Russian women have cornered the market on bridal retailing for too long. It’s time for red-blooded American men to rise up and topple this communist vagina monopoly and bring fairness back to the marketplace.
Foreign women love American men, otherwise they wouldn’t be exporting themselves exclusively to the United States, but why should men be the ones spending all of the money? I have organized the first ever American Mail Order Husband catalog to tackle this trade deficit with the East. I only have a few eligible bachelors so far, but I’m sure as women recognize the quality of my product there will be an increase in demand. 
Ladies, these are quality gentlemen ready to fulfill your every need and desire. All they ask is a ticket to your country and a home to share with you. Other requests as noted.
header for the mail order husbands
bachelor number one

Allen Earnhardt Higgins [Email Allen]

Age: 37
Home: Deerwood, Michigan
Eyes: Sorta brown or yellow
Hair: All of it, brown on the head, not too long, short on the body and darker
Weight: 167lbs
Height: 5'10"
Marital Status: Divorced
Children: Three, but she got custody along with the house and my F150.
Occupation: Electrician by trade, working as a grocery technician during the dry spell that started in 2002.
Education: Got my GDE and have some college credits I earned at the JVS on auto repair and electrician stuff.
Interests: I like NCAA football and NASCAR, plus porno and doing it. My favorite beer is Keystone followed by MGD, but I will drink almost anything if it's cold and isn't the Beast. My favorite food is BBQ pizza and my favorite music is rock and roll like the Eagles and Credence.
About Myself: I am a handsome professional man with a full time job now that Hank put me on the schedule six days, so I got health insurance. Willing to move if you will pay for everything. I am told I am a really good kisser and that I am good with finger- banging. I am a really good driver and I still have got my couch set from the basement and my 52 inch projection TV after the divorce. It has a purple spot in the corner from a lightning strike but otherwise it's perfect and I got plenty of DVDs including some pornos.
About My Perfect Match: I'm looking for a chick who is hot, with big tits only her nipples and orioles ain't too big and are kinda pinkish. She's gotta have a flat stomach and a nice ass. She loves doing it all the time and she is really good at blow jobs and cooking. She will give me a blow job while I am doing anything even taking a crap. Definitely can't nag or complain too much. Will shut up and let me drive when I'm trying to drive and trusts me to know the way. Doesn't want kids. Her favorite position in sex should be with her on top and she has to like doing it in front of a mirror or on a video camera so I can see her butthole when she's going up and down on my rod. It's good if she's fixed so she can't have kids, although I will get a ballectomy or what have you but I don't really want no doctor messing in my junk. Buy me.
NO HEAD GAMES
bachelor number two

Maelethus Moonbeam [Email Maelethus]

Age: 51
Home: Merit, Oregon
Eyes: I am told my eyes are very soulful
Hair: Gray with a lot of character
Weight: 165lbs
Height: 5'4"
Marital Status: Single
Children: I have no children but I do have a golden Pomeranian named KC who is just the most darling baby boy in the whole world.
Occupation: I teach 8th grade pre-algebra.
Education: I have a bachelor's degree in education and I have an associate's degree in medical ballectomies.
Interests: I love long hikes in the woods, camping out and generally just being a nature lover. I love my dog, KC, and I am always sure to TiVo Myth Busters. I am also a 9th circle wizard of the Golden Order of Thoth and I practice both light and dark magic.
About Myself: I am a very gentle and friendly person, very outgoing. I have a lot of friends and will always lend a hand. I have the lower body of a goat and the phallus of a bull, I lactate from my eight nipples, and I can see heartbeats in the dark as glowing red embers. I have eaten a live human baby before but only when it was offered to me. I love Myth Busters and flesh-shattering anal sex with virgin brides, of which I have ten thousand. Maybe you will be my special bride…
About My Perfect Match: My perfect match is a beautiful golden-haired naïf aged 12-20. She will have big innocent blue eyes and be capable of accommodating a 44" penis into her rectum. She doesn't have kids but she wants a child, even if it means coupling with jackals beneath a blood moon as I and the brothers of the inner circle chant praises to Baphomet. Doesn't play head games.
bachelor number three

RONALd [Email RONALd]

Age: 999999
Home: UHTA
Eyes: BLON
Hair: DE
Weight: 999999lbs
Height: 9999999'
Marital Status: im arried byut dont let that gt in the way of a good time with me baby im a stallion ill make you jizzum all oever
Children: thre e ungarateful little shtis i hope they rot in hll iwth marlena
Occupation: I'm alwayer so i know about the slaws on stuff like thsi
Education: doctorates everwyher I went to HARVARD mthfckers BEAT THTA
Interests: Yuo wanna cum 2 utah I'll let you rdie the ronalldvcaster we can have drinks athe ariprort bar and smkoe cigars until ur big huge tist fall off BB! wooooo
About Myself: patent atroney w/ a huge CO c
About My Perfect Match: u no yho want sume of em! let me jst grb you bb and likc all over u I gratutated cum laued hahahaha like u r gonna we can lite a rreefr w/ 100 dollar bils like rapers. Put on a cd and just let u grnd on me i luv u bb let me cum on ur sheos fcuk head games
bachelor number four

