Today's news update brought to you courtesy of the Evil Avatar Simulation Device

I just finally figured out the news updating system for this site. It's a big piece of crap and is about the most difficult pile of junk to use. I spent two hours typing in my news post, and then watched it all get wiped out because I hit the "DELETE" button instead of "SUBMIT". You think after having news systems around for twenty years, the idiots who programmed this stupid thing could figure out how to make it more user friendly and easy to understand. Now I have to type the whole thing over again and I'm really pissed off. Just to make sure I don't accidentally hit the "DELETE" button for a second time, I had to take a piece of masking tape and put it on my screen where the "DELETE" button was so I wouldn't press it again. I can't believe that it's come down to this. Well, I guess that's what we get when these money-grubbing bastards who code news systems are too busy counting their cash than actually making QUALITY PRODUCTS.

I just installed No One Lives Forever, and although I haven't played it yet, I can tell the game is a terrible waste of disk space. The lighting looks so stupid and crappy in those screenshots I almost looked at a few months ago. I hope Jason Hall gets testicular cancer and dies and then his body is thrown off a cliff into a vat of acid. Then I hope he goes to Hell and the Devil rapes him every minute of every day, because Jason Hall is an absolute idiot and can't do anything right and he lies and cheats and would kill your grandmother if he had the opportunity and I hate the jerk. I looked at some of the NOLF screenshots when waiting for Tribes to load on my other computer, and it just looks terrible. I saw this one screenshot, and a light was in the shape of a CIRCLE! Can you believe that? A light fixture that looks like a big circle? That's the dumbest thing ever! I hope everybody who plays NOLF gets shot in the face with a rifle, because if you buy this game you're stupid and deserve death. Just like Jason Hall. Screw you Jason Hall, your company is a sham and I'm still waiting for that patch for Shogo you asshole. I hope you go bankrupt and have to work the streets like the slut dog you are.

I just got Rand McNally's Great Globe Chase 2000 and I'm really enjoying this title. It took me a while to get it working, because the people who coded it obviously rushed the product out the door. I was on their tech support line for six hours because their tech support people are so dumb and incompetent. They kept asking me over and over what operating system I was using and I kept telling them "Compaq" over and over, but those idiots just didn't get it. Morons. I suppose that's what we, as the consumers who actually buy their crappy products, deserve. It's not like we're spending our hard-earned cash on their shovelware products or anything! Idiots.

Once I got the game working (tech support said I needed to install "drivers" for my "video card"), it was a total blast. You get to choose one of three planes and race across the world. It's an innovative and remarkable game, and if anybody at Rand McNally wants to send me free promotional gear in exchange for biased reviews, be sure to email me.

I'd like to see Jason Hall make a game like that. Oh no wait, he probably can't, because he's too busy selling crack cocaine to inner city children. It's obvious that NOLF is just the worst pile of crap ever, and every game Monolith makes will be a piece of crap so I'm not going to ever bother playing them. I'll just post my review as soon as the title is announced, and my review will always be:

FESTERING PILE OF DOGSHIT

I just installed SETI@home but I haven't found any aliens yet. How long does it take? 30 minutes? Longer? I need to free up my CPU usage so I can try to play Unreal Tournament: Game of the Year Edition and I'm not sure my Dell 33 SX can run both that AND SETI@home at once.

This site has a new guide up called "The Something Awful Guide to Posting on Forums". The article supposedly contains a large amount of humor, although I wasn't able to find it.

So you've found a forum or newsgroup that seems to be very interesting to you, yet you've got no clue how to "break yourself in" and introduce yourself to the forums regulars that inhabit the place? Don't worry, just like in real life, when you've got to introduce yourself to an alcohol support group or the gang of thugs who are smashing your car to pieces, the first step is often the most difficult. Something Awful, realizing that some people need an online "icebreaker", has decided to list and describe all the popular "personalities" people use to fit in to the online world. We sincerely hope this helps in your quest for online acceptance.

I don't get what's so funny about this article. Something Awful isn't side-splittingly hilarious like Fargo's "Daily Victim", or the hundreds of other columns Fargo writes as fictional characters from highly popular video games. If you're looking for real humor, read that one column where Fargo writes as Tanya from Red Alert. That's about the funniest thing I've read since Jason Hall's last plan update! By the way, Jason Hall is a shithead and I hope he has a heart attack. Here is another link to the stupid "humorous" article on SA.

(0 Comments - Used to be 1, but I had to ban the guy for disagreeing with me)

A couple of the hosted sites on Something Awful have updated as well. Here's a copy / paste from what they sent me:

Wow, That's Amazing! - We have a new survey up on our site, with the subject of "Amazing Fashion Style Survey (Part 1)"
Taco the Wonder Dog - New song entitled "Oh Baby Baby Hit Me One More Time"

Sure. Oh yeah, Jason Hall molests children and I'll prove it one of these days.

(0 Comments)

– Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka (@lowtax)

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