This is me on the Internet (OTI).

Scientists at the prestigious University of Internet recently conducted a study proving email has become the most popular form of communication in America, outranking previous fan favorites "talking on the phone" and "honking a car horn while flipping people off when they attempt to merge into your lane from another lane roughly 58 miles west." Literally everybody uses email these days, from the brainiacs at Harvard busy researching new environmentally-friendly edible cars, to elderly folks trapped inside retirement homes searching for new friends able to read their 600-point, all capital font messages from neighboring area codes. Children are being expelled from the womb with extensive knowledge of Outlook Express, often sending lengthy messages to the mother before she gives birth to them. Of course these emails are almost always some variation of "OH MY GOD, WHERE THE HELL AM I, HELP HELP HELP I'M TRAPPED INSIDE A REALLY DAMP HOT POCKET," but the point still stands: America is increasingly becoming a place where smilies and jpeg attachments replace actual emotions and spitting tobacco into Big Gulp cups.

Unfortunately, the majority of America has absolutely no clue how to send a proper electronic message. Many people try to emulate what they watch their friends do or what they view on television, which explains why so many people seem disappointed when their email client refuses to display a 20-inch image of a rotating mailbox opening up and vomiting out an envelope while a vocoded voice screeches, "NEW MAIL INCOMING FROM CYBERSPACE DOT COM INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY" every time they receive a new message.

Ladies and gentlemen, you do NOT want to pick up email habits from random strangers and close friends with screen names including at least one cast member of Dragonball-Z and a seven digit number. What you want to do, and boy am I ever so sure about this, is read a website (on the Internet) which has over six years of experience being a website (on the Internet), thereby ensuring its credibility in the field of being a website (on the Internet). Today I, Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka, shall provide a handy and helpful guide explaining how to send the perfect email message, thereby proving to the entire world what a whirling dynamo of unbridled Internet savvy you truly are. That's how you really pick up the hot chicks.

STEP ONE: PICK AN APPROPRIATE EMAIL ADDRESS.

Many folks write in to me and ask, "hey Rich 'Lowtax' Kyanka, why are you so gay?" Then they go on to write, "also why are you so ugly and stupid?" Then they usually conclude their email by revealing their eternal burning contempt and unholy allegiance to destroy everything I create in both this life and my countless lives afterwards. But the important point here, the one to really keep in mind, is that throughout their entire message, I'm 100% confident they were secretly meaning to ask me, "dear Rich 'Lowtax' Kyanka, what is the secret to maintaining a serious presence on the Internet?" Many folks will go to their graves, paralyzed with fear at the prospect of being an eternal Internet laughingstock, reviled for their inability to compose respectable email messages. That's how Abraham Lincoln died, you know. That and the assassination thing.

The first step to sending the perfect email revolves around choosing an appropriate email address. Do you think your business clients will take your seriously when you send them an important batch of marketing spreadsheets from the email address "[email protected]"? What will the guys on your high school football team think when they read an email message from "[email protected]"? How can you seriously expect George W. Bush to pay you attention when the death threats you're mass mailing are from "[email protected]"? Before contacting another member of the Internet, one who might react to your message with unadulterated malice and the unstoppable rage of a million burning suns, choose an appropriate email address reflecting the nature of your subject. Here's a handy chart to help you determine a pertinent email address based on the subject of your message:

SUBJECT OF EMAIL
THEME OF APPROPRIATE EMAIL ADDRESS
GOOD EXAMPLE
BAD EXAMPLE
BusinessBusiness[email protected]
[email protected]
[email protected]
[email protected]
ComputersTechnical[email protected][email protected]
Rap MusicRetarded[email protected][email protected]


STEP TWO: CREATE AN AWESOME SUBJECT LINE.

Finally, no more wife and kids because OH MY GOD YOU DROWNED THEM IN THE BATHTUB YOU SICK FREAK!

