Learn About God - The FPS Way!
Coming hot of the heels of... well, I guess it's really not coming off the heels of anything. But if there was something, and assuming it had heels, this upcoming feature would definitely be hot and proceeding in a direction that indicated it was in fact traveling in a method that was indeed from its heels. Something Awful has once again turned towards its roots of reviewing the most awful video games, and is proud to present our newest contribution to the cesspit that is the game review section. Get ready for... Life's Battles, a Christian FPS game that will just rock your world!
Life's Battle has it all! Well, if by "all" you mean it has the following:
Angry trees! They'll fuck your shit if you piss them off!
Cryptic horses! Watch in terror as they provide worthless clues and force you to jump over walls for their own amusement!
The floating Judge Wapner torso of DOOM! I pronounce you GUILTY of failing to love Jesus!
The Holy Dinette Set! Jesus and pals ate here! Or maybe he didn't! Who knows!
Riches and prizes beyond your wildest dreams! But watch out for the Whammies which will take it all away!
A junked up Jeep that is apparently a bizarre metaphor for death! Boy, that's deep!
According to the Life's Battle website, which was recently upgraded to display more than three colors at once, their game teaches the following "universal Christian principles":
Thankfulness - As in "I thank God that the person who created this game will soon die and fail to exist on the planet Earth."
Protection - Okay, I wasn't aware this was a Christian principle. Then again, what do I know? If I had to list all the Christian principles offhand, I would probably guess: love for that Jesus guy, reliability, having a recent "born on" date, flammability, the ability to read street signs when driving down the street really fast, resistance to wind-based attacks, animal, vegetable, and mineral.
Pure Conscience - This one was a little confusing, because I can pretty much shove small crippled children into passing traffic and I'll have a clear conscious. In fact, I 'd probably write an update about it.
Suffering - Having grown up in a Christian house, I can firmly believe this one.
Yielding Rights - I do not have the right-of-way in Jesus' eternal kingdom when I'm turning right on a red stoplight. Also, don't tailgate God.
Moral Purity - I got bales of that shit. Actually, I've been talking about my moral purity when trying to pick up women lately. I come up to them, buy them a glass of water, and say, "hey baby, want to have kinky unprotected sex with a guy who's really fucking morally pure?" If they refuse then I pull out my trump card and mention my lesbian foot fetish. That usually wins their skank-asses over.
Success - As in "successful installation of a crappy game." Easy enough.
Make sure to force your bloated fleshy hand to shove your mouse icon over and click to read this thrilling review of a FPS aimed at the always profitable Christian education market. Did the game live up to expectations? Did I finally enjoy a highly religious game? Are the graphics on par with something made in this millennium? Is Marsha pregnant with Brad's baby? Did Maggie really shoot Mr. Burns? All these questions and oh so many more answered in today's review of Life's Battle!
I'm not afraid to admit that I haven't enjoyed an RPG since Ultima 5 and Final Fantasy 1. I just haven't been able to find a game that could hold my attention like those two could (with the exception of the Final Fantasies on the Game Boy, all of which were completely excellent in a very bizarre way). However, I recently bought Grandia 2 for the Dreamcast, and I'm proud to say that it's an excellent game. What's the point of this update? Not much, I just wanted to express my joy in finally finding a title that I wanted to keep playing for longer than 15 minutes. If you have a Dreamcast, pick up Grandia 2. If you don't have a Dreamcast, then go out and fucking buy one. They're like $12.99 with the purchase of a six pack of tube socks at Target. On a related console note, I'm going to pick up a Gameboy Advance tomorrow, as I'm finding myself drifting away from computer games (which are released as buggy hunks of shit) to console games (which never need to be patched). Read into that as whatever you'd like.
To round out this blob of e/n goodness, let me also note that PIG's "Genuine American Monster" CD is excellent. Not as many catchy tunes as "Wrecked" or "Sinsation," but wonderful nonetheless. Raymond Watts is a genius and it's a shame he can't find a good record label in the US. Continuing in the music vein, has anybody heard Haujobb's "Polarity" CD yet? I heard some of the tracks from Planet Myer, and it sounded excellent. I'm hoping "Polarity" won't be a lump of crud like "Ninety-nine," which has to be the weakest followup CD in the history of the universe. Then again, I thought "Solutions for a Small Planet" was a wonderful work of art, so anything would be hard to follow it. Other music issues I have include the following:
Somebody force 16volt to hurry up and make a new CD. I guess their band is back together again, so I can start hoping that they pump out another good album. Eric Powell is great.
DJ Acucrack? No. If you like Acumen and Acumen Nation, don't think DJ Acucrack will be anything like them. It's shitty trance music. Blah.
Are the Swamp Terrorists doing anything now? If not, what a waste of talent.
What about Chemlab? "Burnout at the Hydrogen Bar" was one of the best metal-industrial albums ever, and "East Side Militia" was one of the ONLY good cyberpunk industrial CDs I've heard. Now they're doing crap with notorious no-talent Brian Black of Haloblack infamy. Every single H3llb3nt creation would be 500% better if Black would just go fly a donut into space and stop doing whatever the hell he does to make surrounding music so crappy.
Snog. David Thrussel, along with Ray Watts, makes me very happy. If you remember anything from today's update, make sure it's to buy every Snog album there is. Start with "Buy Me I'll Change Your Life" and then move to "Third Mall From the Sun." Genius stuff. Yet another artist who creates extremely wonderful work, yet never gets the credit he deserves.
If you haven't heard any of the bands / CDs I've mentioned, please head over and check them out. I'm not getting any commission or making any money by linking to these bands here; they are all simply excellent performers and don't get enough credit for what they do. Hopefully I can spread the word, people will buy more of their CDs, and they will be able to make more music to entertain me. Oh, if only the Internet worked in the same fashion...
As the 19th century diver approaches a giant clam, a flash of brilliant golden light flares from within the shell. I emerge in a swirl of bubbles and do the timeless universal underwater hand signals for the following: ZODIAC KILLER, KKK, BLOOD OF YOUTH
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