Lifespan: 25 to 30 years
Average weight: 350 to 800 pounds
Area found: Central and South America as well as in Southeast Asia
Smell: Bold, like a bloated corpse rotting in the jungle heat.
Tapirs are wonderful, gentle creatures that are soft, sweet, and full of meat. I wanted to dedicate today’s update to tapir because a lot of people are ignorant of this magnificent and noble creature from the wild kingdom. I also wanted to raise awareness that these amazing animals are in perilous danger due to the unchecked growth of human populations in their habitat. I know you are probably thinking “Hey Frolixo, you jerk! This is supposed to be a comedy website, not your personal forum to discuss zoological oddities. I want my money back!” Well first of all, this website content is free of charge so no money will be returned to disgruntled readers seeking a refund. Second of all, don’t you think sometimes you need to put away the jokes, riddles, and horseplay when you have an opportunity to make a difference for the better in the world? So shut your filthy pie holes, and please join me on this wonderful journey of enlightenment as we learn about one of the world’s most splendid of all creatures, the tapir!
The natives call the tapir “Mocho Muno” when translated means “horse with downs”. Indeed the tapir’s closest relatives are the horse and the rhino. One tribe in South America believe that the tapir was a result of a curse by and evil Incan wizard who, when angered by a tribe that refused to pay him tribute, took all of their pigs and horses and shot a magic fireball at them, resulting in a strange looking creature that is the tapir. Of course this is not the case because natives are stupid, but the beast's strange looks do attract a lot fear and distrust from people. The number one cause of death to tapirs are boat propellers, usually from uncaring individuals that get drunk on boats and aim for the poor tapirs taking a bath, splashing water to and fro with their elongated nose. People who don't know about the pure heart and tenderness of these wonderful animals are much more apt to kill a tapir on sight, like my uncle who has killed 8 tapirs in the last month on his bourbon-fueled boating hootanannies. We need to learn about the tapir, and share the knowledge with friends.
Tapir Tip: In the movie 2001: A Space Odyssey, the bone thrown into the air that turns into a spaceship is a tapir bone.
Tapirs love bananas. They love to romp in the jungle all day long, eating bananas and chasing small children into the river where they are swept away to a great waterfall and onto the jagged rocks below. Sometimes tapirs get together in large packs and have a rumble with another group of tapirs on the other side of the river. Their nose can move in all directions, smelling all around them, or themselves to see if they are stinky enough to attract a mate. The back straps and ribs of the tapir are their most tasty portions when BBQ'd correctly. They are very difficult to catch because of their sense of smell and tough, thick skin, but are most commonly captured and killed with a net and a spear. If you get a good spear thrust in one of their lungs, it is wise to let them go and follow their blood trail back to their nest, so you can gather up the young and deep fry them for a taste sensation. Is there anything tapirs can't do?
Tapir Tip: Tapirs have 4 toes on each front foot, and 3 on each back foot.
The tapir has remained mostly unchanged for the past 20 million years. It has proven to be fully adaptable to its habitat, well-suited to survive in harsh climates with their tough hide and wily brain. A few scientists say that the tapir is smarter than the cat, dog, or even the chimp. Admittedly, those scientists happen to be tapirs, so this new theory is not without its critics claiming favoritism. Tapirs love to swim, and can reach speeds up to 50 MPH if chased by a shark or boat. Actually, the tapir's natural enemy is the elephant seal, and major battles over territory occur when a male tapir tries to mate with the mother of a bull elephant seal. Tapirs are very sexual creatures, and have been even called by one noted researcher "total sluts". Indeed the tapir is very "loose" when it comes to mating, and more than one native of the jungle has stumbled upon a tapir orgy of such debauchery and basic animalistic sensuality, that they usually get a boner and flee the scene in a mixture of horror and arousal.