This is easily the most important part, as the subject line is the first thing an Internet user sees upon clicking on their desktop's 20-inch mailbox vomiting envelopes icon. To create the perfect email, one must painstakingly handcraft an amazingly elegant and interesting subject line, one which not only accurately represents the main topic of your email, but one equipped with a subject line so breathtakingly fascinating that you'll have to beat away the next door neighbors from forcefully storming into your house and demanding to read your email like Internet-starved zombies who stopped being addicted to brains and are instead addicted to messages revolving around Christian home auto loans.

Obviously, the easiest way to accomplish such a goal is by adding hundreds of exclamation points to the end of your subject line. This is a technique Internet scholars such as myself dub "icing the cake." Additionally, I refer to "driving a car" as "slipping the eel" and I when I talk about "paying sales tax" I just say "inviting Tom Sizemore over to my lush, sprawling underwater mansion and forcing him to watch 40 hours of amputee pornography." "Icing the cake" makes any email exponentially more exciting,whether it be a letter to your grandmother detailing your latest bowel movement, or a letter to the President of the United States of America asking him about your grandmother's latest bowel movement. Don't believe me? Well see for yourselves!

OLD / BORING EMAIL SUBJECT LINE: Hey I found out what key makes exclamation marks show up
NEW / EXCITING EMAIL SUBJECT LINE: Hey I found out what key makes exclamation marks show up!!!!

OLD / BORING EMAIL SUBJECT LINE: have you seen my mittens?
NEW / EXCITING EMAIL SUBJECT LINE: have you seen my mittens?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OLD / BORING EMAIL SUBJECT LINE: (no subject)
NEW / EXCITING EMAIL SUBJECT LINE: (no subject)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Another way to ice the cake is by employing a crack commando team of Internet farmers to harvest the absolute most enthralling set of adjectives possible, planting them into your email subject line and growing a beautiful, bountiful tree of... uh... my analogy kind of slipped away from me here, sorry. Adjectives and colorful wording makes any email more exciting, like a high speed roller coaster ride through a pregnant thesaurus juggling kittens crammed full of candy canes and Lik-M-Ade. Try to use powerful words that really stress the ridiculously high level of awesomeness your email achieves.

OLD / BORING EMAIL SUBJECT LINE: Hey mom, what time do you want me to come over for dinner tonight?
NEW / EXCITING EMAIL SUBJECT LINE: Hey HOT MILF mom, what AMAZING time do you want XXX SEXY me to come over for HOT SINGLES dinner tonight?

OLD / BORING EMAIL SUBJECT LINE: ATTN: General Mills. I found a rusty spring in a box of your Booberry Cereal.
NEW / EXCITING EMAIL SUBJECT LINE: ATTN: ADOBE COREL WINDOWS XP CRACKZ. I found a 1000 FREE PASSWORDZ in a WET TEEN VAGINA of your ONLINE POKER CASINO.
EVEN BETTER SUBJECT LINE: ATTN: ADOBE COREL WINDOWS XP CRACKZ. I found a 1000 FREE PASSWORDZ in a WET TEEN VAGINA of your ONLINE POKER CASINO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TRUNCHEON BOXCAR RABBIT RAINBOW PARADE%F%60%NSTF??????

STEP THREE: WRITE THE BODY.

Although the body of your email takes second place to its colorful and exciting subject line, you should still spend a significant amount of effort writing and working on it. After all, as the famous novelist Mark Twain once said, "the body of a message tells the world that blah blah blah words something about the failures of southern Reconstruction." The typical body is broken up into three distinct sections:

PART 1: THE INTRODUCTION

This usually consists of a helpful Bible proverb, amusing anecdote about a blonde woman on an elevator, or some sort of message wishing the recipient the best of luck in all future endeavors for the day. Try to make the person reading your email feel comfortable, much like how all those serial killers on Lifetime Network movies act all nice and pleasant to trick women into marrying them, shortly before they reveal their dark, evil side and begin regularly beating the snot out of them like a pinata crammed full of jewelry and ground beef.

This is where I store all my email. Ask me how you too can store your email in an air fun castle! I won't tell you!

