Greetings and welcome to an important lesson on the inner workings of your body. Today's lecture is on the complexity of the human mind. Be sure to take notes throughout. For the following lesson, the image below shall represent your head. In this simulation, please consider that standing in front of you is a very lovely specimen of the opposite sex. The person has two things you've never experienced: good looks and confidence. Despite this disparity, they still want to talk to you. With that in mind, together we shall see a step-by-step break down on how your brain works.
1. As you look at the beautiful person in front of you, the first part of your brain receives input and goes to work. For the sake of convenience, we will call this section Frank and display him on the chart as a man in a trench coat. The person standing before you looks like the thousands and thousands of attractive people you've seen on the internet whenever you google the words "Hot", "Nude", and "Sweaty" and you really want this person to like you. Lucky for you, Frank is a nice guy and totally has your back. Unfortunately, he is also a little lazy, so it takes him a couple seconds to get started. As your body waits for Frank's messages, you remain motionless, stare blankly ahead with each eye blinking wildly, and stutter as Frank warms his system up. The person is patient and finds your discomfort strangely endearing. After thirty seconds of hard work, Frank delivers his first word, a crackled and weak "hi." Congratulations, your brain contacted an outside person. So far, so good.
2. The brain controls every aspect of your amazingly complex body, so it takes more than one busy man to work the switches. As Frank continues making progress in the subject of greetings, Keith is already hard at work. There are many interesting things to know about Keith, but for now we'll just focus on the most important: Keith hates Frank. Keith really hates Frank. While Frank has a window to the outside world and totally wants you to meet this stranger, Keith only gets to look at Frank, and he is not happy about that. Not happy at all. Stuck in a windowless room, Keith doesn't care about a lot of things. He wears an old bathrobe to work everyday and leaves his leftovers to mold inside the fridge at the brain work lounge, and, more than anything he does not care about making a good impression. Worse yet for you, he will do anything to ruin what Frank wants even if it means taking you down. Keith is why your siblings don't like to introduce you to their friends.
3. Since Keith can only interact with your body, he has already sent five lines out to the rest of your body. Though you are not normally considered a fast person, your innards are amazingly quick. While Frank is still trying to figure out which lever turns your awkward confused look into a smile, it only takes a millisecond for Keith's sneaky plans to get into motion.
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
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