If you need home repairs done but you don't have enough money to hire a licensed contractor who actually knows what they're doing, call me!
For just $100 I'll spend an entire day at your house if you tell me where your house is. Otherwise I'll probably have to spend most of the day driving around and desperately yelling for you, slowly closing in on the location of your faint responses. If you live more than two states away, this can prove to be almost impossible.
From sunup to sundown I will set to whatever task needs to be done, within my skillset. I am capable of all of the following and absolutely nothing else:
Pushing against a wall with all my strength until I get tired, then nodding in approval at the wall's sturdiness.
Combining two pieces of duct tape to put an X on pretty much any object. Liquids and gasses are not possible. I have tried. Anything smaller than an apple is tricky because the tape is pretty wide. For example, I could tape an X on a large apple but not a small apple.
Rolling up my sleeves and wiping my forehead with a red kerchief.
Standing with a loose section of pipe in one hand and a wrench in the other, banging the two together.
Climbing up a ladder then climbing back down with a little help. My legs get a little shakey when I can't see where I'm stepping.
Flipping a construction hat up into the air and getting it to land directly on my head within two or three hundred attempts.
Laying down one of three beatboxing beats: Slow Jam, Fresh N' Funky, or West Coast Gangsta. I can sustain these beats for over three hours, which should give you plenty of time to workshop your raps.
Closing my eyes then spinning in place.
Emerging from your closet in different clothes, posing like a model and looking to you for approval. You respond with funny facial expressions and head shakes until I find the perfect outfit - a Slim Goodbody muscle suit.
Staring at a blueprint until I see the hidden 3D image.
Tapping you on the shoulder and getting you to turn - only to realize that I'm standing behind the other shoulder.
Rewiring your house to unscramble sexual electricity for free.
Displaying my extensive collection of Magic: The Gathering cards. You are free to inspect them for as long as you like, but do NOT remove them from their protective sleeves.
Replacing your ratty old carpeting with a brand new surface of lacquer indiscriminately poured over old carpeting.
Making up chilling stories about dolphin attacks. Right there, on the spot, off the top of my head. It's amazing. Please don't ask me to make up any other kind of story (mystery, comedy, young Jewish road trip) or for the monster to be anything other than a dolphin. I can't do it. These are the only limitations of my considerable genius.
Digging holes inside the house. I don't care if there's carpet, tile, or wood flooring. I will dig a hole right through it and I will keep digging until you tell me to stop. Who knows what we'll find? I do. Adventure and friendship. Possibly moleman bones.
Reciting practically the entire alphabet.
Demonstrating my world-class palate. Here's how this works: You put a wine or a cheese in front of me. Make sure it has no visible label. I will taste that wine or cheese. Then, I guarantee that I will be able to tell you EXACTLY how much I like it.
Providing all the hottest tips to help you beat your NES game cartridges like a pro.
Taking one plank of wood and holding it against another one very tightly. If you suggest that I should use carpenter's glue or nails to hold them together I will get snippy and insist that I know what I'm doing.
Removing chemtrails from the atmosphere by standing in your front yard and spraying a squirt bottle of water and vinegar into the air.
Completing urls. Just type the name of a website into your web browser's address bar, and I will add a ".com" or ".net" to the end.
Is the world ready for Staind By Me, St@nd By e-Me, and Crank 3: Stand By Me?
Finally: an advice column for the rest of us! (Who seek to enslave humanity.)
A Goon outs himself as a wizard and gets a warm reception from the rogues/rangers/paladins gallery!
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.