IMPORTANT!

In case you missed it yesterday, here's another link to the video featuring grown women dancing with stuffed cat dolls. You owe it to yourself to watch this.

Fragmaster: Ass in the Hole

As you've undoubtedly noticed, Fragmaster (of Planethalflife infamy) has started doing the weekend updates. I decided to make this radical change in SA's style and content after I looked at the current schedule and discovered something was "lacking" for the weekend news posts. Well, to be more exact, everything was lacking for the weekend updates. I haven't written a Saturday news post since the Korean War which (strangely enough) was nearly as catastrophic as that weekend's news article.

In order to determine how to remedy this situation, I conducted an informal poll with a couple of the skateboarding kids in my apartment's parking lot. They seemed pretty "hip" and "in the know", as one of them had his hat turned backwards and another one was wearing a WCW Nitro shirt. Plus they had those little idiotic metal scooters which seem to be really popular in stores these days, and anything that intensely stupid simply must be "cool." To insure the children weren't biased, I asked a little warm up question.

ME: "Do you read Something Awful?"
KID #1: "What?"
KID #2: "The magazine?"

Looking good there, Frags!Both of these answers struck me off guard. Here I am, the webmaster of a wonderful site read by millions of people hundreds of thousands of people thousands of people hundreds of people me and my mom, and the little bastard had the GALL to play ignorant with me? As for KID #2's answer, I don't know what the hell to make of that. I do have a journalistic style similar to that featured in Time Magazine (only I use the word "ass" a lot more), so maybe that's what he was referring to. Next question:

ME: "What would you like to see featured on Something Awful during the weekends?"
KID #1: "Huh?"
KID #2: "Like what?"

As you can see, my target data group wasn't exactly the shiniest apple on the tree. KID #1, whose name was something like "Bobby" or "Smelly" or something, clearly displays a distinct difficulty hearing. It's probably all that rock and roll or rap music kids these days listen to. I blame Lil Bow Wow for teaching kids that it's okay to rape your schoolteachers at the age of 11. Not that the schoolteachers are 11 years old; the kids are. I don't even know what the hell an eleven-year old could teach. Maybe spitting. KID #2 had a much better reaction, showing a slight bit of interest in the questions I was posing. I decided to clarify my question:

ME: "What kind of content would you like to see on Something Awful on the weekends?"
KID #1: (at this point he began walking away towards the dumpster that has an abandoned couch from the 1850's laying in it)
KID #2: "What's there now?"

Now we were getting somewhere. KID #1, who was probably an arsonist or budding sociopath, began to leave and make my work easier. KID #2 was getting into my questions and seemed very eager to answer them and participate in the survey. I could tell this by the way he turned around and shouted the answer at me while peddling his lame scooter away.

ME: "There's nothing there now."
KID #1: (gone. I assume he went back to his crackhouse)
KID #2: "Put something there!"

Since my goal in life is to make you, the consumer, a raging bundle of unquenchable happiness, I took the advice of this hardcore fan and decided to employ the wonderful talents of Fragmaster, who is neither wonderful nor talented. Technically, Fragmaster is "something", so I am kind of appeasing my polled audience in that respect. I have also heard people describe Frags as "simply awful", so put the two together and Fragmaster is... wait for it... SOMETHING AWFUL. If you ever want to contact Frags, his email account is [email protected]. Coincidentally, the email address I sent up to answer all inquiries regarding homosexual pornography is [email protected]. Feel free to contact either. Heck, I heard he even replies to his email, which is a trait I need to learn as well.

Cliff Yablonski... Well, I'm Afraid He Just Doesn't Really Care For You

Another Monday, another email from America's favorite bitter old war veteran (I think Cliff's been in every war for the last 500 years). What does Cliff have to say today?

From: cliff y.
Subject: shut up computer

hey jackoff, Ive updated my page with 5 new pages of people in Appleton city that I hate. todays pages are particularly horrid, not that the other pages are a walk through the goddamn rosebushes. youd better tell all the computer geeks that read your site to read mine or Ill break a lamp in their ugly faces. that goes for you too, shitbreath.

cliff

Wow, what a guy! Without further ado, may I present five new pages of people Cliff Yablonski really doesn't like!

Hakan on Final Fantasy 9

Since SA hasn't gotten any irate emails from furious RPG nutballs (and God knows there are a lot of furious RPG nutballs out there), I have decided to post Hakan's review of Final Fantasy 9. Hooray for Square!

Another aspect that returns in FF9 is the horrendously large amounts of encounter rates. Remember the “good ol’ days” with the first and second FF? You had a battle like every three steps. Perhaps the increased amount of encounters was accidental, as I imagine the conversation at the Square offices went a little like this:
Square Producer: "Sir, we’re past the deadline and the Ice Cavern is only 4 screens long! All the graphic artists are passed out from jacking off to scat porn all day. What can we do to make the dungeon longer?"
Hironobu Sakaguchi: (suddenly looking up and intense) "INCREASE AMOUNT OF RANDOM ENCOUNTERS!!!"
Square Producer: "Ok, we can’t figure out where to put the chest with the ether in it, can you help us out?"
Hironobu Sakaguchi: (turning around fiercely) "INCREASE AMOUNT OF RANDOM ENCOUNTERS!!!"

Oh the humanity. The humanity. Read it and weep.

This Week's Dose of Joe Don Baker, Hot and Steamy!

I promised there would be more and hell, here's some more hot and spicy Joe Don Baker action for you fellahs! Five super videos showing off the man, the machine, the legend that is Joe Don Baker. These are clips showcasing some of Baker's finer work from the film "Framed", which was another one of those wonderful 1970's action films which made no sense and had the appeal of a rusted fork in the throat. Download a couple Joe Don Baker movies (in Windows Media Format) and bathe your monitor in the light of Bakerness.

– Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka (@lowtax)

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