Trespassing; Vandalism of Federal Property; Unlawful Flight; Escape from a Federal Penitentiary
On October 12th, 1993, Donald Fawnsbody made a daring, meticulously planned escape from the Ronald Buhne Maximum Security Federal Prison in Bulls Gap, TN. In the course of his escape, two guards were incapacitated without injury and several walls and fences were tunneled through, causing over $4,200 in damage to federal property. Mr. Fawnsbody, a former lawn repairman, was not an inmate or employee of the penitentiary, and prior to his prison break had no criminal record. He has since gone into hiding, or so we assume (truthfully, we haven't really looked for him).
For information leading to the arrest of Donald Fawnsbody, the FBI offers a photograph of J. Edgar Hoover, suitable for framing.
Criminal Threats; Harassment or Stalking of a Dog; Placing Menacing Telephone Calls
Pooth is wanted in connection with a series of incidents taking place across the Pacific Northwest between the years of 1999 and 2005; during this period, Pooth habitually visited the homes of local elected officials in dozens of towns and cities and attempted to rile up their dogs through their fences. His incitements to misbehavior caused one dog, a Golden Retriever owned by Mayor Blake Willis of Redding, CA, to tear the stuffing out of a patio chair. Pooth would also telephone the dogs of public employees and attempt to stimulate their baser urges and instigate unruly behavior by, for example, suggesting that they get up on the couch. It is unknown whether these conversations resulted in property damage. The FBI is now unaware of and largely unconcerned with his whereabouts.
For information leading to the arrest of David Pooth, the FBI will pretend to offer you a reward of $100,000, so that you can turn it down and look like a big hero.
Poaching; Wildlife Smuggling Across State Lines; Aggravated Shrimp Displacement
Since 1988, Ruben Medeiros has illegally caught an estimated nineteen tons of shrimp in the Gulf of Mexico and transported them in the back of his pickup truck to his home in Grubbs, AR, where he has singlehandedly fried and eaten all of them. His actions, somehow, seem too singularly obscene to be disrupted, but our duty compels us. Local law enforcement has been unable to apprehend Medeiros due to the crippling low-tide odor and dangerous levels of iodine gas surrounding his residence. Medeiros should be considered hostile, eccentric and obese.
For information leading to the arrest of Ruben Medeiros, the FBI is offering a coupon for a free roast beef sandwich with the purchase of any two roast beef sandwiches at participating Arby's locations (exp. 6/14/2002).
I was betrayed by the bernio bros, the cougars, and this guy from back page I hired to keep me from jumping out a window at the DNC.
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.