I wanted to get this out to everyone on the newsletter's mailing list as quick as can be.

Ada and I are deeply, deeply sorry if our golem caused you any trouble. These latchkey youths have been giving us all the tsuris and...I don't even want to say, but we were mad, trust us. I've heard similar from so many of you. My parakeets were getting all wound up by the loud songs. These frowning kids standing around all hours with nothing to do. Curse words in the AM. Not making eye-contact when speaking to you. Where do they come from? Who is raising these kids? I wish we knew. Maybe then it could have been avoided.



We tried to call the non-emergency AND the emergency police number, but every time when they set out a patrolman the kids were gone. If the police were doing their job then I never would have embarked on my quest to research ancient rabbinic magic.

We realize now that constructing a looming man-shape out of mud and giving him life was probably not the best idea. If I could take back that ritual of life-giving I would in a heartbeat, but what's done is done. All I can do now is ask - no, beg - for your forgiveness.

Helen, I am so very sorry that our golem smashed Art's Buick into pieces, tore off Art's arms and legs and threw his limbless torso and head onto your roof. I know how proud you are of that roof. I've already got a call in to the people who do my yard to bring out their ladder and clear Art off the roof. I just wish those kids had not rode their dirt bicycles through my yard at night and this might never have happened. Art would be a full man and not a rolly-body hung up on the gutters and crying for help. At least he wasn't pounded into shmuts like the Browns. Find the small joys, Helen.

Mrs. Calhoun. Oi. Where to start. I will buy you a new Pomeranian. Who knew you could just pull a dog inside out like that? I will come over with the spade and turn over all the footprint divots in that beautiful grass of yours. Kentucky Bluegrass like that is beautiful. I will also help you with adopting a new boy. I know you're probably outside of baby age and you're going to want to replace Walter Jr. These kids! Another senseless victim of bad parenting.

Ari, I know you and Sarah have had your differences lately, but I'm sure you never wanted a 10-foot living wall of hatred to smash through your dining room and punch off her skull. For that, and for the damage to your house, and for the resulting harm done to your grandchildren who may have seen our golem breaking a schoolbus in half and emptying children into its mouth like grapes to power its internal furnace of violence, I can never apologize. I can say I'm sorry, but no amends can ever be adequate. I can only offer them and hope that by the example set by this senseless rampage our streets might go with a reduction in youth loitering and suspicious posing.

Dr. Hartbaum, a thousand apologies is not enough. I read in the paper how our golem tore out Melissa and Eli's spinal columns and helicoptered them like maces through your house destroying your entire saltwater aquarium display that has brought so much joy to our visits and has provided a wonderful setting for our neighborhood watch meetings.

If only our vote had passed last spring to install those speakers to play whistle sounds only audible to teenage miscreants perhaps this golem incident might never have transpired. I blame myself for not bringing adequate evidence to the meeting of inappropriate assembly.

Most of all I have to apologize to the National Guard. I don't know if any of them read this newsletter. Maybe not. If you know of any National Guards please convey my apologies. What a mitzvah they were. I know our golem threw two tanks in a lake and badly damaged several trucks. Did it kill the men in the helicopter? If only you had been mobilized sooner maybe this golem incident could have...well...my therapist has warned me that "could haves" are a fast track to future mistakes.

To everyone: SORRY. A thousand times.

And you better believe I will think twice before unlocking the forbidden secrets of Hebrew magic and constructing another towering engine of righteous wrath to perpetrate injury on youths without first exhausting every alternative option and also verifying the youths will actually be in the vicinity when G-D's fury is manifested.

There is a lesson to be learned here. As Barack would say it is a teachable moment.

"Parents raise your children right."

Bart & Ada Cohen

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.