My (New and Improved) Calling

Okay, now I know that I said I discovered my new calling a couple days ago (I was going to write and produce action film scripts, then sell them on eBay for millions of dollars), and I know that I've discovered my new calling about seven times the past six days, but I really, really mean it this time. Really, I do. Seriously. No fooling. I recently realized there's a giant void out there that needs to be filled and I'm the only one that can fill it. No, I'm not talking about satisfying the Goatse.cx guy, I'm talking about being a Video Game Designer Consultant.

If you're like me, and I know I am, you've undoubtedly noticed that the gaming industry seems to be "lacking" something lately. It's one of those feelings you just can't quite put your finger on. Something intangible that you know is wrong but can't really define it. Like when a coworker arrives in the morning with breast milk sprayed all over his pants and a set of long, bloody scratch marks across his face. You know that SOMETHING is not right, but you're not really sure what.

As a Video Game Designer Consultant, my job would be to sweep into gaming companies and offer advice such as major structural overhauls which would undermine and possibly destroy the entire intent of the game. Only except destroying it in a bad way, I would destroy it in a GOOD way (the direct polar opposite of "bad"). Think Daikatana only minus the entire game and that's what I'm talking about. The idea of a time-travelling pimp and convenience store clerk fighting mutant spider robots in 1075% green lighting is genius, but somewhere along the way it became flawed. I will single-handedly prevent games from spiraling out of control and flying into the bastion of Hell.

Now some of you may be thinking to yourselves, "but Rich 'Lowtax' Kyanka, how did the need for this odd position ever arise?" I'm very glad you asked this question! In case you've never noticed, video game production companies quickly turn into some kind of bizarre, quirky microcosm a few months into production. The entire design team slides a little bit farther and farther away from reality with each passing workday, and soon their in-house insanity feeds off itself and becomes amplified. Let me give you an example of how conversations progress during two different time periods of design:

DAY ONE:

Lead Designer: "Okay, this game will be a realistic FPS that challenges the player to rescue the President from a bunch of terrorists. Now why would the President be kidnapped? What would their motives be?"
Artist: "Blackmail maybe?"
Lead Designer: "No, too boring. We need something flashier."
Second Designer: "Ransom for nuclear secrets? Like they're developing a nuclear warhead and need the final component or something?"
Lead Designer: "That sounds good... let's go with that..."

As you can see, the conversation sounds remotely rational and not out of the realm of possibility. This is because the people working in the game company haven't had enough time to slip into their little microcosmic gaming world and lose touch with all traces of logical thinking. Let's jump to six months later and see how this changes...

DAY 126:

Lead Designer: "Okay, we need a way for the player to enter the enemy base."
Artist: "Well we've established that the terrorists are making nuclear missiles, so how about we make a big fucking swamp of nuclear waste that the player has to swim through?"
Lead Designer: "I like it, I like it! People love toxic waste dumps in games! Plus we'll get to use that green colored lighting that all the kids are raving about! Colored lighting gives any game instant atmosphere and makes killer screenshots we can send to Gamespot!"
Modeller: "And we'll make mutants attack the player, like people who tried to swim through the radioactive shit and MUTATED! Horrible mutations, like a dragonfly man and a kangaroo with two human heads instead of testicles!"
Lead Designer: "Yeah! That will add variety to the game! The kids like variety!"
Second Designer: "Well if they like variety, let's put a level in space! The terrorists are storing all the Kangaroo testicle monsters in their space station because they're planning on colonizing Jupiter with them and building a radar dish which will emit gamma radiation and harvest crystals from the orbiting moons!"
Lead Designer: "Great! And it turns out that the ENTIRE PLANET OF JUPITER is ALIVE! And Jupiter has Martians on it which will attack the mutant Kangaroos!"
Mapmaker: "Wait, why are there Martians on Jupiter?"
(pause)
Lead Designer: "You're fired."

As clearly shown in this conversation, the insanity just feeds escalates later into the game design process. That's where I would come in. See, I haven't been exposed to months and months of working on a single game. My mind is pure like the fresh-fallen Colorado snow after it's been exported to a ski resort in California. I have not been corrupted by the video game design insanity and will keep all their horrible ideas from ever manifesting themselves in games. Observe:

Game Designer: "You get a gun that shoots green-"
ME: "NO."
Game Designer: "...to reach the enemy base you must jump across a series of-"
ME: "NO."
Game Designer: "...and the gravity and lights goes out so-"
ME: "NO."
Game Designer: "...so you're paired up with a teammate who-"
ME: "NO."
Game Designer: "...forcing you to crawl through air ducts and-"
ME: "NO."
Game Designer: "...dropping the red key-"
ME: "NO."
Game Designer: "...avoiding pits of lava which-"
ME: "NO."

For added emphasis, I will also slap their wrists with a ruler and force them to sit in the corner if they mention "jumping puzzles" even once. It's a sad day when I'm the one having to bring back people to reality, but jeez, have you seen these games lately? I rest my case.

JOE DON BAKER?!? YES!!!

Joe Don Baker, best known from his MST3K'ed film "Mitchell" is back and better than ever* in "Framed" which has been reviewed for your pleasure! Includes ton of action-packed** pictures and the best review of a Joe Don Baker film that you'll ever read! Here's a little taste for you!

JOE DON BAKER - MAN OF A MILLION (awful) FACES!

Need I say more? Read the review!

* He's worse
** There's no action even remotely near

MORE JOE DON BAKER?!? HELL YES!!!

Can't get enough of Joe Don's love, baby? Head on over and visit the Random Joe Don Baker Image Generator, which spawns a new horrid image of Joe Don Baker in action! Guaranteed to keep you repulsed for minutes if not hours! Don't delay -- act today!

EVEN MORE JOE DON BAKER?!? Well, no.

I've got some videos from the movie, but I can't seem to convert them to DivX properly. As a result, no movies until I become smart enough to download a video encoder that can convert mpg layer 2 movies to something a lot more compressed. Any suggestions?

– Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka (@lowtax)

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