This article is part of the The Great American Reach Around series.

The Great American Reach Around returns with week three of our coverage of the Northeast United States and week five of our adventure across the United States.


This time we will be concluding our tour of the Northeast with stops throughout New England. We won't be stopping in Maine, because when people are asked to remember Maine they are being asked to remember a ship that exploded in Cuba. Nobody remembers the state of Maine except for the Canadians complaining about all of the criminals sneaking across the border and patronizing their strip clubs.

Speaking of Canada, our foreign representatives this week hail from our frozen neighbors to the north. In an odd coincidence based largely on my total lack of Canadian geography, both of our Canadian representatives are from the complete opposite side of Canda to New England. My cute little geographic gamesmanship has been ruined, but that shouldn't put a damper on your enjoyment!

Thanks to Mr_Smashy from Edmonton and Shawn Vulliez from Vancouver for their contributions!

We begin, as usual, in sweet home America, with the undisputed king city of New England; Boston.

Boston, Massachusetts


An article about Boston is essentially an article about the eastern half of Massachusetts, as the city's gargantuan metropolitan area extends beyond the borders of the state itself in almost every direction. It would not surprise me if there are millions of annoying Red Sox fans living in an underwater suburb in Boston Harbor beating the crap out of gay fish people.

Boston is the capital of Massachusetts, the state's largest city, and the 11th largest city in the United States. Citizens of Boston, such as they are, speak an easily-recognizable dialect known as Boston English. This basically means that they call sub sandwiches "grinders" and generally sound retarded whenever they say a word with the letter "a" in it somewhere. That's just fine by Bostonians, because like a good southern drawl it lulls the person they are talking to into a false sense of intellectual superiority. That's when they beat the crap out of the homos.

Bostonians are rampant fans of the Boston Red Sox baseball franchise. This was fine as long as the Red Sox were hapless underdogs playing under a curse placed upon them by famous voodoo practitioner Babe Ruth. As soon as the Red Sox won a World Series everyone went back to hating the Red Sox and their insufferable fans.

Fans of book learnin' and culture will find something to love in Boston as it has roughly one college or university for every ten inhabitants. Both Harvard and Brown are located within the metropolitan area and the Skull and Bones is strongly considering opening a franchise within the city. There are also a lot of historic buildings and museums in Boston, so go stare at a painting or something you freakin' retard.

Fans of murderin' should look elsewhere. In the 1980s Boston's crime rate soared to include about 150 murders annually, but crime rates plummeted throughout the 1990s and into the present day. These days only about 30 people are brutally murdered every year, making Boston one of the least murdery major urban areas in the United States.

Boston has enjoyed increasing economic success and prestige in recent years. So much success, in fact, that the city began one of the largest public works projects in the history of the world.

Boston's "Big Dig" was initially budgeted at 2.8 billion dollars and sought to reroute Interstate 93 through downtown Boston using various tunnels and bridges. The Big Dig became a disruptive public spectacle for over 12 years and the name has become synonymous with waste and incompetence.

When the project was completed, pretty much, in 2006, it had ballooned to almost six times its original budget, with lawsuits and even a few deaths thrown into the mix for good measure. Bostonians can enjoy all of the money, toil and inconvenience by saving almost a full half minute on their daily commutes. 


Alright, time to leave the Hub and check out the rest of this retarded region.

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