Special Guest Host - Kevin “Fragmaster” Bowen!
Since Lowtax is off trying to score with something (Pikachu?), he asked me to handle today’s update. Gee, you guys are in for a treat… not many people have an even more retarded nickname than “Lowtax.” By the way, if you’re wondering where Lowtax got his nickname, he ripped it off this psycho congressional candidate who murdered his opponent way back in 1998. Pretty appropriate if you ask me… you ever listen to his music? Sounds like great stuff to grind up human souls by, if you catch my drift. He’s quite the gothic fellow!
But enough about Lowtax. The dirty scoundrel! There’s important news to provide insightful commentary on!
2000 Flushes... OF DEATH!
Judge finds death in toilet was probably homicide, not suicide - Yeah, the highbrow standup comedians are going to have a field day with this one:
Sure, I enjoy going to the occasional suspense-packed toilet murder mystery movie. Who doesn’t? But when this kind of stuff goes down in real life it makes me… well… totally apathetic. To be honest, I couldn’t care less if some butter-coated broad from Land O' Lakes sucked down her final gulps of air while worshipping the porcelain god. Get a plunger, unclog her sorry ass, burn her, throw her ashes in a box, and move on. Sympathy is for losers.
XFL Fever... It's Spreading!
Like most strapping young 20-somethings, both Lowtax and I are psyched about the upcoming XFL season, which kicks off February 3rd. Unfortunately, the league is already running into problems. For one thing, a XFL Blimp crashed into an Oakland restaurant. Somehow they lost control of the blimp, which is understandable considering those things move at what… three miles an hour? A spokesman for the blimp company offered up the following excuse:
You know what else moves with great mass and is difficult to control? Joe Don Baker. And all these fat-ass, larded up, over-the-hill rejects who haven’t played football since their college days in 1992, pathetically trying to make their triumphant “comebacks” in the XFL. Even the most of the cheerleaders are NFL castoffs with flabby arms and bad perms. No, stop! God has crashed your blimp. He’s trying to tell you this is a bad idea and that Vince McManwitch should concentrate on his primary business, which last I checked consisted of dressing up men in funny costumes, giving them catchy theme music, throwing him into a square with another a guy, and then watching them hug for ten minutes until someone is arbitrarily declared the winner. Despite all this, myself and thousands of other flag-burning Americans are breathlessly awaiting the season opener. Vegas con men are even taking bets on who’ll win the championship! Here are the odds, plus my personal opinions on the chances of each team:
All this coupled with the elimination of the “fair catch” rule leads me to believe that the XFL will be the most X-treme, X-hilarating, and umm… X-wife-beating league ever! FEEL THE POWER!
VCR Surfing... The Cat's Meow!
I don't know about you, but I for one am a little disturbed by the latest kiddie fad to invade our schoolyards and possibly poison our drinking water. No, I’m not talking about scooters or those crazy “trading cards,” I’m talking about VCR surfing. Now that DVD has hit the mainstream, people are tossing out their old outdated VCR’s. Kids across the nation are getting their mitts on them and converting them into giant surfboard-like devices. They think it’s all “rad” to “hang-ten” on the streets with old VHS players strapped to their feet or buttocks.
I didn’t believe this fad when I first heard about it, but apparently there’s a show on Nickelodeon or something where the main character VCR surfs to his job at an AK-47 factory. After work, his fast-on-his-ass VCR surfing always helps him elude the gang of pedophiles who try to take advantage of him every day after work. This is nuts. Life is not a Steven Spielberg movie. You will never meet a magic alien that will cause your bicycle to crash land on the moon or discover a buried pirate ship in a secret underground cave. Instead, you will only scrape your knee on a broken piece of wood and make awkward passes at girls who totally despise you. Back when I was a kid, we had those cool snap bracelet things that doubled as a ruler. Those were cool. VCR surfing? That’s some dangerous, stupid, crap. So cut it out, youngins.
Are you concerned that you may be a character trapped in a Tom Waits song? Be smart and learn the warning signs before it's too late. Also, it's too late. It has always been too late.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
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