up good.
Wewp. Egg is pipping. Gotta go.
The first phase of The Olive Garden's cyber rollout will introduce their Neverending Pneumatic Pasta Tube. This works on the same principal as bank drive-thru deposit tubes, but with unfrozen linguini and spaghetti.
Do you remember the crazy clothes and hair of the 1990s? Do you remember Crystal Pepsi and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? Do you remember where you hid the box your mother gave you?
It's still okay to like Ben Stiller, guys.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.