From their charming habit of knocking on your door at all hours of the goddamn day to their colorful "Watchtower" publication full of pastoral scenes depicting lions and sheep picking apples together or whatever, the Jehovah's Witnesses are truly a force to be reckoned with. I'm not sure which is worse about these people and their freaky religion-cult: their belief that only 144,000 anointed born-again humans actually go on to heaven when they die (hopefully this number does not include Louis Anderson) or the fact that there are over five million of these parasitic folks spreading their message of self-promotion and violent, impending Armageddon across the globe.

One goon on the Something Awful forums was forced to come to terms with this terrifying virus of an organization when he received advance notice that they were en route to his home.

imsuxok?: My brother has informed me that Jehova's Witnesses are canvassing my street. They will probably arrive at my door within the next 10-15 minutes. Give me some suggestions for messing with their heads.

Today's Comedy Goldmine feature will consist of the responses that goons offered as means of dealing with this dire situation and some choice illustrations and photos to better examine the points that these fine folks might have been trying to make. This poor guy is lucky to have made it out of Jehova hell alive (because if he had died his soul would have been damned for all eternity whilst the chosen few frolicked in cotton fields with puppies and sharks and things).

Apriori:Get naked, or put on lingerie and answer the door.

The Human Crouton: Try to sell them something. Try to sell them your silverware of plates.

"How lucky that you came by just now. I am overstocked on plates and napkins and as a result, I have to pass the savings onto you!!!"

Basque:Tell them you're a Scientologist.

Silver: Hrm, when they knock, go to the door somewhat winded, and with a chubby. A little bit of white lotion on your right hand. Then be really friendly and try to shake their hands and stuff. It worked for a friend of mine 2 weeks or so ago, except it wasn't lotion he had on his hands, they busted him right in the middle of rubbing one out.

Bugaboo: Tell them that you're already a Jehovah's Witness.

impossible!: Grab a razor. When you swing open the door, with a wily look in your eye say, "Hey, you're just in time; we're just about the shave the goat! We've got some extra razors on the table and some liqour in the back. Come on in and join the party."

DasMung: Open the door, and stand on one leg, with your hands pressed against the side of your face. Offer no explanation for this. When you get bored, fall forward out the door onto them.

Retarded Pimp:Ask them if they can save all the hookers. When they say yes, say "Save one for me."

Vitriol: "Man, I'm sorry, but that wouldn't be ethical of me to be Jehovah's witness. I didn't see Jehovah's accident."

Tekwolf: Smear some flour or powered sugar around your face, and when you open the door, try to have a really glazed look in your eyes...(Works better if you actually look like a stoner)

Shinigami:Take off your shirt, open the door, and scream, "GGGAAAAAA..!RRRRBBBAAA...AAAGGGEEEE."

MrMan: Take a philosophical argument against dualism, theism, faith, etc and ask them about it. Here's an example:
"I understand that you're religion presents a dichotomy between the mind (or soul) and the body. Would you mind explaining to me how a non-physical object such as a soul, which does not exist in our "realm" so to speak, can manipulate and interact with our physical bodies?"

Orgophlax: Tell them you'll read their pamphlet as soon as they Pledge Allegiance.

squall_82: Invite them in for hot sex. It doesn't matter if they're female or male, they'll go away quickly.

ScreaminKing: Tell them you are already a Jehovah's Witness but you must cut things short because you're busy fucking your girlfriend.

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The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.

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