Why would you have a 30 gallon water heater if you weren’t supposed to use all 30 gallons?

So long as Phoenix, AZ. is allowed to exist in this world, then no one—no one—has the right to give you guff about water waste.

Do you want to experience real power? How about rinsing out your shampoo with enough fresh water to hydrate an African village for a week.

You don’t need to be a freaking biologist to know that animal life crawled out of the water. It’s only natural for you to return to it on a daily basis.

You work hard and can do whatever you want with your money.  Sure you could splurge on a big gaudy watch or a nice car or you could enjoy the simple knowledge that your water meter is melting from the overuse.

They say each almond needs 1.1 gallons of water to grow. Well, what about (point at your crotch) deez nuts?

Look, koalas get all their hydration from the leaves they eat and you get 100% of your hydration from the shower faucet. It's a 1:1 comparison here, people.

If Trajan can build a decadent bathhouse and be praised for it centuries later, then surely there’s nothing wrong with enjoying your simple bathroom.


Without you, water charities like, umm, charity: water couldn’t exist. After all, how could they save water if you weren't flagrantly wasting it? You set them up, they knock em down.

How can you ever truly know you’re clean until every skin cell is swollen and your fingers are pruned until numb?

Yes, there is a limited water crisis. Yes, there is something of a global issue. But when the entire world is dried out and looks like some serious Mad Max shit, aren’t you going to be happy remembering the good times?

If it makes others feel better, the drain is sort of backed up, so for most of the shower you’re ankle deep in your own dingy tub water.

If you live in an apartment and your landlord pays the bill, you’d be a moron not to mindless waste as much water as you can at any and all times. It's just clear business sense. If you don’t have your shower running along with the kitchen faucet and any outdoor hose blasting whenever you walk through the door, you’re just throwing money away.

It’s better to not think of it as a morning shower but as a long-term transitional grey period between sleep and work.

Your DNA is 99% similar to, like, moss or something. You’re just trying to recreate the same humid habitat for your body. You’re pretty much a self-contained environmental protection agency.

It’s taken years of moving the knob bit by bit, but you’ve now successfully built up an immunity to boiling water. Someday the world will thank you for this skill. Until then, you must keep training.

Long showers are one of the few things you enjoy in life. That's okay.


– Ian "Salmon Season" Golding (@iggolding)

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

Copyright ©2016 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.