Terror in the Skies!

Better strap on the tin foil helmets, boys, the UFOs are a' comin'.

UFO closes Russian airport (thanks Andrew) - An unidentified flying object hovering above the runway of an airport in Barnaul, in eastern Siberia, forced the airport's closure for almost two hours, Russian news agencies reported Monday. During the incident, which occurred on Friday night, the crew of an Ilyushin 76 cargo jet refused to take off after spotting the glowing object hovering above the end of the runway. During the incident, which occurred on Friday night, the crew of an Ilyushin 76 cargo jet refused to take off after spotting the glowing object hovering above the end of the runway.

Well we can finally add "Russians" to the list of popular alien targets now. They join a particularly notable group of people so far, including:

Rednecks,
Girlfriends of rednecks,
Mayors of towns that have less than 40 people and a town hall which was built from the remains of a burnt down outhouse,
Hippies,
Cult members,
Drunkards, and
New age spiritual people who see angels in their bath soap and claim their breakfast cereal vibrates with the spiritual energy of Jesus.

It's not a big surprise to note that the popularity of a UFO visiting a particular area is inversely proportional to its cultural advancement. This is because UFO pilots buzz places which will give them the biggest and most entertaining crowd reactions. For example, note the following two scenarios which would be completely true if it wasn't for the fact that they're 100% fictional:

SCENE 1: Deep in the Alabama woods.

REDNECK FATHER: (to son) "Keep a' diggin', boy, we dun gotta string this here cable to da guest loft 'lest grammaw not get to catch her stories this afternoon!"
REDNECK SON: "But paw, we ain't got no guest loft! Grammaw's been settin' a spell in that beanbag we got stored in tha storage room holdin' tha fertilizer and motor oil!"
REDNECK FATHER: "Confound it, boy, how many times I gotta tell you that's DA GUEST LOFT boy? You wanna live with some class or be like the McKinely's next door who are so rude they dont take their cowboy hats off during the national anthem 'fore DA NASCAR race?"
REDNECK SON: "But paw-"
(Family is interrupted by a plane passing by overhead, pulling a sign that reads "GO CRAZY FOR DORITOS BRAND NACHO CHIPS!")
REDNECK FATHER: "Jumpin' ditchdiggers, that be wunna them You-Foes that abducted grammaw and left those fork-shaped scars on the side of her head where she usually stabs herself with the fork durin' supper! Quick boy, fetch me mah gun!"
REDNECK SON: "But paw, you already holdin' yer gun!"
REDNECK FATHER: "Okay then! Jes give ol' paw a few seconds to sober up so I can shoot down that sucker and not accidentally blow your head off." (shoots gun and blows son's head off)
REDNECK FATHER: "Aww shit, looks like ah better git busy with maw and pump us out another youngun', else we ain't never gonna get this cable strung."

SCENE 2: Downtown New York.

CABDRIVER: "Where you goin' to, ya fucknut?"
MAN IN CAB: "Screw you, you motherfucking rat bastard! Take me to 21st Street or I'll shove my goddamn umbrella in your one good eye!"
CABDRIVER: "Whatever you say, asshole!" (turns on cab fare meter, which charges $62.12 per second)
(Cab ride is interrupted by UFO passing overhead)

MAN IN CAB: "Motherfucking UFOs, always screwing up traffic!" (leaning out window) "Hey UFO, I got places to go you rotten SOB! The Earth don't revolve around you and your fancy ass spaceship! Go piss up a rope you bastard! Go back to Alientown!"
CABDRIVER: (Smacking the side of the cab fare meter) "Well will ya look at that! That UFO musta' interfered with the magnetic waves, causing your cab fare to jump to $4,320.89! I'll be!"
MAN IN CAB: "Go back to Pakistan you fruit-picking scumbag!" (somebody gets shot)

I think it's naturally a very exciting development when the UFOs decide to go abroad and start messing with Russia's airports. With the possible exception of the aliens deciding to vaporize half the country, I don't really see any possible negative outcomes of this UFO flyby. Perhaps it will invigorate the Russian airline industry, which currently consists of a refurbished replica of the Wright Brother's plane and a model aircraft that catches fire after being in the air for longer than 17 seconds.

