Hi folks, Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell here. As your seemingly friendly State Og Representative, my job is to cram knowledge you didn't know you needed into orifices you'll soon wish you didn't have. We know that abstract conceptions such as "time" and "flour" can be hard to grasp for most people. This is why we went ahead and assembled a calendar of upcoming State Og events which in some way will affect and likely ruin your life. Now you don't have to go through the hassle of figuring out what you're doing on a given day by using a sundial and complicated memorization techniques. Instead, you only have to check the calendar, and decide whether to wear radiation-safe pants or not according to that day's planned activities.
Many State Og workers lost their lives, fingers, and even keys while preparing this calendar. Considering their sacrifices, a big thanks go out to the following agents and the items they lost: Jason "Vengeance Otter" Johnson (right half of face), Gary "Gary Morris" Morris (authentic boxer shorts worn by Babe Ruth), Michael "Slash And Burn" Hollenbeck (virginity), Matt "Krang" Eckert (respect of all those he knew), Aaron "Elcybergoth" Young (two teaspoons of sugar), and myself (Slash And Burn's virginity). Let's get right to the calendar for the rest of the month of January, broken down by week!
1.19.2003 - State Og will be holding it's own protest at PETA's North American headquarters, in response to the several PETA led demonstrations during which they objected to our new product called the Animal Totem Pole of Life. The so-called "animal-rights" organization asserts that the act of planting a twenty-foot pole in the ground and then impaling various live animals on it is cruel, but we maintain our position that we, State Og, are the true defenders of animal-rights, seeing that we are protecting the right of all animals to be skewered alive. During our protest, several standard Animal Totem Poles of Life will be erected, but every other animal impaled will be a PETA member.
1.20.2003 - Og Farms celebrates ten years of unexplosive dairy products. It's hard to believe, but it's already been a decade since the inception of our guarantee that absolutely no more TNT or otherwise explosive chemicals would find their way into our delicious milk-bourne products! Our consumers feel safe in knowing that they can enjoy our "Cherry Chihuaha" ice cream without fear of it containing even trace amounts of liquid nitrogen, or at the very least any amount that would warrant any sort of "large and incendiary" explosion.
1.21.2003 - State Og will be holding an Open House from 8:00 a.m. to 7 p.m. at the home of Ginny & Gerald Barham, who are on a romantic vacation in Hawaii. Recommended attire is "burglar casual." Due to budget constraints, we have to ask you to bring your own hammers and incendiary devices.
1.22.2003 - It's time again for the State Og Three-Legged Puppy Ultimate Frisbee Challenge! Bring your horribly misshapen pets to 458 El Camino Drive (thanks for hosting this year, Suzie Littleton!) at 4:00 p.m. to compete with other puppy Frisbee enthusiasts. Remember, you'll also need to bring four packs of matches, two gallons of gasoline, a timed explosive, and at least one large Tupperware container to meet the requirements of State Og's custom Ultimate Frisbee rules.
The retired 2001 champion.
1.23.2003 - Once again the Newborn Infant Triathlon will truly define that fine line between nature and nurture as dozens of tiny triathletes race by cycling, swimming and running. Unlike every other triathlon newborn infants have no clue how to compete in such an event, and must rely on the instincts passed to them from the womb, guaranteeing an exciting and unpredictable spectacle. The first event this year will be cycling due to the disappointing performance last year when we started (and ended) with the swim.
1.24.2003 - At 12:35 an unexpected and certainly unplanned explosion will rock Barbera Streisand Stadium during the first annual State Og Bowl... rock it like a hurricane! The twenty thousand in attendance (who coincidentally are upcoming witnesses in numerous pending litigations against State Og) will all perish horribly, and State Og shall laugh deeply, choking on the ashes of our enemies. There will be free hot dogs, so bring the whole family!
