This article is part of the Dear Mr. Mayor series.

Mr. Mayor,

I'm at my wit's end dealing with these disrespectful Clawmen. In the past hour alone I've witnessed a Clawman clawing down a power line, a mailbox, and several cars driving down Alpine St. Nobody is out stopping it, not the police, not the fire department, and not even the boys from the electric company.

My own son has incurred a Debt of Claw from a Clawman, and it's only a matter of time before it comes to collect. If you don't think the Clawman invasion is having an impact on the community or commerce, you're kidding yourself, bucko.

I'm having to drive to nearby Welpsburg just to get my groceries, because the Clawmen clawed all our grocery stores to pieces, along with all the food inside.

Do I need to remind you that I'm a VOTER?? DO SOMETHING!! I am a tax payer and I don't deserve this.

George Handlebrother


ATTN: Mayor,

There is nothing more degrading than getting caught in the grasp of a Clawman's horrible metallic pincer claws, which have the unique ability to tear through any earthly material. That is how I lost my arm and my ability to fire a gun. I am no longer able to protect my family or the Constitution of this great land.

I want to know what you plan to do for citizens like me and how you intend to put an end to the Clawman rampage, which, as of today, has left much of the town in ruins.

Eagerly awaiting your response,

Rick Loyal


Mayor,

We've got a major crisis brewing here in town. I know you've got your hands full working on important civic issues like the expansion of sidewalks on Water Tower Road, but there's a serious matter that requires your immediate attention: murderous Clawmen are pouring out of a large fissure in the town square and attacking everything in sight.

These Clawmen are made of a metal not from this world, and have the ability to claw through any material that appears in front of them.

As we all know, the Clawman heart pumps for one purpose only: to supply blood to its cruel, merciless claws. And simply clawing things in half isn't enough for them. They have to meticulously claw and squeeze until there is nothing left but dust.

Without prompt action, our town may not survive. Please address this matter as soon as possible.

Thank you,

Angela Chambers,
a concerned citizen


WHAT DID YOU DO?

I don't know how you offended the Clawman King, but you better sacrifice yourself before he takes the whole town out as part of your Debt of Claw. Don't you know how these guys operate? We should never have let you go to that big city mayor's conference, because you've brought back all their big city problems like Clawmen, who are so hell-bent on clawing everything in sight they can't be reasoned with.

No thank you, mayor.

Carl Menendez


I was going to congratulate you on finally getting the stray cat problem under control, but I guess I should be thanking the Clawman King instead. While I'm at it, maybe I should thank him for finally doing something about the lack of curbside parking on Franklin St, since all the cars there are now piles of metal dust.

And I bet the Clawman King would just claw through the idea of raising taxes. He's got my vote. You don't. Shape up or ship out.

Pete Loam

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Lair Flair!

    Lair Flair!

    Your lair. Maybe you lure victims to it, maybe you hide in it between killings, or maybe you haunt it 24/7 because you’re tragically confined by a curse. Whatever the situation, for most of us monsters, a living/un-living space is an important part of our identities. In this column, Monstergeddon award winners share their lair tips and techniques!

  • SkyMall Product Review: Bark Deterring Ultrasonic Collar

    SkyMall Product Review: Bark Deterring Ultrasonic Collar

    Works great on my child, who hasn't barked at all for as long as she's worn the apparatus. When she turns three, we will remove it for a trial period.

About this series

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.