Louis Hanson Jr. [Email Louis]

Age: 28
Home: The Heartland of America, Youngstown, Ohio
Eyes: Sapphire
Hair: Ebony
Weight: 138lbs
Height: 5'3"
Marital Status: I am single but searching for that special love.
Children: We are all children of Aphrodite.
Occupation: Full time lover/part time dental assistant.
Education: I have spent the last four years in an exhaustive exploration of female pleasure zones.
Interests: Imagine in the mind's eye: you come home from work to find a trail of rose petals leading you to your bedroom. I have lit several vanilla-scented candles and placed them along the way to seduce you with their sweet smells. In the bedroom you will find me, very nude, with my chocolate-covered fingertips drawing gentle brown circles around my nipples. I beckon you over with one finger and from there…ecstasy…
About Myself: I am the most giving lover you will ever meet. I will touch every centimeter of your body with my fingertips, then touch it with my tongue, then again with the fingertips. I will caress your soul with my hands and your breasts with my lips. Your butt is like a work of art to my eyes, your eyes like perfect tiny butts in your face. My penis is amazing, it will rock you gently like a baby in a sex crib. It will rock your vagina and uterus deeply like a bathysphere and rock very hard like AC/DC. You will experience what I like to call 1000 orgasms. It will only be one orgasm but it will be so intense that it will count for 1000.
About My Perfect Match: My perfect match is a beautiful woman who doesn't mind if I quit my job and move in immediately, doesn't mind if I play Xbox all the time and she won't nag. I am a cheap date. No head games.
bachelor number nine

Timberley Torrence [Email Timberley]

Age: 61
Home: Oshkosh, Indiana
Eyes: Twinkling and blue.
Hair: Gray and a little less than I used to have.
Weight: 235lbs
Height: 5’8”
Marital Status: I lost Heloise to dadgum breast cancer, but I’m movin’ on.
Children: Three beautiful children and two beautiful grandchildren, but I’m always up for more!
Occupation: Retired autoworker, I also carve and sell wooden ducks on ebay.
Education: Just finished my two-year degree in HAM radio repair! I always say it’s never too late to learn.
Interests: My pride and joy is my model train collection, so I would love for you to have a look at that. I have over a thousand scale miles of track and some of the most collectible engines. My favorite thing in the whole world would be to have a woman stand on me and pee. I have never done that before and I reckon I would like it. Maybe if she spit on my face and stood on my throat so I choked out. We could do it in the basement and you can watch the trains.
About Myself: I am not a rich man and I am not a poor man. I’m a little hefty around the middle and I’ve got some hypertension, but other than that I’m in good shape. I think when women look at me they feel very excited and would want to pee and spit on a man like me. That would be the sensible thing. I own a pickup truck and Heloise had a Lincoln Continental that her father bought her. Would you like that car? I think you would. I would make a good husband for you to buy. I bring two cars and I am a toilet for your filth, make it on me.
About My Perfect Match: My perfect woman is very pretty, much younger than me and either Asian or Hispanic. I knew a girl from Nicaragua and she spit on me, but she wouldn’t be my wife. You have to get along with my grandchildren. They mean the world to me. I will build a little room in my basement and I will watch you through a hole while you make toilet things. Break a bottle on my face and call me a worm. I want to die in your pee. Bleed on me, I don’t care what, use me like an ashtray or an umbrella stand. I want a pretty lady to buy me like a slave and treat me like a sawhorse in her woodshop. Just, please, no head games.
bachelor number six

THA SCOTT WEILER [Email THA]

