Greetings from Skymall, your premiere in-flight mail order catalog! This month we feature the newest inventions geared towards upper middle class travellers with spare cash and an infantile self-centered craving to surround themselves with material objects, failing to bring happiness or validation to their short, meaningless lives. We appreciate your business, and hope you enjoy browsing our catalog.
Please take your time perusing all of our new list items. The vaginas at Airmall only wish they could match the unabashed audacity of the products we sell at exorbitant prices. You really don’t have a choice. You need these items to make your life more simple. Buy them. Buy them all.
Pocket Mini-Corndog Cooker™
For the professional on the go who loves the classic taste of fragrant meats incased in a delicious cornbread shell, but doesn’t have time to wait for a few minutes while they cook. Just pour 2 cups of oil into the vat, dip the dogs in our patented Corn Dog Groomer™, place the cooker in your pocket, and go about your busy day. This amazing product comes with a solar powered charger. Just attach to your hat or hair and harness the sun’s rays, saving yourself thousands in battery costs. It is recommended that you wear heavy layers of asbestos pants while the cooker is turned on, and refrain from jogging or doing handstands while it is in your pocket. Comes with 24 mini-corndogs..
20 Billion Asians can’t be wrong! Combines relaxation and ancient Chinese secrets in the form of hurtful needles. Hang the acupuncture hammock between any two trees in your backyard or local park, and lay down to reap the benefits of your chi points being impaled with healing power. Suffer from migraine headaches? Knees pop when you stand up? Smelly feet causing marital problems? This cure-all requires no costly medication and is recommended by the Federal Doctors Association paid off by Skymall with frontrow Lakers tickets.
WARNING: Do not rock back and forth or try to stand up when using the acupuncture hammock. Doing so may result in major organ damage and/or internal hemorrhaging. Do not use on windy days.
The Worlds Largest Crossword Puzzle™
Lonely? Given up on life? Have no real reason to continue on with this charade? Spend every waking moment pondering your eventual demise? Certain you'll be forgotten as another meaningless statistic that wastes enormous resources to support? Lingering because you are too cowardly to kill yourself and rid the world of the burden that is your life? If so, then the World’s Largest Crossword Puzzle is for you! 20,000 lines to solve for your pleasure.
Mega-Clean Robot 300X™
With blockbuster hits like the Robot Vacuum, Robot Floor Cleaner, and Robot Mole Remover, people are depending more and more on robotic automation for home care and daily living. Robots are the future of manual labor, making it easier for us to get through our day and replacing those bothersome Mexicans that are in the news these days.
This new model of robot cleaning uses a neural-net processer -- a learning computer -- to identify dust and clutter. It then zaps and slices its way to a clean home with its canopy laser and hundreds of tiny razor sharp blades. It also can be set as a pest removal system, taking care of those mice or cockroach infestations with flawless efficiency. When this feature is activated, it will seek and destroy any life forms that are present within a 100 yard radius. If you wish to turn off the Mega-Clean Robot 300X, you need to sneak up on it and hit the eye once it opens up to shoot the lasers.
Magic Freeze Pet Cooler™
Are your pampered poodles getting overheated in the summer sun? This amazing new product uses the latest cryogenic technology to preserve your precious pups with very slight retardation and red blood cell dieoff. The Pet Cooler can be transported by bike, car, or canoe, and comes with a 3” polyfiber nylon strap and universal snap bracket. Never again will your hounds howl with the rigors of heat stroke. Fits 2.5 small dogs or one full-grown child.
Tired of having to log off the Internet to make a cup of coffee or let the dog out? This new hot item developed by Web Solutions uses wireless internet technology so you can still surf the internet while on the go. Embedded chips in the big toe sends information to the CPU located in the sole. A built-in firewall keeps hackers out! The Ethernet ports are located at the heel and both slippers are cascaded with a crossover cable, with the left foot acting as the Master and the right as the Slave. Don’t attempt to walk while the Magic Internet Slippers are connected or it could result in a fatal fall down a flight or stairs or worse. Runs on OS2.
Ever have the urge to look like a total asshole while on an airplane? Sure, who doesn’t? This luxurious 80% polyester, 20% cotton blend will keep you comfortable and warm during those long flights, as well as making you look like a first-degree chode. Fully zip up the cocoon so your head is covered, and when your reach your gate you will emerge as a beautiful butterfly and be gunned down by TSA agents on the tarmac because they probably saw the Mothman Prophecies and think all Mothmen are dangerous monsters who have psychic abilities to locate chapstick. We here at Skymall hope to change that.
America the Beautiful Limited Edition Lawn Caddy™
The one thing that binds all middle class white people together is lawn care. When not laboring for thankless corporations, free time is spent aerating, fertilizing, and cutting lawns. The thing that makes this country great is that we will go to any lengths and work endlessly to avoid having a spare moment to think. Thinking is counterproductive and may result in asking questions that cannot be answered, causing a mental loop that may be difficult to resolve without a complete reboot. Relaxing and thinking is for communists and subversives.
This star spangled lawn caddy commemorates that very spirit with tempered steel and brilliant lacquer that was made in the heart of American production, Taiwan. It also sends a message to potential burglars that there is a strong possibility that you own a firearm and are waiting with bated breath for the opportunity to legally shoot someone in self defense. Comes in two sizes, Ultra-Patriotic and Flag Lich
Thank you for shopping with us here at Skymall. We realize that air travel can be a boring and tiresome experience, so we hope that this catalog has provided you with a few minutes of distraction from pondering the possibility of a fiery death.
We know you made a mental note of all these products with the firm belief that you will order them once you land, but most people forget all about us afterwards and only focus on getting their luggage and finding a bathroom. Please don’t do this, and use your cell phone to order something right away. The plane won’t crash if you use your phone, it was debunked on Mythbusters.
We don’t want to beg but we will if we have to. Little Timmy needs chemotherapy and rent’s due in a few days. I’m so hungry.
The renegade military-intelligence units deliberately intimidate, physically abuse, and even gang-rape the civilians they kidnap. The extraterrestrials do not. (Although the psychological warfare division of the rengegade military-intelligence units, and their dupes who swallow their progaganda, put out lurid false stories in UFO magazines, books and internet newsgroups about "raping reptilians" and other sci-fi comic book fantasies.)
Republicans announce that all legislation must be voted on at 2am in a secret chamber, with no one but the lobbyists who write the bills seeing a single line of text. Democrats' Response: Stumbling around a field stepping on rakes, handles smashing them directly in their faces every single time.
There is a witch hunt going on right now and I promise you that you will not find any witches in the pleasure room in my congressional office.
For fans of meaningless awards, these awards are extra meaningless.
Buy three Epic Loot Crates for only $7.99, get a free fourth loot crate for only $2.99!
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.