We Beat the Zombie Pants Off the Zombie Competition!
I hate monopolies. When a single corporation has an iron grip on a particular industry, the market stops becoming free, all competition disappears, and the consumers are left with overpriced products. Although Microsoft is often considered a monopoly, I think people are missing one of the biggest monopolies of our time; the nefarious Umbrella Corporation. For years Umbrella has dominated zombie production, even recently expanding into the production and sales of "giant horrible genetic monsters which kill you once you buy them" (patent pending).
Knowing that no one else really had the guts to go head to head with these titans of industry, Lowtax and I sat down with a venture capitalist and pitched our plan. Our company, "Arlogeist GmbH," would produce and aggressively market next generation zombie products, bringing a previously unseen quality of undead to the consumer and giving them an edgy "in-your-face" marketing spin! We received the funding needed a little over a year ago... now I am happy to announce Arlogeist's new line of zombies! Please keep in mind that these hip ambulatory corpses "ain't your daddy's zombies!" and that their quality will "totally blow you away!" Radical to the max, dude!
The Helper ZombieThis zombie majored in 'Enabling the Community'!Have you seen the sort of helper zombies Umbrella is marketing to people these days? They are falling apart, they aimlessly shamble around while getting blood all over your carpet, they are dressed in rags, and they have a whopping two vowel vocabulary. Our helper zombies are durable and well dressed, coated in a non-stick poly-urethane finish and wearing a luxurious tuxedo (or evening gown) that is guaranteed to absorb and conceal any possible zombie leakage. Each zombie comes with an extra leg attached to their hip for added bonus walking action, and Arlogeist zombies are capable of using up to five consonants (vowel upgrade available). Perfect for latchkey kids! Pick up your helper zombie today or look at one of our incredible specialized zombies based on the Helper Chassis:
All of our Helper Zombies come with a 90-day warranty and are available in crimson, lavender, or aquamarine color schemes and potpourri and pine-fresh scents.
- Butler / Maid zombie (cleans and cooks, does not prepare meat.)
- Gardener zombie (pieces that fall off will fertilize your very own garden!)
- Checkers zombie (fun for the whole family! Coming soon: Tic-Tac-Toe zombie)
- Wet-nurse zombie (zombie does not lactate, lacto reservoir must be maintained)
- Party zombie (RECALLED AFTER ARIZONA MURDER RAMPAGE)
- Comedy zombie (his jokes will have you rolling in your grave!)
- Nanny zombie (chest night-light available, sings festive children's song "Glue," which goes; "GLUUUUUUUUUEEEE, GLUUUUUUUUUUUUEE, GLUUUUUUUUUUEEEEEEE!")
- Designated Driver zombie (he'll never ever take a drink)
- Sex zombie (not available outside the United States)
The Protector Zombie
Umbrella's attempts at home defense zombies have proven highly unsuccessful, yet they remain the only protection zombie available on the market…until now! Arlogeist is proud to present its new line of Protector Zombies! No sassy girl in a beret with a 9mm pistol is going to rain on your parade with our zombies patrolling your eerily quiet mansion! Like our Helper models, the Protectors are dapper, attractive, and guaranteed not to leave a mess behind. In fact they are self cleaning, capable of consuming an entire cow carcass in under an hour! These Zombies come complete with a lot of extras you won't find on those second-rate Umbrella products:
Arlogeist GmbH Protector Zombies are available wherever fine zombies are sold. They come in cloudy gray, forest green, and camouflage color schemes and are available in both neutral and deer pheromone scents.
- Protector Zombie is capable of differentiating between scientist and Raccoon City policeman.
- Upgraded armor! A boiler plate has been riveted to the torso of every Protector zombie.
- Free walkie-talkie with every zombie (zombie not capable of actually using walkie-talkie)
- Arlogeist guarantees that our Protector Zombie will not devour your children (may devour select parts of your children)
- Shock collar prevents Protector Zombie from wandering off property.
- Unlike lazy human guards, Protector Zombies do not play cards, take cigarette breaks, or use the bathroom (zombies may fall over and be unable to get back up without assistance)
- Zombies' lack of vocabulary saves you valuable time dealing with back-sass
- Protector Zombie now comes with free and refreshing "Zombie Juice" dispenser located in chest cavity (WARNING: Women who are or may be pregnant should not consume zombie juice as it may cause child to be born as horrible zombie baby)
The most advanced zombie model to be produced by Arlogeist is our incredible Zombie President, something that Umbrella has not even attempted. These Zombies were created using a revolutionary secret recipe of chemicals, politician corpses, radiation, and voodoo magic. Each President Zombie comes complete with a four-year guarantee that can be extended to eight-years with proper maintenance and chemical treatments. The Zombie President is the ultimate politico; it is suave and charming, but knows when to get down to brass tacks and talk business. Next stop for Zombie President: Washington DC! Each Zombie President is lovingly hand crafted and comes with the following incredible money-saving features:
The Zombie President comes in Democratic Mint, Republican Fresh, or Independent Green Tea scents. Zombie Presidents can be purchased direct from Arlogeist only.
- Zombie President is capable of saying its own name! (Note: All Zombie Presidents currently named "Glue." Upcoming model will be named "Runk")
- Zombie President immune to graft; it does not want a thing but justice for the voter! (WARNING: If zombie president does not receive weekly chemical treatments, it will eat babies)
- Our Zombie President is perfect for any political party as it has absolutely no stance on any issues.
- Great for making a good impression on voters during election! The Zombie president will shake hands, bend iron bars, or walk through plate glass windows as needed.
- Zombie President will not start wars unless it is for a really good reason.
- Difficult to assassinate! Our Zombie President won't even notice if it gets shot.
- Cleaning and maintenance kit makes dangerous Boron and Chlorine leakage cleanup as easy as one, two, three!
- Zombie President difficult to kidnap and replace with convincing clone.
Armed with our growing list of zombies and zombie-related products I am confident that Arlogeist GmbH is well-equipped to dethrone Umbrella as the largest retailer of the undead. Our products are clearly superior and our pro-consumer philosophy really casts an unfavorable light on the competition.
The Power of Your Words
Fans of River City Ransom, take heart! It appears the e-mail campaign type thingy that we started in an effort to resurrect the best fighting/roleplaying/book-reading game ever has proven at least partially successful. Atlus Games has added a little blurb in their daily rants pointing to the fact that they have received just a little bit of inquiry for a RCR re-release or sequel. I highly recommend that we redouble our e-mails (read: tear-stained loveletters) and get Atlus to get their shit together and release/make this game!
Finally: an advice column for the rest of us! (Who seek to enslave humanity.)
Even the most fervent gun control advocate would admit that guns kill people, not other guns. We must become the guns we wish to see in the world.
A Goon outs himself as a wizard and gets a warm reception from the rogues/rangers/paladins gallery!
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.