Age: 31
Home: OAKLAND CA BABY
Eyes: BROWN
Hair: BROWN
Weight: 264 ALL MUSCLE FEEL THIS PYTHON
Height: 6 FOOT
Marital Status: SINGLE
Children: RIGHT! MAYBE WHEN IM DEAD!
Occupation: BODY BUILDER MARKETER AND ENTROPENURE
Education: I GRADUATED HIGH SCHOOL AND HAVE A BACHELORES DEGREE IN BUSINESS MANAGEMENT
Interests: HMM WELL I HAVE A LOT OF INTERESTS. I AM AN EXCELLENT KARATE FIGHTER. I RUN A NATURAL SUPPLEMENTS BUSINESS AND I AM ALWAYS SCULPTING MY PHYSQUE. I LOVE HIP HOP MUSIC AND SALSA DANCING. I LIKE TO COOK EGGS AND LOW CARB FOOD. I AM ALWAYS DOWN TO GET DIRTY ARE YOU DOWN TO GET DIRTY? I WILL LET YOU WORSHIP AT THIS ALTAR!
About Myself: ONE PERCENT BODYFAT. I CAN DO 500 REPS AT 800LBS ON THE LEG MACHINE AND I CAN DO 75 REPS BENCHING 400. I AM THREE TIMES MISTER OAKLAND AND RUNNER UP MISTER UNIVERSE. I HAVE A FULL FIVE MINUTE FLEX ROUTINE I DO TO A ZZ TOP MEDLEY. I CAN BREAK A CHAIR IN MY HAND. MY ASS IS AMAZING GIRL YOU WILL NEVER SEE AN ASS LIKE THIS ON ANYONE ELSE ITS LIKE MERLINS ASS.
About My Perfect Match: GIRL IF YOU ARE FINE AS HELL I WILL LICK YOU UP AND DOWN LIKE A BULKPOP, WHICH I MAKE AND SELL. THESE ARE MADE FROM BENTHIC PROTEIN, CHICKEN PITUITARY GLANDS, STRAWBERRIES AND AZTEC MINERALS. GIRL YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO GET WITH THA SCOTTWEILER. MY DREAM GIRL IS FINE AS HELL WITH A BODYFAT LESS THAN 2% UNLESS SHE HAS HUGE TITS THEN UP TO 3.3%. SHE ALSO HAS ENOUGH CREDIT TO HELP ME PAY DOWN MY DEBT AT GNC WHICH IS SIX DIGITS AS OF TUESDAY. BUY ME BABY I WILL BE THE BEST! NO HEADGAMES BABY. PEACE! 
bachelor number seven

Victory Whitcomb [Email Victory]

Age: 89
Home: Autumn Pines Retirement Community, New Jersey
Eyes: Rheumy
Hair: Hoary
Weight: 144lbs after dialysis, 146 before
Height: 6’ 1”
Marital Status: Triple widower, but they were all harlots so don’t you mind
Children: Nearly fifteen ungrateful whelps counting grandkids. All of them are vermin.
Occupation: I make microchips for NASA, what do you think you morons?
Education: When I was growing up the school only went to the fifth grade and then it was off to college for me at the marine corps where the Japs taught me how to shit myself at the sight of a beach.
Interests: I will move anywhere to be with you. I will move to the bottom of a septic tank or to the top of a pole in the Himalayas. Just get me out of this retirement home. They feed us oatmeal four times a day, so I guess you could say that’s my number one interest. You know how many chairs there are in the activity center? Four, counting Earl Iverson and he is in a wheelchair and he died in the corner three weeks ago. We have to stand and the only channel the TV gets is a Spanish language religious channel.
About Myself: I don’t eat much, I can fold up into a big suitcase, and as long as you don’t get your nose down by my colostomy bag I really don’t smell too bad. If you want to hear rambling stories then I’m your man. If you want to be left to yourself then just sit me in a corner and I will yell and call the wall a communist. I don’t know if I can still achieve an erection seeing how my heart beats about once every nine or ten minutes, but I will do my best with rubber bands and ropes if I have to. Please, get me out of here!
About My Perfect Match: Any woman who can get me the hell out of here as long as she doesn’t fall under my “rule of triple no”. No Jews, no blacks, no problems and no head games.
bachelor number twelve

Tari’q the Mesmerist [Email Tari'q]

Age: ???
Home: Mystical Arkansas
Eyes: One
Hair: Expert Beard
Weight: 175lbs
Height: 5’ 5”
Marital Status: Marriage is things for others.
Children: I do not speak of this.
Occupation: Mesmerist, The
Education: I studied mesmerism from Herik the Spiral-Eyed of Budapest, conjured djinn with sheikh Kitslav of Essex and I learned of the zom-bie potions of voodoo priests in suburban Detroit.
Interests: It is not magic this thing I do it is the awakening of the mind and inner self. I am going to play a tape for you and you are going to be able to see ghosts. Do you believe me now? This is ghost. Here it is. Ghost.
About Myself: My power levels are greater than ever before. I am able to control all things astral and metaphysical. I am able to determine a bat’s sex by smell. I can look through the eyes of a baby whenever I choose. Lightning? That is parlor tricks. Ice lightning is that which I wield to the unholy terror of criminals. I am very serene as long as you do not anger me.
About My Perfect Match: You are susceptible to suggestion, entrancement, willing to subvert your will to the sound of my voice. You enjoy the implantation of unconscious triggers, key phrases and behaviors. I will place you into a trance and learn of your deepest and darkest secret. When I ring the bell you will believe yourself to be flying. I wish to get on the inside of your head, but I will not tolerate head games. Pthhhh! I spit on them!  
If you have any questions or concerns about my product, feel free to email me. I will be more than happy to check our stockrooms for merchandise that meets your specifications.

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)

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