I have long ignored the claims of pro-censorship dickshits that things like movies, TV, and especially videogames have the power to transform otherwise well-adjusted teens into murderous sociopaths obsessed with emulating the kill gorges of their favorite videogame. After all, I grew up playing videogames and so far Cook County District Attorney Matt Waters has only been able to link me to three spree killings and a plot to release Sarin gas in the ventilation system at Electronic Arts. I assumed that since I obviously wasn't crazy these videogames couldn't possibly be transforming decent boys and girls into turtle stomping blood-lovers. Unfortunately, the world has once again proven another of my theories wrong.

According to the Associated Press a Florida man was recently arrested for hiring a trio of teenagers to help him beat some girl almost literally into a pulp because she took his Xbox. What makes this story even more notable is that somewhere between beating her to death and getting back the Xbox they decided to beat five other people to death. There is some convoluted tale about squatters and going to jail for feeding Gremlins after midnight or something, but what it boils down to is that once again videogames have killed people. This case in particular demonstrates that fact because not only were the killings no doubt inspired by a cutting edge abomination like Doom or Mike Ditka Power Football, they also demonstrated that to many troubled people videogames are more important than another human life.

Once I had made that incredible leap from a disbeliever to a believer I knew that I had to do something about this plague on modern society. I lacked the financial resources and the political power to destroy the videogame industry, so that was pretty much out of the question. What I did have was a small grassroots organization I created called "Save a Gamer" that I could use to help the people who needed help the most; the brainwashed victims of the Liberal Jew entertainment industry.

My first step was to create a means through which myself and the other members of Save a Gamer could identify potential threats to public safety. I needed a way to find ticking time bombs like the Columbine shooters or that guy from "Diff'rent Strokes" who ate an old woman BEFORE they resorted to violence. I burned the midnight oil at the Save a Gamer HQ and with a little coffee and a lot of praying I came up with a number of danger signs that one of your friends or loved ones might be on the brink of a videogame inspired murder spree.

1. Has Posters For Video Games Up in Room/Apartment

Seeing posters up in someone's house or apartment for anything other than bikini models, cars, or gangster movies should make you immediately suspicious. If you actually see posters for videogames then this is a certain tip-off that your friend or loved one may be teetering on the brink of a homicidal rampage. It is important to note that this applies only to males as girls neither play videogames nor do they murder people.

Bikini model or black idol for the cult of the psychopathic skull-lover?2. Likes Marilyn Manson

If the person admits to liking Marilyn Manson then they almost certainly harbor murderous intent. In fact, if they like Marilyn Monroe this should be sufficient to raise concerns. Go ahead and include M&Ms and especially Marshall Mathers (AKA Eminem) who counts for double.

3. Owns a Large Number of Weapons

This warning sign can be a bit tricky because dozens of law-abiding citizens own weapons. Everything from crossbows to sniper rifles can be put to use by your average hobbyist allowing them to do whatever people do when they collect a large number of weapons as a hobby. Maybe build model railroads that fire train cars out of a shotgun or something, I don't pretend to know. However, if you notice your friend or loved one collecting a large number of weapons that you have seen while monitoring their videogame usage then you need to be doubly careful. Some examples of these would be; giant swords, chain guns, SCUD storms, Triforces, wooden beer barrels, red key cards, power pellets, salt and pepper shakers, gun pods that orbit around them shooting whenever they shoot, and Pokemon.

4. Watches and Enjoys Japanimation

Some kids today have been so desensitized by videogames that they not only tolerate but actively enjoy watching Japanese cartoons or "Japanimation". Usually watching Japanese cartoons is a sign that your friend or loved one is contemplating sexual violence as opposed to murder. Recent statistics released by the Lord's First Church of Jesus Science and Cultural Meddling indicate that fully 95% of the audience for "Japanimation" will rape someone in the next year. Further studies demonstrate that this is because they have "empirically stepped out of the Light of Christ".

5. Miscellaneous Other Warning Signs

There can be dozens of signs that your friend or loved one is on the verge of turning towards violence because of a video game addiction. A few of these additional signs can be:

  • Comes home from LAN games with bloody knuckles.
  • Insists on calling regular claw hammer "Mjolnir, the Great Hammer of Thor".
  • Uses instant messaging clients other than AOL Instant Messenger.
  • Keeps a notebook containing short stories about Sonic the Hedgehog vivisecting classmates.
  • When running laps in PE asks to bring a keyboard so they can hold down shift.
  • Whenever they stub their toe negative numbers float out of their head.
  • Attends a meeting at the office and asks what button skips the briefing.
  • Probably has a computer with a case mod. If they do not own a computer then they have an Xbox with a case mod or some imported shitball Gamecube.
  • Has probably written an FAQ for an obscure Japanese RPG that has a fan-translation patch for the ROM.
Don't limit yourself to just these warning signs. Danger can sometimes come from those you least suspect of being addicted and twisted by the foul temptress of gaming.

