The following is intended for players that would like to make their way through the game with a heroic, good-natured character. If you want to be evil please find another walkthrough on a website with lower standards of morality.
You wake up on a medical table inside an old man's house. He calls himself Doc Mitchell, and he claims to have patched up a gunshot wound to your head.
A nice story, but things don't add up. You're in your underwear. If you were shot in the head, why would the doctor need to remove your pants? Is his stitching that inaccurate?
As a sinking feeling sets in, the old coot beckons you to a carnival game - inside his home, feet away from the spot where he cuts people open and does god-knows-what to their organs. Something isn't right here. For now, just play along and use the machine to set your attributes. The sooner you're back to full strength and out of this house, the better.
Here you can adjust your S.P.E.C.I.A.L. attributes - Strength, Perception, Endurance, Charisma, Intelligence, Agility, and Luck. As an intrinsically good person, Intelligence is a waste. After all, you don't need to think before deciding what's right or wrong. Charisma is also useless. If people can't accept you for who you are, they'll never really be your friends. Drop those traits to 1 and invest the leftover points into Strength and Luck.
Mitchell will continue to blur the line between medical professional and complete hack as he takes you to a couch, shows you ink blots, and asks about your mother. Continue to play along with his perverted games, selecting the traits that appeal to you most and making sure to tag the Unarmed skill.
At the front door, Doc Mitchell ignores your polite attempts to make an exit, forcing an expensive-looking Pip-Boy 3000 into your hands and reminding you that he fixed you up at no cost. The old son of a bitch lays the guilt on thick, undoubtedly setting the framework for some unspeakable debauchery that you'll reluctantly have to take part in.
You continue to back up towards the door, making small talk as you go, until Mitchell says something that stops you in your tracks; he didn't get a Ph.D, much less attend a proper medical school. He's just a lonely old man with a rusty metal table and an alarmingly large stock of painkillers who picked up what little knowledge he has from waterlogged issues of Today's Physician.
Equip the boxing gloves and beat Doc Mitchell to death in the foyer. If you're lucky, you'll get a critical hit and punch his head clean off.
You've just survived your very own pawn shop moment from Pulp Fiction, and made sure it would never happen to anyone else. Before leaving, check the dresser in Mitchell's bedroom. There you find a sexy nightgown, confirming your earlier suspicions. Put the nightgown on angrily.
In the town bar, you come across a young woman with the unlikely name of Sunny Smiles, who offers to teach you how to shoot. All you have to do, she says, is follow her out back. Where there are no witnesses.
Outside, she hands you a shitty rifle and instructs you to take aim at a row of bottles on a nearby fence. It just so happens that turning toward these bottles would present Sunny with a clear shot at the back of your unprotected head.
Nice try, Ms. Smiles.
Once you've beaten Sunny and her dog to death, feel free to chat up the other folks in Goodsprings. It turns out that everyone is gearing up for a looming battle with a group of escaped prisoners located just outside of town. You can side with the citizens who tolerated the presence of monsters like Doc Mitchell and Sunny Smiles, help the convicts to make a relatively bloodless transition of power, betray both sides, or come across more solutions. You have a lot of options before you.
Run into the desert and punch some geckos in slow motion for a while, sobbing in real life.
When you've regained your composure, press the Wait button ("T" on PC, "Back" on Xbox 360, "Select on PS3, "Overdrive" on Phantom). This will allow you to stand still while time passes in 24 hour increments.
Considering the state of Fallout's environment, medicine, and food, it's safe to say that the average lifespan shouldn't be much higher than around 80 years. Just to be safe, use Wait 36,500 times to advance a hundred years. Everyone in Goodsprings should now be long dead, leaving you to beat mutated animals to death in peace.
Once you reach level 4, take the Cannibal perk. Return to Goodsprings and feast, ridding the earth of every last morsel of the town's sinful flesh.
We're spelunking through the movie catacombs this week. Join us, won't you?
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.