With summer rapidly dying before our very eyes, we have no choice but to embrace the coming of autumn. Because of this senseless death, it becomes necessary for us to dispense with our comfortable summer attire and cloak ourselves in the garments of fall! Things are no different in the Mushroom Kingdom, where our good friend Mario must update his wardrobe in order to keep up with not just the changing seasons, but also the latest threats to his homeland security. One can never be too careful these days, because there is no true safe haven. We all know the old saying, "Danger is like a blimp, nubile and Rubenesque, and always looming overhead." Actually, that's not really an old saying, but nonetheless, it is key to understanding the nature of danger. Oh, and blimps as well. God bless those sultry sirens of the sky!
Thanks to some friends of mine at the Nintendo organization, a company you might have heard about on the television or the radio, I was able to procure a sampling of some of Mario's upcoming power-up enabled outfits. Like our last look at Mushroom Kingdom fashion, it appears that tradition is a thing of the past. Bust out your warp whistles, because you're going to want to do some whistling once you see these hot outfits.
When the Princess gets killed in a bloody war, Mario does everything he can to save her, including warping through time. Unfortunately, with time travel being so unreliable for humans, he can only create a cyborg duplicate of himself and trust that it gets the job done. But how? THROUGH TIME TRAVEL! Oops, sorry. I already mentioned that. TIME TRAVEL!!! Anyhoo, all joshing aside, this relentless cyborg killing machine is sure to make short work of any enemy, from nefarious turtle to dastardly goomba.
Tactical Advantage: sports a wide assortment of firearms and explosives, incredible strength and accuracy, and a singular focus on duty. Sadly, Cyborg Mario cannot experience love or swim without short-circuiting.
Tommy Lee Jones Mario
Mario has often dreamed about knowing no limits, about not being afraid to pursue his enemies to the ends of the world and put a stop to them once and for all. Actor Tommy Lee Jones is known for playing characters like that. Not surprisingly, Mario is not afraid to emulate his favorite actor and engage in relentless manhunts for enemies such as King Koopa. Unfortunately, just like Tommy Lee Jones does in every other movie, Tommy Lee Jones Mario ends up chasing the wrong man! Still, the thrill of the hunt is a lot of fun, and Mario is quite accustomed to disappointing pursuits. How many castles has he stormed only to find out his fair princess was elsewhere?
Tactical Advantage: while being turned into Tommy Lee Jones can be considered somewhat of a disadvantage in that it sends you chasing down the wrong paths, it does ensure that you will at least be extensive about it. No castle, warp pipe, mushroom house, or beanstalk will be left unturned in the quest for justice.
Some problems call for incredibly unique solutions while other problems call for you to turn yourself inside out and handle things from an intensely extroverted viewpoint. After consuming a rare variety of inverted mushroom, Mario is able to literally spit himself out. The result is a disturbingly naked creature of raw muscle, bone, and organ running around raising hell for those who consider wrongdoing to be an acceptable practice. Who can argue with the morals of a man unafraid to show his inner character in such a primal way? Certainly not a turtle that throws hammers at innocent civilians.
Tactical Advantage: aside from sickening his enemies, turning inside out generally causes Mario to die in a matter of minutes from blood loss and exposure to germs and other foreign elements.
Consumer Advocate Mario
To combat threats and injustices facing the consumers of the Mushroom Kingdom, Mario jumps into action as a civil defender. Consumer Advocate Mario is prepared to write lengthy books critiquing the poor safety record of the Mario Kart, its lack of seat belts and tendency to explode and overturn, not to mention the lack of public good laws. Even gorillas and women are allowed to drive in the Mushroom Kingdom, a clear indication the laws are out of control. Going even further, Consumer Advocate Mario protests the innumerable unguarded pitfalls spread through the lands, the dangerous fireball traps and pointless cannons that constantly shoot at citizens and heroes alike. What about the war on drugs? Consumer Advocate Mario will decriminalize mushrooms and other substances, instead choosing to treat drug addiction as a health problem and not a costly war. In addition, Consumer Advocate Mario won't hesitate to stand up for his brothers in the plumbing union, knowing full well that only through unity can workers triumph.
Tactical Advantage: Mario gains added respect and appreciation from the Mushroom Kingdom public for making life safer. Unfortunately, this is not enough appreciation to translate into a career in politics should he decide to take that proverbial career warp pipe.
Upon examination, I sure am glad I don't play any Nintendo games or even own a Nintendo of any sort. Those people are all goddamn nuts.
Greasnin Goes Wild
Hello world, this is Ben "Greasnin" Platt here with a review of one of the most vile, detestable, family-friendly films the world has ever known. It's name is "Pocket Ninjas," and I hate it very, very much.
"Pocket Ninjas" opens with a silhouetted karate instructor going through various standard "look at me, I've been granted serenity through martial arts" moves, as a karate class made up of people who clearly weren't even bribed well enough to bother pretending they knew what they were doing practices the same blocking technique over and over again. My own personal studies in martial arts have been limited at best, but even I can tell that those blocks would be about as effective at stopping an incoming attack as shielding yourself with wet spaghetti. A Wonder Years-style narrator spews a load of crap about the best memories of youth. It is never adequately explained just which character this voice over is supposed to represent. My money's on Steve, the movie's token fat little bastard, but it could also be Damien, who is supposed to be the movie's central character despite appearing in fewer scenes than the rest of the kids. Talking about unforgettable moments, the narrator speaks of "Your first kiss... your first love... of course, there's always the first time you save the universe!" Let me make this clear right here and now: at no point in this movie is the universe ever in danger. All problems faced in this movie are on a strictly local scale. Don't let Dave Eddy, that unscrupulous shit, or anyone else tell you otherwise.
This movie broke something in my brain. Read the review to find out what!
"Really, Holmes!" I dropped into my seat, shocked. "You are remarkably tall! What are you, six foot six? Six foot eight?"
As the 19th century diver approaches a giant clam, a flash of brilliant golden light flares from within the shell. I emerge in a swirl of bubbles and do the timeless universal underwater hand signals for the following: ZODIAC KILLER, KKK, BLOOD OF YOUTH
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