Gameplay!The public has been demanding a high-quality volleyball simulator for years now, and finally the developers at Tecmo's Team Ninja have listened. The release date for "Dead or Alive: Extreme Beach Volleyball" is fast approaching, and I could not be more excited! The game promises to provide fast-paced and realistic volleyball gameplay coupled with extremely high-polygon player models and environments. Add this all to a casino and commerce model and you have what could be one the best sports games ever to come out for a console. Oh yeah, it somehow slipped my mind, but the game also looks like some sort of tech demo for Team Ninja's new "breast sway engine" that could revolutionize the entire gaming industry.
Hi, my name is Zack Parsons and you may remember me from reviews of games like "Battle Raper", "Water Closet", and "Snow Drop". After months of suffering through and reviewing Japanese dating and rape simulators I find myself feeling guilty to admit that, yes, I am looking forward to the Xbox's upcoming Sexy Volleyball game. Even before Lara Croft donned her first pair of khaki hot-pants, sexuality had begun to creep into the periphery of gaming. The oft-maligned "Custer's Revenge" featured rapes nearly as graphic as clouds that resemble a man and a woman running into each other over fifteen years ago. Nintendo fans around the world immediately fell in love with the revelation that Samus from Metroid was an acrobatic hottie and not a gun-toting muscle head. These two early plays on sexuality represent disparate ends of the spectrum of sex in gaming for me.
GAMEPLAY!On the one hand you have a juvenile and demeaning game for the Atari that roughly two people played and on the other you have a massive smash hit game that kept hidden from the audience until the very end that the protagonist was female. It was an eyebrow raising epiphany for many nine-year old boys that "girls can kick ass", but once the secret was out the fanboys and their pencils flew into action drawing a curvaceous femme fatale to fit their fantasies. As the industry progressed so did this model of the female protagonist, with increasingly buxom and ass-kicking women being granted roles in games normally reserved for their testosterone fueled counterparts. It was at once dismaying and empowering. For the dismaying side of affairs the developers were obviously selling games based on sex appeal, even if they liked to pretend otherwise. On the up side ladies finally got a handful of female characters at the center of the action that broadened the audience to include more women.
Following the "pure sex object" model of high-quality games like "Custer's Revenge" is a smaller group of games, many of them quite good, which make no secret of the fact that the women in the game are there to be looked at. An example on the good side of things would be Duke Nuke 'Em 3D. It was a great game that just happened to have scantily clad stripper sprites littered throughout a few of the levels. The gyrating pixels fit with the ridiculously macho theme of the game and no one but a few mothers with too much time on their hands really gave it a second thought.
In the last few years the course of these two types of "sex appeal" games has melded almost indistinguishably. Where Bloodrayne and its vinyl vixen stop and the bikini-clad volleyball girls from Sexy Volleyball begin is hard to tell. There may not even really be a difference anymore. One is using cheesecake to sell the game and the other is using cheesecake as the main selling point, does it really matter which tactic is being used? For those looking for ammunition in their petty and idiotic console wars the answer is definitely yes. Fans of the Nintendo Gamecube point at titles like Sexy Volleyball, make that horrible yelling sound from "Invasion of the Bodysnatchers", and expect everyone to realize that the Xbox is nothing but tits and guns to appease the Neanderthal urges of the mono-browed, mouth-breathing, NASCAR fans that play Xbox. Meanwhile, equally abrasive Xbox fans are turning the point around on them and declaring the Gamecube as a haven for childish and inoffensively androgynous characters best suited for first-graders and the developmentally disabled. It helps people feel good about themselves to hate other people for what they enjoy.
GAMEPLAY!!!!!Getting back to the original topic, sex in videogames is fast becoming a pissing contest between rival fans and Sexy Volleyball is right smack dab in the middle of the spreading pool of urine. Personally I don't understand the problem with the game. It has incredibly good graphics that, yes, include scantily clad girls with a detailed physics model for their breasts. It has fluid animation and bright environments that are a refreshing change of pace from the dreary hell worlds of games like "Mech Assault" or "Metroid Prime". Ultimately it will succeed or fail on the merits of its game play and not the detail of the nipples straining at the fabric of the bikini tops. What effect it may have on the gaming industry as a whole is anyone's guess, and since I'm anyone, I feel confident in taking a guess.
