This article is part of the Kennel Fair Dog Pageant series.
Dear Mr. Howdee,
We regret to inform you that your "dog" will not be invited to participate in the upcoming semifinals for one very important reason: it is not a dog. It was very clear to us that Warmonger 4000 was a remote-controlled car disguised as a dog by way of some very realistic fur. Judge Chester Knap and I agreed: Warmonger 4000 kicks butt! As much as we tried to stretch the rules to allow Warmonger 4000 to return, we were unable to do so without risking the integrity of the entire Kennel Fair Dog Pageant.
I have been asked by Mr. Knap to invite you and Warmonger 4000 to his personal barbecue at 4pm on Saturday, April 24th. Mr. Knap's barbecue is a very prestigious gathering of only the most elite in the dog pageant circle. Both he and I would love to get some more quality time in with Warmonger 4000, and perhaps put him through the ropes in the obstacle course Mr. Knap is already working on building in his backyard.
Mr. Knap has also asked me to relay to you that if you cannot make it, he is more than willing to personally pick up Warmonger 4000 and any accessories, such as spare batteries or speed-boosting turbo packs. He mentioned he can return him after the barbecue, or at a later date if you'd like to have some time to yourself.
Eagerly anticipating your reply,
Bernard W. Beauregard
Dear Mrs. Bixsteen
I am sad to inform you that your canine, Apache, is disqualified from competing in the Kennel Fair Dog Pageant on the grounds that it is deceased. While the quality of the taxidermy you purchased for your beloved friend is truly remarkable, our pageant is intended to celebrate truly remarkable living dogs.
Condolences on your loss (both of them).
Bernard W. Beauregard
Obviously, the first thing necessary to getting back in shape is buying a bunch of expensive knick-knacks.
Finally, a look at the candidate's long-delayed tax returns.
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Kennel Fair is one of the premier organizations celebrating the majesty of the canine form. Through its numerous publications and ongoing Dog Pageants--hosted throughout the United States-- Kennel Fair sets the standards all dogs and their owners strive to meet.