Hey Alex, Ronnie and I think you've been a great roommate, but we need to talk.
First of all, thank you both for coming in my bedroom. I wish it was under different circumstances. I just want to express to you that the last forty minutes have been a nightmare. Probably the worst time of my life.
Jesus. I was just going to ask if you ate my Pizza Rolls, but forget it. What's wrong?
The roof of my mouth is a giant blister. I feel like I was eleven years old watching Darkwing Duck in my mom's basement eating miniature pizza bites of lava.
So that's a yes?
I'm not going to get into any of that today. I think I'm disappointed with your accusation, of course. That's as much as I feel comfortable with right now.
You're disappointed, but you don't deny it?
Like I said, we'll have a forum to discuss the eating of the Pizza Rolls, and we'll talk about it then.
We're roommates, Alex. Just tell me.
I'm so focused on my responsibilities to you and Ronnie. I got rent to pay, dishes to do. I'm playing Dota2 again. This has been the toughest fight of my life.
What are you even talking about? Do you care at all that they weren't your Pizza Rolls?
You know, I got to tell you, I haven't really thought that far ahead. I hope we have a little bit of a timeout from this and give Ronnie a chance to focus on all the other great pizza related stories.
This isn't about Ronnie, this is about you.
I'm a huge pizza fan.
Look, if you didn't eat the Pizza Rolls, why don't you just say?
There are a lot of things that have been thrown to the wall, and I think when the time is right, I will say everything. I don't think the time is right now.
When you used all of our peanut butter for squirrel feeders, you told Ronnie you this wouldn't happen again. What's he supposed to think now?
Ronnie, please have some patience. Let this Pizza Roll thing play out. In due time, we'll have an opportunity to reset.
Alex, are there any decisions or anything you regret?
Are you talking about specifics?
Today. Pizza Rolls. You eating them.
Look, there's nothing about this that's easy. All of it has been challenging. I'm sure there's been mistakes made. We're here now. I'm a human being. I've had two wisdom teeth removed. I have a sunburn. I'm fighting for my life. This is America.
You know what? Forget it. You're a terrible human and a worse liar.
I'm just excited to go to the kitchen and prove to you and myself that I can still eat lunch at a high level.
Did Louis C.K. jerk off in front of two female comics? And why are these ladies squandering an opportunity to learn from a comedy legend?
Elliot said my breakup must have been due to the sweater curse, an unexplained phenomenon where anyone who gives their significant other a hand-knit sweater gets dumped. The only way to break the curse, Elliot said, was to destroy the sweater.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.