Dot Com Doom

From the "Hey, Anybody Remember That Jerk?" department:

DotComGuy emerges without $100,000 'bonus' - Although DotComGuy ceremoniously emerged from his yearlong seclusion Monday, he won't be receiving the nearly $100,000 he was promised at the onset of his venture. However, the company formed to support him -- DotComGuy, Inc. -- said Tuesday it will continue to remain in operation.

"We didn't fail, and I want to stress that," said CEO and co-founder Len Critcher. "DotComGuy forgave his bonus at the end to keep the doors open."

In case you missed the media fanfare surrounding Mitch Maddox, who legally changed his name to "DotComGuy", he lived in his apartment for a year without ever leaving, opting to purchase everything he needed on the Internet. This was incredibly exciting, as it combined the nonstop action of "sitting in a chair" with "buying shit on the Internet," two things which equate to the quickest recipe for media success ever. Dotcomguy, who was promised a $100,000 bonus for living like a dopey recluse for a year while people on the Internet stared at his various webcams and realized how less pathetic their lives suddenly seemed, decided to forfeit the cash. Why?

The money is being used to keep the business afloat, according to Critcher, in order to pay Internet connection costs, salaries and company bills. He said it did not go toward DotComGuy's purchases during his seclusion. Those were sponsored in a separate bank account by companies like Travelocity and UPS, he added, which paid a flat fee.

Now you may be asking, "Rich 'Lowtax' Kyanka, what is Mr. Dotcomguy doing now with this $100,000 in his business? Please tell me, the suspense is driving me utterly crazy! I can't live another second without knowing!" You want to know? Well here it is, folks, THE DCG.com!

Welcome to theDCG.com. Every day I'm asked by people from all over the world what my new website will be, and I don't know how to answer them. Why should that stop me from opening the new site? So... here it is in its infancy. Instead of spending months developing in private, why not do it out here for everyone to see! I'm open to suggestions on everything from content to color schemes.

I want this to be a group effort, so feel free to e-mail me with ideas of what you would like to see here. This will be an open development process. I'm creating the site using Macromedia's Dreamweaver, so if you have some cool buttons of flash animations send them to me. I'll credit you on the site somehow.

BUT THAT'S NOT ALL FOLKS! THERE'S MORE! Take a gander at Mr. Dotcomguy's "journals", which would put any e/n site to shame:

Of course it's been more than a year since I've been to the post office... but now that I think about it, it's probably been at least two years. I must admit I was impressed with the way it has been updated. It looked clean and new, and more like a Sprint PCS store than a post office. We got in line, only to find out that we were in the wrong line to pick up mail. The door in front of the other line was closed, but the hours posted on it indicated we were in the right place - in line behind two other non-revenue generating customers. The top half of the door opened, a man took a slip of paper from the first in line and then disappeared into the mysterious back room. As we waited, I tried to remember the last time I mailed something. I can't remember the last time I mailed something outside of business. I can pay all my bills online, and if the vendor doesn't accept electronic payment, my bank mails the check. So as I scoff at the people scrounging around the stamp dispenser trying to get their one cent stamps so they can use the last of their 33 cent stamps, I wonder why I would ever need to use the post office. I send important documents via UPS or FedEx when I have to, but usually e-mail is adequate.

If I was Mr. Dotcomguy and somebody wanted to hand me $100,000, you know what? I would've taken it and written journal updates like the following:

Of course it's been more than a year since I've been to the post office... but now that I think about it, it's probably been at least two years. I must admit I was impressed with the way it has been updated. It looked clean and new, and more like a Sprint PCs store than a post office. We got in line, only to find out that we were in the wrong line to pick up mail. Then I remembered, "Hey, I have $100,000 in my bank account", so I said "fuck yall" and left and bought a new Porsche. THE END.

PS: If somebody wants to send me $100,000 for sitting in my apartment and updating this site, you can contact me here (assuming eFront hasn't crashed this server yet).

Back to the Good Ol' Days Which Weren't Very Good

One of my earliest articles was the (in)famous Doom Comic Book Review article, published on Planetquake a long, long time ago. Strangely enough I don't have the link for it handy, nor do I feel the pressing need to go through PQ and look for it. Anyway, I have decided to return back to my noble roots and review another comic book. Get ready for my review of "He-Man and the Masters of the Universe: THE ROCK WARRIORS"!

Features infamous He-Man reject hero Buzz-Off generally being an idiot and doing remarkably ineffective things! Also showcases He-Man punching rock monsters in the groin! What more could you ask for? Read the review!

– Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka (@lowtax)

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