The astonishing success of Sexy Volleyball, which will sell more copies than any game before it, will produce a long line of imitators each trying to surpass each other with questionable content. After a year of waning sales, even the chaste Nintendo will realize that the jig is up and turn its attention towards heavily sexualizing all of its games. Through the magic of forecasting technology and uninformed theories that amount to me "making shit up", I bring you three of the best-selling games of 2004.
Dead or Alive: Extreme Beach Breast Cancer DetectionTap X and Y to detect lumps!Under the guise of a game aimed at teaching women that early detection is the best way to prevent breast cancer, DoA: Extreme Beach Breast Cancer will turn out to be one of the hottest games ever made. This revolutionary title will feature an all new advanced breast sway engine, with the most realistic sway physics ever created and characters composed of so many polygons they are almost photorealistic Barbie Dolls. Two modes of play will be available. In "Story Mode" players will have to battle through three stages of detecting breast cancer in their character. The first stage will include several environments like "the shower" and "bathroom mirror" and as the female character on screen runs her hands over her bare breasts the game will use advanced vibration techniques to allow the player to actually "feel for lumps". Once the player finds all three lumps in the breasts they will advance to the next stage.
Stage two will be a mammography simulator. Similar to the previous level, the player will guide his character into disrobing, placing her breasts one at a time in a mammogram machine, and then shooting mammography images of the breasts. It will be difficult to perfectly line up the breast in the machine, but skill and a lot of button mashing will get the job done as the timer counts down. Once again, when all three lumps are found with mammography the player will advance to the next and final stage. The player will be faced with a sedated version of his character on the operating table and must tap and biopsy all three lumps marked on the bare breasts. Speed and skill are of the essence as a timer counts to down for when the anesthetic will wear off. If the player is successful a cut scene will be show with the character chosen going through chemotherapy treatment and ultimately beating breast cancer in a show of determination.
Players will also be able to go head to head in the 1 on 1 lump detection battle mode. Similar to the single player mode, two characters will be paired up with the goal of detecting lumps in their opponent's breasts by massaging them vigorously. Environments are said to include a bathtub, a wading pool full of Jello, a mud pit, and a bed, with several interactive areas for each arena and at least 3 arenas that can be unlocked through story mode.
Super Mario BrothelMario explains "what it is" to one of his "finest mares".Nintendo will be the last company to throw their hat into the sex-sells ring, but they will also prove to be one of the most successful and innovative companies at doing just that. Their first title in the genre will be "Super Mario Brothel" an action/RPG hybrid that will fuse the fast-paced platforming and franchise characters of the popular Mario games with the collect and train aspects of the similarly successful Game Boy Pokemon games. Players can choose from one of four characters that include Mario himself, Luigi, Princess Peach, and Toadstool. Each of them is starting up a brothel in a small town in the Mushroom Kingdom and must travel to various villages talking to the hottest girls and recruiting them for their "stable". Prostitutes who have been collected for their respective brothels can be trained in the "academy" mini-game section. The academy will include games like one-on-one battles against rival prostitutes to attempt to bring a John to climax the quickest, button mashing contests of stamina to see if they can honor request to urinate on a client's chest, and a coat-hangar abortion simulator similar to the lock-picking sequences in Splinter Cell. In all there will be some fifteen mini-games for training the workers at your brothel.
The overall goal of the game will be to win the status of "greatest brothel in the mushroom kingdom" with a variety of trophies and prizes to accompany this prestigious award. Competing brothels will be played by the computer or up to three other human players in split-screen party mode. The most successful brothel, and the stiffest competition, will be offered by Bowser's Koopa Ranch, where the evil turtle's legions of koopas and goombahs will offer stiff competition for the realistic-looking human prostitutes Mario and company can recruit.