PART 2: THE MESSAGE

Write down whatever key ideas or concepts you originally intended on conveying in this section. Keep in mind that folks using the Internet have unusually short attention spans incapable of comprehending anything containing more than two syllables, and most folks simply do not have the time to read lengthy, wordy dissertations because they are far too busy having sex with supermodels and racing Formula-1 cars. In space. With Harlan Ellison. Of the future. Try to avoid boring and possibly infuriating the recipient of your email with needlessly verbose messages. For example, the phrase "Hey mate, do you want to go skating later with Nate?" can be easily optimized into "hey m8, do u want 2 go sk8ng l8r w/ n8?" If you're really dedicated to the concept of brevity and effort conservation, you could additionally shrink it down to its primary core elements, the sentence "I'm a colossal faggot who deserves death." If your message requires more than two sentences of text, just give up and don't bother sending any message because, honestly, nobody on the Internet can possibly read that much information without the help of several NASA scientists.

PART 3: THE CONCLUSION

The number one annoyance for all web users these days is the proliferation of spam messages. Everybody hates spam! Spam is the worst! Sending spam is like molesting children only there's no children or molestation involved! To make sure nobody accidentally confuses your highly important email message with an evil, vile heap of junk mail, be sure to include a few sentences at the end of your message explaining how your email is perfectly legitimate and there's no way anybody anywhere could ever confuse it with spam, even if the ghost of junk mail ejaculated into their eyes. Here's the disclaimer I use at the conclusion of all my messages:

PLEASE ACCEPT MY APOLOGIES IF YOU RECEIVED THIS EMAIL MESSAGE IN ERROR OR IF SOMEBODY SHOWED IT TO YOU AND YOU FAILED TO COVER YOUR EYES FIRST! This is not spam! Seriously! For real! If you received this email, then you have voluntarily signed up for my Internet mailing list, "Friends of Udo Kier." If you would like to unsubscribe, please send an email to Jesus Christ and ask him why he cursed me to forever be confined to this wheelchair with my shriveled, useless legs. THIS IS NOT SPAM. THE UNAUTHORIZED DUPLICATION OR REPLICATION OF ANY PORTION OF THIS EMAIL IS PROHIBITED BY THE FOOD AND DRUG ADMINISTRATION AS WELL AS THE FUTURE FARMERS OF AMERICA ASSOCIATION. I accept no responsibility or liability for loss or damage arising from the rectal consumption of this message. Please allow 4-6 weeks for delivery. THIS IS NOT SPAM!!!!!!!!!

STEP FOUR: THE ATTACHMENT.

Every decent email worth its weight in bytes comes with an attachment; it's like the dessert after a wonderful Arby's five-course meal. The most popular email attachment is the "hilarious picture" which falls into the following categories:

1) Hilarious animals doing wacky things which one would normally associate with the behavior of a human being but surely not that of an animal!
2) Wacky signs in hilariously wacky locations, such as a sign reading "NO DUMPING" outside of a restroom! Or a church sign with a wacky and hilarious double connotation! Oh those crazy religious people, when will they ever learn?
3) Wackarious celebrity Photoshops displaying famous actors and actresses engaging in hilacky antics or looking particularly unattractive! It's funny because they're rich and famous and we bring them down to our level by insulting them! Ha ha!

Of course all these images can be found on ebaum's world, the Internet's one-stop source for plagiarized material and unoriginal content. If you don't have access to a grade school full of children who have helpfully bookmarked the site everywhere, feel free to take any image on the Internet, compress the filesize in Photoshop by about 500 times, and stamp a helpful ebaum's world copyright notice on the bottom of it. You know, so people don't steal the image from their site without giving them credit. Like ebaum's world does. Here's an awesome starter image you can use if your computer refuses to visit any site besides Something Awful because your parents are some type of reverse-Christians or something:

STEP FIVE: THERE IS NO STEP FIVE!

If you have followed my guidelines, you will have undoubtedly created the most perfect email to ever grace the Internet! You can now die a happy man and / or woman, secure in the knowledge that you contributed to the Internet in a wholesome and fulfilling way that will undoubtedly serve as a hallmark of human history. In the unlikely event that your email didn't come out as totally awesome as you thought, feel free to use this form letter I created this morning after I awoke covered in a cold sweat and streamers of my own drool. I suspect I am molting. Happy Internetting, suckers!

– Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka (@lowtax)

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