Exercise your right to exercise!
Ha! The inset picture is looking up that fattie's skirt! Or mumu, or whatever.As much as politically correct children's programming would have you believe otherwise, outward appearances are possibly the most important thing to consider when judging something. Much can be learned by looking at an object or person and making wild, outrageous generalizations based on the first thing you notice. Historically, man had operated this way for thousands of years, until some brainiacs decided that the practice of blindly degrading things based on look was morally wrong. This system stems from man's most basic instincts however, and was used by the filthy injuns for survival when they still roamed the land free range. If you were out in the woods and you encountered a local creature such as a ravenous bear or a hungry, hungry hippo, the first response you'd have would be fear. Fear of being eaten. Looking at the large body and massive, gaping maw would send chills down your spine. It doesn't matter if the bear rides a unicycle for the amusement of orphans in its spare time because, based on its horrifying exterior, it's best to assume that Gentle Ben is probably going to want to eat you. The same is true of fat people. Oh sure, they might be "nice people" on the "inside", but are you going to care about that when a fat person breaks down your door in a fit of hunger-fueled rage to eat your chocolate...or your children? Avoiding that horrifying situation entirely is best, and the only way to do that is to stay away from fatties.
Blatant stereotypes like this are just why it is so very important to exercise regularly! No one wants to associate themselves with someone who looks like they have pancake syrup flowing through their veins. And since the calendar seems to insinuate that it's June, that means Summer is here. And summer is no place for fatties! But many people don't have the faintest idea on how to start an exercise program and lose those extra flabby, disgusting rolls of fat. But never fear, because the fitness experts at Something Awful have put down their bags of pork rinds and bottomless mugs of cola to provide you this simple guide to getting fit!
Step 1: Stop eating, pudgy!The reason you're so fat is probably because you eat a massive supply of food. Food which could be going to better use in areas like Somalia, where it would provide me with endless entertainment when I tie it to a string and pull it away when a starving citizen attempted to dive for the delicious morsel. Whine about glandular problems all you want, but that fistful of cheesecake you just crammed down your throat isn't helping your increasingly Rosie O'Donnel like figure. Washing it down with extra heavy cream probably didn't help either, but I'm no expert! The best thing for you to do is to cut off food entirely, especially you ladies. Girls, if you think you need to lose weight, you do! Don't fool yourself into thinking eating salad is healthy. You'll never look like ideal woman Calista Flockhart or famous 80s sitcom star Tracy Gold with all that fattening lettuce sitting in your portly gut!Lovely.Step 2: Join a gym, you slob!
Now that you've gotten on a proper diet of absolutely nothing, it's time to go work that flab off at the gym! These have nothing to do with Slim Jims, a subject I'm sure you fatsos are familiar with. Instead, a gym is a place where you can go to work out. While your choices may seem overwhelming at first, selecting a gym isn't very hard. The first thing you should look for is a place with doors wide enough to fit you. Once you locate one, check out the equipment and environment. Many popular features at gyms are pools, saunas, and aerobics classes. Still, always be wary. If the sauna you just walked into smells like cake, chances are that you accidently stumbled into the local bakery again, chubby! Resist the urge to tear the place apart with your jabber jaw and return to a gym. It's best just to pick a place that you feel comfortable in. While it won't be easy finding a gym adorned with Pop N' Fresh posters, I'm sure you'll eventually find one to call home. The gym will cost you about $300 per year, which helps you lose weight in and of itself by slashing resources which would otherwise go to your ample candy bar fund.
Step 3: Pick a program, and stick with it like frosting to your sausage-like fingers.After you choose your gym, you have to actually start using it. A wild concept for most of you, I'm sure, but hear me out. You should go at least three times a week, and make a plan for yourself of exercises on each day. Learn what the different activities do for you, and start sweating. At first, you'll most likely start to feel the burn right away, like when you walk from your car to the gym. But as you work at it, things will get easier for your pathetic body. Though you may feel more comfortable at the juice bar, or the Taco Bell across the street, or collapsed on the floor, you should stick with the commitment you made. Stay dedicated to it, unlike you did to your failed marriage.
Step 4: Keep your cool in the face of adversity.Ok, so it's been a few weeks and you're not seeing any results. People are still calling you nasty names like Lard Lad or Beefytits, and your girlfriend isn't calling you because she's imaginary. But it's alright, because you're sticking to your guns and you're gonna make it happen. At this point, it's best to double or even quadruple your efforts at the gym, going anywhere from six to twelve days per week. Although you can't reduce your food intake, since technically you shouldn't be eating at this point, you can do the opposite of eating by vomiting at any chance you get. Bonus points because you actually get to taste something for the first time in weeks! Results should be coming any day now, I swear!Flame away, tubby!Step 5: Give up.I lied. It was your fucking genes, fatty. By the time you start to see any results, it'll be winter already and you'll be able to hide yourself under loose clothes and heavy blankets again. So just fucking stop trying already. You make me sick.
I hope that advice was helpful to all you plus sized powerhouses out there! As a naturally thin guy who maintains a steady weight despite eating fast food every day of my life and not exercising, I can honestly say I do not feel your pain. But I'm sure if you do something along the line of what I just wrote, you'll notice the improvement in no time flat! Or you'll die, either or. I'm sure there are loads of fat people out there firing up their hotmail accounts ready to flame me like they flambe a delicious dessert treat. But don't waste the energy people, because I don't care! That energy would be better spent attempting unsuccessfully to stand up.
Hows about you, me, and five uncomfortable minutes in my basement apartment next to the dusty Christmas tree that's still up from my last visit with my estranged children.
The Upper Kitchen Cabinet Where Your Roommate Keeps His Food: You’ll 'need the footstool' to reach your roommate’s 'fine selection' of 'stale cereal,' but he'll never notice if 'only a little is missing from each box.' Feel less guilty by reminding yourself that Jeff 'acts weird around your girlfriend,' and always 'asks about her.' What a 'creep.'
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