This beast is truly magical and we should all appreciate the sacrifices the tapirs make to ensure our freedom in this country. I took the time out of my busy schedule of shooting my BB gun at neighborhood children to spend 2 minutes composing a poem about our friend, the tapir. It goes a little something like this:
lets go on a caper
of whimsy and magic
a beast that is tragic
oh tapir, horsey with downs
oh tapir, looking like clowns
you are true to my heart
we shall never part
you give me the vapors
I love you so
you make me happy when I'm feeling low
Thank you. I do parties and Bar Mitzvahs.
I would now like to share my firsthand experience with a tapir with you. The year was 1986, the summer of love. I was just a young lad in Munich, working at my papa's pretzel house until grammar school started up again. Wearing fresh lederhosen and a feathered cap, I was a perky and bold youth, with a bright future laid out before me. Just then, a fire broke out in one of the pretzel ovens! I rushed to get the pretzel out, tossing it out of the oven towards the bucket of safety water. Alas, I missed the bucket, and the pretzel hit the curtain, causing the flame to spread up the wall and onto the ceiling! I was doomed, and as a burning timber fell on top of me I closed my eyes for what I thought would be the last time. Just then I heard a loud bleating, and smelled something pungent, like rotting eggs. It was a tapir, and he knocked the flaming log off me, picked me up in his mouth by the straps of my lederhosen, and carried me outside to safety! I was alive, and it was all thanks to a brave tapir. The creature then started to try to eat me alive, starting with my legs. Thankfully a feuerwehrmann came along and killed the tapir with an axe before it could gnaw through the bone. I still walk with a limp, but if it wasn't for that wonderful tapir, I wouldn't be here today with all of you wonderful people. Cheers to the tapir!
Tapir Tip: The Nazis used tapirs to guard Jewish prisoners in the second World War.
Before I can let you go on with your busy day of work, school, or masturbating if you're unemployed, I want to share a collection of interesting factoids that I've collected on the tapir. I think you will find it enjoyable or at least better than getting your wisdom teeth out.
Tapirs are hatched from giant eggs, and resemble giant slugs until they grow legs after 6 months.
Napoleon Bonaparte kept a tapir by his side during all of his military campaigns.
The milk from a tapir is extremely acidic, kind of like the alien blood from ‘Aliens’.
Josh "Livestock" Boruff is a tapir in real life.
If you are ever lost in the jungle, you can use a tapir as a compass because they can only walk towards the north.
Never get a tapir wet, expose it to sunlight, or feed it after midnight.
If you look a tapir straight in the eyes, it might try to mate with you. If this happens, then it's best to play dead and let it have its way with you.
The tapir is Atkins friendly.
Amazing! In celebration of this creature, and of all the great things we learned together today, I want to give back to the readers and hold a coloring contest. I know a lot of you out there are highly skilled with crayons, so I want to see a lot of submissions from you guys. Click this picture for the full size, and when you are finished, send it to my email HQ in the North Pole.
I will announce a winner of the "Something Awful Color a Tapir Internet Contest" next Saturday. The grand prize is a cash prize of $1.34 sent by Paypal, and the runners up get a custom poem written by yours truly. I hope you all had a lot of fun today, and learned a lot. So please remember to open your heart and let the tapir in. But not literally because that would probably kill you. Good day!
The Untitled Document: Nature’s Most Hated Serial Novel
Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons here to entertain and amuse once again with another chapter of "Untitled Document". Things are getting saucy once again in Chapter Twelve, which marks the return to the narrative of everyone's favorite lesbian secret world government ruler Raylene.
She allowed herself a few minutes to sift through jumbled memories of Tara. Flying air cover in Apaches over a downed alien probe vessel. Making love on the floor of Congress while it was closed thanks to a planted terrorist threat. Their incredible teamwork whenever they tortured the truth out of a suspected double agent.
Read it before all of the copies are sold out!
The first phase of The Olive Garden's cyber rollout will introduce their Neverending Pneumatic Pasta Tube. This works on the same principal as bank drive-thru deposit tubes, but with unfrozen linguini and spaghetti.
Do you remember the crazy clothes and hair of the 1990s? Do you remember Crystal Pepsi and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? Do you remember where you hid the box your mother gave you?
It's still okay to like Ben Stiller, guys.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.