Having codified many of the warning signs of a "dangerous gamer" I decided to do my part for the betterment of society. I identified a "dangerous gamer" living in Portland, Oregon by the name of Joel Hampton. Joel's background is not particularly important to this article, but let's just say he worked on the low end of the IT spectrum and his life revolved around computers at home. I shouldn't even have to add that he was single.

With the help of my Save a Gamer squad we trailed Joel on his way to work and waited for him in the parking garage in our unmarked cargo van. When he emerged at the end of the day, myself and two other members of the Save a Gamer squad leapt from the back of the van wearing ski-masks and tackled Joel. Leanne quick-cuffed him with tie strips while I held him down and Rodrigo put a canvas bag over his head. Then it was off we went to the Save a Gamer Aversion Therapy Center.

Hate-inspiring kill-culture totem.Day 1

Joel was confined to his bedroom. The room contained a bed, a TV, and a Playstation 2 game console with the hyper-violent Japanese slaughter game Magic Pengel. Joel was a bit unwilling to do anything other than pound on the locked door and scream for help so he had to be sedated with sleeping gas.

Day 2

At the beginning of Day 2 Joel awoke, fully bathed while he was unconscious, and somewhat groggily consumed breakfast. He watched some TV, although he seemed disinterested possibly because we had allowed him only closed-circuit access to three channels of religious programming and the All Christmas Network. After roughly half an hour of this he turned on the Playstation 2 and began to play Magic Pengel. Rodrigo burst out of the closet and beat Joel about the face and neck with a wet rope before exiting the room and re-locking it. Joel cried and then lay catatonic on the bed until he fell asleep.

Tombstone for the death of common decency.Day 3

During Joel's night of sleep I snuck into his room and replaced his PS2 with a Gamecube and a copy of the baby-killing simulator Animal Crossing. When he awoke the next afternoon (too much sleeping gas) he was apprehensive about approaching the new console. Finally, after pacing and watching three hours of religious programming, Joel gave in to his addiction. No sooner had he hit the power button than the locked door to his room flew open and Leanne and I hit him with the high-pressure hose. While he was pinned up against the wall Rodrigo once again burst out of the closet and began beating him with a sack full of oranges. After several minutes of this Joel grew violent, probably because of his video game addiction, and had to be sedated once again with sleeping gas. Thankfully we had all taken the precaution of wearing gas masks.

Day 4

While Joel was unconscious Rodrigo mopped up the water and I carefully replaced the Gamecube with an Xbox console. While the Xbox is widely regarded as the "kiddie console" (a real misnomer since even playing games on your cellular telephone can destroy your sanity) I did manage to track down a copy of the rape simulator Tetris Worlds. When Joel finally came to he decided not to touch the Xbox console at all that day. It seemed the aversion therapy was paying dividends already!

Day 5

During the night Leanne fell asleep while on monitor watch detail and somehow Joel turned on the Xbox without triggering the scramble alarm in the closet. Rodrigo slept peacefully in his hammock and I arrived the next morning to find Joel happily playing his little rape-fantasy game. I knew that to make gold out of the shit the situation had become I would have to ramp up the aversion therapy. I gathered a brace of police dogs from the kennel and kicked in the door to Joel's room.

To make a long story short, somehow the dogs broke free of their leashes and attacked Joel, biting off all but one of his fingers as well as his nose and one ear. The good news is that while Joel was maimed for life and the aversion therapy failed just as it was starting to work Joel also cannot play videogames anymore because of his crippling injury. I am also required as part of my state mandated sentence to explain that this whole process was an incredibly terrible idea and that you should not attempt to emulate it.

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Meditations from a Movable Weiner

    Meditations from a Movable Weiner

    Sometimes I dream that I'm sitting in the back of the defunct Weinermobile as it careens driverless down the highway. At first I thought this was symbolic of the powerlessness I feel in life, but then I realized it's actually the Weinermobile's dream of being able to drive again.

  • BarkWire.com Dog Reviews: The Barquis de Sade & Cleaver

    BarkWire.com Dog Reviews: The Barquis de Sade & Cleaver

    Three years ago, when we were burying my uncle, Cleaver and some gross lady dog (Solstice???) showed up at the cemetery and starting going at it really loudly. It ruined everything and we had to have a "re-do" the next day and it cost a fortune. I've hated him ever since for that.

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.