A man feeding his baby with strap-on breasts is a common sight, but did you know this man would have to breastfeed his baby for three months to provide the nutrients found in just one burrito?I don't know about you guys but I could sure go for a burrito. I don't even have a good reason why, but that's the beauty of the burrito. It just is, man. It doesn't need a reason. It doesn't need the pomp and circumstance that surround spaghetti or pork chops. It is a meal for every man that transcends borders and cultures and locked doors and your screams for help.
Any time is the right time for a burrito, provided you live in the Eastern time zone. For everyone else, the right time is any time plus two hours. Have one as a breath freshener after drunkenly vomiting at your kids' birthday party, in celebration after your favorite athlete scores a goal or sexually assaults a woman, or as your last meal on death row! Make a time machine so you can have one with your great great grandfather, then attempt to make him rich by telling him last week's winning lottery numbers. Swim across the nearest ocean to eat one on foreign soil, realize you forgot the burrito and swim back, then just say "fuck it" and take up knitting. The burrito won't think any less of you, for it is compassionate beyond all comprehension. It knows you touch yourself at night and it doesn't judge you. In fact, it wants to join in.
We place so much importance on money today but there are some things money can't buy, like ground beef, cheese and tortillas, which just happen to be the main ingredients in a burrito. The burrito is the silent communion of the modern godless man. To eat a burrito is to save your soul. If you order one from Taco Bell, know that it has baked under a heat lamp all day for your sins. If you're a scientologist, order the nachos. They're pretty good too.
We are all taught in school that the first burrito was born to Raul and Julia Fernandez-Lopez, a humble and hard working couple. We are told that they named this firstborn child Clarence and cannibalized him as was the custom among Swedes in the 1990s. But if this is true and the burrito is only ten years old, how does the educational system explain this 15,000 B.C. Macedonian cave painting?
Furthermore, how can they explain this 12,000 B.C. cave painting found in Italy?
As you can see, the evidence is overwhelming. Whether our government admits it or not, the burrito has existed for thousands of years, influencing the world in a myriad of ways and shaping events toward an ultimate goal that remains unknown. It was Shakespeare's muse, making him realize that Romeo and Juliet would work better as a tragic love story than a "buddy comedy" about two tax collectors facing danger and adventure with only 2 days left until retirement. The burrito told Hitler to invade Australia, then thought better of it and convinced him Australia didn't exist. It was so persuasive in this argument that the continent is still absent from modern maps. When JFK was shot, it was there. Not in the grassy knoll with a rifle but in the back seat of the limo, desperately trying to hold the president's brains in place and shedding a single tear for the end of an era in which political figures could drive around in super sweet convertibles.
Sometimes I don't know whether I love my family or burritos more. How can someone be expected to make a decision such as that? They're both really great but if you put a gun to my head and made me decide, I'd probably duck really fast and try to knock you over with some crazy kung fu kick. Ever since I was a little kid I was an excellent ducker. My teachers would meet with my parents and shake their heads solemnly, saying things like, "He doesn't grasp even the most basic math concepts or how to hold a pencil and he frequently distracts the other children by being significantly uglier than them, but he sure can duck!" If they had replaced the Science Fair with the Ducking Fair I would have gotten first place, only when the principal went to put the medal around my neck I would have ducked and everyone would have laughed as the principal shrugged as if to say "what are you going to do?" I would have done pretty well at the Forgetting Which Bus Stop Is Yours Fair if that existed too, but ducking during that awards ceremony wouldn't have gotten the same amount of laughs.
Some people might think it's silly for me to ramble at such length about burritos, but you know what? People thought it was pretty silly when Uwe Boll announced he would legitimize movies based on video games by signing on to direct House of the Dead, Alone in the Dark, Bloodrayne, Hunter: The Reckoning, Far Cry, Tetris, and E.T. in rapid succession despite the fact that he had never made a good film. People thought Dan Marino would never win the Daytona 500. Two out of every three people thought RC Cola tasted better than its unnamed competitor. One time I didn't sleep for three days and I thought I was invisible. So there you have it.
Finally: an advice column for the rest of us! (Who seek to enslave humanity.)
A Goon outs himself as a wizard and gets a warm reception from the rogues/rangers/paladins gallery!
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