1.25.2003 - All employees who have children attending any of State Og's onsite daycare centers will be delighted to hear a new book will be featured at story-time entitled "Is Mommy or Daddy a No Good Snitch?" It's about a young child who, after a visit from Chuckles, The Secular Multi-Ethnic Holiday Monster, learns that the people who work for State Og but are in fact undercover agents for the government, media, or other companies are evil and eventually eat their own children. Chuckles tells the kid what signs to look for in order to tell if his parents are rotten snitches. Both the young tyke’s parents are news reporters who are trying to dig up dirt on State Og! The tale concludes with the youth turning in his double-crossing parents (who are dismembered and eaten by Chuckles) and then flying away with Chuckles in his enchanted gyrocopter, to the magical land of Happymagictoycandycarnivalworld.
1.27.2003 - Participants in this year's State Og sponsored scorpion gargling competition are reminded that the use of non-venomous varieties such as Opistophthalmus macer or Opistophthalmus capensis will result in an immediate disqualification. Contestants under the age of thirteen are also required by state law to have a parent or legal guardian present in the event of a sudden death tie-breaker, popularly referred to as "The Needle Round."
1.28.2003 - Public Relations Director Burt Felk will commit suicide on the steps of the Wayler County Courthouse in protest of the monstrously unjust decision handed down by Judge Wallace Ford late last week. The decision put an end to State Og's wildly successful guerilla-marketing campaign which involved disinterring corpses from all walks of death and tying them to the backs of buses with various hip and edgy slogans burned into their rotting flesh. Heroic Mr. Felk will be dousing himself in gasoline and lighting himself on fire while abusing himself feverishly, an act symbolizing the futility of seeking true justice in the American legal system.
We have nothing to do with this. Seriously.
1.29.2003 - Starting at 5:00 p.m., we will begin the annual State Og Blood Drive! Bring your entire family and join in on the festivities, and remember to give blood to your local State Og chapter. If you're hesitant, consider that the process will not hurt a bit, and that your blood will not be used to resurrect two three-thousand-year-old vampires from their underwater coffins. This is the State Og guarantee.
1.30.2003 - State Og will show support for Clown Car DUI Awareness Day by getting hundreds of clowns amazingly hammered and stuffing them into tiny automobiles. The dangers of Clown Car DUI will never be more apparent than when the streets are flooded with small amounts of wreckage and long trails of wounded / dead / creepy clowns. For the safety of the clowns, several tiny ambulances filled with dozens of paramedics will be standing by with broken gurneys and seltzer bottles.
1.31.2003 - State Og will be unveiling a new wing in fourteen hospitals nationwide: the Ugly Ward. Exceptionally ugly newborns, patients recovering from horrific facial injuries, and generally unpleasant looking people will now receive the special attention they deserve in the Ugly Ward. Gas chamber showers and hilariously unpredicatble collapsing beds are just some of the luxuries we've provided as part of this public service.
There's Always Room For Og!
If you've come here looking for the finest in women's underwear, then boy have you come to the wrong place. I mean, seriously. How the fuck did you read all the way down here? But if you've come looking for the finest in products and services offerred by a maniacal corporation which would very much like to skin you alive until you knock that "being alive" stuff off, then you're in the right place, because State Og has updated once again!
The world was a bleak and colorless place in the closing years of the 19th century. The common man was smothered in a blanket of sickly peace and prosperity, unable to break the shackles of affluence that kept him from being the best he could be. Even the lowest of men lounged about on silk pillows, eating grapes from the cleavage of nubile serving girls, who ate their grapes from the loincloths of their serving boys, and so on and so on, all the way down to the lowest of the low, the boy who placed each grape in just the right place between the first serving girl's cleavage.
You'll never read a better arrangement of words in your entire life than the ones contained in State Og. Even if you do, it would be in your best interest not to tell a living soul. Or a dead soul for that matter, if you can speak to the dead or are a Ghostbuster, I guess. Just go read it now, and whatever you do, don't cross the streams.
Are you concerned that you may be a character trapped in a Tom Waits song? Be smart and learn the warning signs before it's too late. Also, it's too late. It has always been too late.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.