Our Time Continuum is Being Compromised!
Another satisfied owner of the Timeraper.Time travel, once a thing reserved for killer robots, time cops, and faggy British Z-grade sci-fi, has become a terrifying reality thanks to TiVo's recent patent of mind-bending "time warping technology." Other companies were in a race with TiVo to develop and patent this technology, securing their future with the ability to travel into the past and eliminate the competition. Ostensibly used to "pause" live television broadcasts, the TiVo device represents a serious threat to the stability of our fragile space time continuum; they are playing God with a technology they do not fully understand! This and future products based on the "TiVo time distortion engine" will undoubtedly cause a rip in the fabric of reality, spilling forth the untold horrors of beyond onto our unsuspecting planet.
Arlogeist GmbH, always quick to steal someone else's idea and make it even more dangerous and scary, has recently acquired the technical schematics for the TiVo box. We've been busy adding features to it over the past weeks in an effort to bring you, the valued customer, more control over your viewing options and the course of history. Here and now, unveiled for the first time, is the The Arlogeist Timeraper!
The TimeraperQuick to install and easy to use!Cost: $550,000,000 (US)
Power Usage: Roughly equivalent to a city of 50,000 people
Size: Will fit in the local high school's small gym.
General Description: The Timeraper will take you on a wild ride through entertainment like you have never experienced before! Imagine watching the "Honeymooners," only with Ralph Kramden played by John Goodman and his wife Alice played by a Tyrannosaurus! You can do it with the mere push of a button. Envision comedy hit "Wings," only Joe Hackett is a basketball player from the Ukraine and his brother is a retarded gay pornstar! Just flip a lever and this can be reality! Have you ever daydreamed about a Stanley Cup game in which midgets play against Nazi stormtroopers? With the simple changing of the noble gas flood-tubes, your daydream can become a living nightmare.
- Live Broadcast Editing - Timeraper doesn't just pause the live broadcast like TiVo, it allows for on the fly editing of it! Did your favorite NBA all star just miss a crucial free throw? With a few gear adjustments, you may alter the time continuum so that a lazy maintenance man leaves a fan blowing at the exact spot needed to push that shot into the net.
- Easy Assassination/Assassination Avoidance - Want someone killed on your TV screen? Want to keep someone from getting killed? Slip the security guards at the press conference sleeping drugs or make the sniper forget to load his gun. The power is yours!
- Sitcom Hilarity Adjuster - Prime time sitcoms have become so formulaic that you know the punch line to every joke before the title sequence is even finished playing. Make those predictable one-liners a thing of the past... literally! Just when you think Chandler from "Friends" is about to deliver a sarcastic quip about not wanting to have sex with a gorgeous woman, slide the adjuster up and watch the wackiness begin. His mouth may fill with live grasshoppers, the set may be suddenly submerged in the ocean, or nuclear war may reduce the entire cast to shadows on concrete, who knows! That's the exciting and unpredictable nature of the Hilarity Adjuster.
- Retroactive Game Show Winner - When you watch those maroons on Jeopardy, do you think you know all the answers they don't? Now you can with the Timeraper's Retroactive Game Show Winner feature! Just restructure the Quantum Spheres and before you know it you'll be on that game show you're watching, winning acclaim and fabulous prizes. NOTE: Our scientists also tell us that you'll invariably win a horrible case of lung cancer as well.
- Keep People From Being Born - At the push of a button, a cybernetic killing machine can be sent into the past to execute the parent of an enemy before that person can even be born. Unlike the time machine used in "The Terminator", the Timeraper does not allow human freedom fighters to go back in time and stop your robot servant.
- Archeologist Confuser - This recently upgraded feature will send random objects back in time and bury them at famous archeological dig sites. Imagine the look on the faces of those smug bastards when they open that mummy's sarcophagus and find it filled with canned beans and issues of Newsweek!
Once again, I think Arlogeist has beaten the tar out of the competition with our evolutionary take on a high-tech product. The damage our Timeraper has caused to the normally linear flow of reality has created an added incentive for purchasing a Timeraper; buy one now and you will not have to live the same day over and over again like everyone else. Good luck with avoiding that trap, TiVo owners!
Are you concerned that you may be a character trapped in a Tom Waits song? Be smart and learn the warning signs before it's too late. Also, it's too late. It has always been too late.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.