Hi, I'm Joshua. Usually I'm a pretty good kid. My teacher says I'm the best student she's ever had in many basic subjects such as reading, math, end times prophecy, and cleaning my room. But she's only had one student because my teacher is my mom! Ha ha, yes, I'm home schooled, which is why cleaning my room was on the list of subjects, along with those other normal ones.
This is kinda what the biker looked like, but not quite.Of course I respect my parents, because the bible says "If your mother tells you to do it, then do it. Don't come bothering your dad, especially when he's having a drink with his friends" (Luke 4:3), but like many home schooled kids, I sometimes feel the need to rebel. Which is why one time I took drugs with a bunch of devil worshipping gay bikers. Don't worry! My mom and dad weren't home and I cleaned up the house real good and also apologized to Jesus so there was no harm. Most of you probably don't understand the world as much as I do, so I thought I'd tell you a little about what it's really like to take drugs.
The first thing I did was shut all the blinds around the house because I know Jesus can see everywhere and he can even see through walls ("Lo, I am watching you. Stop that." Mark 8:15), but I thought if I covered the windows it might take longer for him to see what I was doing and by then I probably would be done. Then I got out the phone book and I looked up "drugs" and picked one out and called it. They said the drugs would come over soon, and I could tell the guy on the phone was with the devil because he had a deep voice.
Then some bikers showed up with the drugs, and they got the drugs from the democrats and our tax dollars. And they were all swearing and stuff cuz they were bikers and they were saying stuff like "Let's inject fuck some drugs," and "Satan. Shit," and also like stuff like "These drugs have really evolved me" because that's how much they were with the devil.
And one of them had a tattoo and it was of Harry Potter. He waved his hand and made Harry Potter start walking around his arm because he was a biker warlock. ("Warlocks are bad but biker warlocks are super-bad, like soooo bad." Genesis 14:2) Then I asked to see his dog tags, because at bible camp they said we were soldiers for Christ and handed out plastic dog tags and also plastic guns and we pretended to shoot little paper people and the people were sins, so anyway this guy was a soldier for Satan so I asked to see his dog tags but he didn't have any because he had engraved his name in his SKULL.
Then it was time for him to give me the injection of drugs so he pulled out the bottle and put on the white coat and then he rubbed a cotton ball with alcohol on my arm and said "There's no candy if you sit through this shot! The Devil!" and I said the "the devil" too cuz I was being a rebel against Jesus Christ's will and the biker high-fived me and my hand caught on fire.
So after we had taken the drugs they decided to be gay for a little while and they did stuff like take off their shirts in front of each other and show each other their muscles and also put their hands on each other's butts. And the drugs had possessed me too so I decided to be gay too and I took off my shirt in front of them and they were like, "We're looking at your muscles now. Yes, hell! We're gay!" and then one biker hugged another biker and they didn't hit each other on the back while they were doing it to show it wasn't gay, so it was gay.
Suddenly I thought: wait, here I am being gay with my shirt off and what if the rapture happened RIGHT NOW and I had to go to heaven while I was gay? Because we are the last generation to live on this earth and my grandpa said he thought that too about his generation but my dad said he's crazy because he's old and that he eats our money or something, so I think grandpa is probably wrong. But if Jesus called all his Christians into his arms right now he'd gather all of us up and then go "Oh man, I think I'm touching a gay person right now. Gross," and then he'd have to look through us all and I'd be standing there without my shirt and he'd be like "Ok, I found him" and toss me into hell.
Ok, like this but with like glowing eyes and stuff.Then I realized that they rapture people naked anyway ("I rapture people naked anyway" Luke 1:23) so he wouldn't be able to tell if I was gay, especially since I had thought to close the blinds and Jesus probably hadn't checked up on me yet. So I relaxed a little but I put my shirt back on just to be safe. The drugs were going pretty strong anyway, and I was already feeling the effects of them, like I believed in global warning and I didn't like big business and I was a hippy and stuff. But just while I was on them, I'm normal now.
After awhile the bikers said they had to go be gay devil-worshipping bikers somewhere else, so I said goodbye and they went off on their motorbikes on a "highway to hell", like in that song my dad plays when he thinks I'm not around.
Ok, so that's the time I took drugs. And it's the only time, cuz I imagine Jesus has like a clipboard and he's marking it down every time I do something bad and if he gets too many marks then I go to hell, so I have to balance that out. Which is why I did this article, I guess, as a public service for people who want to know what doing drugs with gay bikers is like if you don't want to do it yourself. But this doesn't have to be the only time I write stuff for this site because I came up with this idea, and it's a good enough idea that I'm gonna start another paragraph so it'll be at the top of the paragraph and will be its main idea.
I was thinking that since I know so much more about the world than most people, because I was educated well and have a personal relationship with its creator, that I could maybe answer some questions about how the world works and the bible and stuff. The bible says that "Answering people's questions is pretty neat and a cool thing to do" (1 Corinthians 3:17). You can't email me directly because my mom reads my email, and also because they have this program on the computer that blocks out every site except Yahoo, so just email [email protected] and he'll get your questions to me. So it's been fun talking to you all. Bye!
Transgressive author Chuck Palahniuk is here to help with tips and tricks to hacking your life.
Not what I had in mind when I ordered an Italian gondolier. This is literally just a tiny toy. Needless to say, the Italian businessmen were not impressed and I looked like a damn fool. We lost the pizza pie account and will have to lay off half our factory.
Time to applaud the man who applauds in a loop until the end of time.
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