Can we talk about how these pants lie somewhere on the evolutionary line between jeans and some type of fat guy dress?Kevin Smith, an extremely fat man, different from all other fat men by virtue of having made references to weed and Star Wars on the silver screen, was not given any form of special treatment and was subject to the usual Fat Guy policy of a major airline over the weekend, surprising everyone in the entire world.
The popular fat man (pictured right) was asked to leave an airplane due to being too fat to sit in a normal, human-style seat on Saturday.
"It is great to be here at Macworld 2010-- having only been invited because nobody from Apple is coming-- so I can practice public speaking for more interesting events such as comic book store openings and Jason Mewes' funeral," the alphabet soup Smith was daydreaming about had spelled out, "We honestly didn't expect you to make it this long, buddqlpm."
By the fat man's own admission via Twitter, he is wildly fat, but claims he should not have been removed from airplanes like all other fat men for voodoo reasons which were not explained. With no emergency shortages of nostalgic-references-being-passed-off-as-jokes reported near his destination, it is not immediately clear why the critically acclaimed and critically fat director was in such a hurry.
Fans condemned the lack of preferential treatment given to the portly celeb, which caused a major airline-- one who literally transports thousands upon thousands of living people using flying metal tubes in the goddamn sky 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, no shit-- to perform highly-public damage control over the weekend at the hands of a vengeful bearded Twitter baby.
"We do not apologize for treating one man like all others," the airline probably should have said, but did not due to fear of bad press on a website where people announce when they poop and how much, "It's too bad he's so dang fat, but it isn't really unreasonable to ask someone who is too fat to sit on one of our planes to make another arrangement for travel."
Treatment of the blood-blister-like man has been used as evidence of everyday fat people mistreatment by acceptance groups and other organizations.
"If they treated Kevin Smith like a celebrity and let him stay on the plane, we'd definitely still be making a stink about all the other people who get kicked off planes all the time, for sure man," fat acceptance crusaders probably thought, while wondering if it is possible to cross over into these alternate universes where they will look like actual heroes and fighters for those who are truly disadvantaged, rather than shitty, transparent, headline-chasing opportunists.
The airline, ultimately forced to apologize for doing absolutely nothing wrong in the way you'd expect a dying orphan to, offered Smith a $100 voucher for his extremely fat trouble, which was also met with a relentlessly brutal text-lashing via Twitter. Still large and seemingly in charge of the situation, he then recorded a nearly 90-minute podcast, which I'm assuming is exactly like tuning in to whiny high school kids talking down about their teachers over CB radio. I say "assuming" because if you think I'm listening to that shit even for a moment you're fucking mistaken. Honestly, now.
Remarkably, despite the dazzling transmission of rapier wit from Clerks 2 director Kevin Smith's cell phone, the major airline somehow continues to operate. As serious as this situation is, there are no apparent casualties, except perhaps the public perception of one guy so full of himself he couldn't do anything but publicly complain about being anything other than America's Favorite Fat Hack for more than a few hours.
Sometimes I dream that I'm sitting in the back of the defunct Weinermobile as it careens driverless down the highway. At first I thought this was symbolic of the powerlessness I feel in life, but then I realized it's actually the Weinermobile's dream of being able to drive again.
Three years ago, when we were burying my uncle, Cleaver and some gross lady dog (Solstice???) showed up at the cemetery and starting going at it really loudly. It ruined everything and we had to have a "re-do" the next day and it cost a fortune. I've hated him ever since for that.
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