Caring for your prostitutes and keeping them "in line" will be an important part of gameplay as well. Each "mare" in the player's "stable" will require different treatment to ensure they remain happy and productive. Some will enjoy being coddled, given gifts, or even serviced by the player, while others will like verbal abuse and the occasional application of Mario's pimp-hand.
Jenna Jameson Pro-SkaterJenna does a noseblunt at the factory. I don't know what a noseblunt is other than, well, that.One of the hottest porn-stars combined with one of the hottest skating franchises will create one of the hottest games of 2004. After an abortive all-nude Madden outing, developers for Sony's PS2 console get with the program and create a skating action-sports game with a touch of pornographic class. Players will be able to choose from a wide variety of their favorite starlets from Vivid Pictures and compete on the skateboard and off it. Stunts for the skating portion will include old favorites like "720 surf and turf", "2160 olliepallooza", "1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue", and "666 skate of the beast", as well as new stunts like "650,430 vortex" and the nigh-impossible "12,121,121 fractal".
Off the skateboard the player can compete for stunts in amateur porn shoots at locations throughout three virtual cityscapes. Hundreds of brand-new erotic stunts will be created just for the game, and while I don't have the time to list all of them, the amazing power of my precognition and ability to make up lists of dirty words has allowed me to get a glimpse at the future of adult action-sports gaming.500 Man GangbangThat's just the tip of the iceberg with a whopping total of over 350 skating stunts and 200 porn stunts that can be performed to earn points, unlock porn stars, and complete bonus missions. Jenna Jameson Pro Skater promises to succeed where BMX XXX failed miserably.
720 Freestyle Double Penetration
All Girl Orgy
Backdoor Beauty Bonus
360 Fake Bondage Video
720 Hardcore Bondage Fetish Video
Bangbus Fake Amateur Action
Disgustingly Misplaced Rimjob Scene
Curb Rider Deep Anal Fisting
My biggest fear is actually that Sexy Volleyball will lead to mainstream American Hentai games. I think there's a huge difference between cheesecake volleyball and rape simulators where women are crying. Do you really want the next Final Fantasy game to feature the main character having sex with his sister and then his mom? Okay, maybe you do, but I don't. I'm perfectly content to enjoy the jiggling pixels offered up by Sexy Volleyball, but if the sequel features a "water closet" and Lei Fang having to take a shit I'm going to be mighty pissed off.
Summer Movie Preview Mania with Jeff K.!
Another round of blockbuster movies is on the way and Jeff K. is ahead of the pack previewing them all, or at least the important ones.
my Naem si MY NAME SI JEFF K adn yuo might previosuly know me from my award winning webpaege at Jeff K. (my webpage). BUT I am tired of writeing about video games and my TV set broke anyway when I threw a hat at it!!! OH NOS!!! But yet, so I haev decided to write up a previews page about movies comeing up in teh year 2003, in teh summar whitch it si not already and I HAVE TIPS!!! I HAVE UNDARCOVAR SOURCES IN TEH MOVIEMAKEING INSUDTRSY WHICH IS HOW I GOT ALL THESE RED HOT TIPS!!! so yuo can hand yuorself yuor own ass in yuor hands and take my pearls too teh bank gents, becuase I HAEV SCOOPED ALL TEH MAJOR MOVIE SITES WITH THES ARTICAL!!! especailly that webpaegs about teh fat Chewbacca who sees movies and then rates tehm based on how good teh popcorn and Twix were at teh movie theatar. MY PAGE IS WILL BE BETTAR THAN THAT SHIT so either leave it or lump it, flathead! AHHAHAHAHA!!!
I can't really add anything to that, so go read it!
Finally: an advice column for the rest of us! (Who seek to enslave humanity.)
Even the most fervent gun control advocate would admit that guns kill people, not other guns. We must become the guns we wish to see in the world.
A Goon outs himself as a wizard and gets a warm reception from the rogues/rangers/paladins gallery!
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.