See all of that crap in the diagram right there? Don't let the vet fool you. Cats don't need any of that shit!The domestication of cats and dogs is similar to inviting a person over to your house and then punching them in the face the moment they enter the door. Over thousands and thousands of years we have domesticated dogs and cats and invited them into our homes. Yet in that vast amount of time we have done nothing to learn how to take care of these animals and figure out what makes them tick. Actually let me rephrase that. We do know how to take care of these animals but for some reason we disregard all of this information and continue to feed them sub par meals, fill their shit boxes with dangerous chemicals, and remove important parts of their bodies simply because we choose to be ignorant. If dogs really are "man's best friend" and cats really are an occasionally mobile piece of furniture, why don't we treat them that way? Why do we get cats if we're only going to feed them garbage? Ignorance. That's all. In today's update I am going to show you everything wrong with the way we take care of our pets and you're simply going to stop doing those things. The problem will be solved, I will feel great knowing I did something worthwhile, and I will go back to defecating in front of my neighbor's house and blaming it on their kids. Are we all on the same page here? Okay, let's begin.

The most horrific thing you can do to a cat is to get him or her declawed. Cats use their claws for many things. These include defense, scratching up furniture, scratching their balls, and keeping the scratching post industry alive. Declawing is illegal in 23 countries as of this writing including Germany, Japan, and Walt Disney World. Germany? They sent millions of Jews to the ovens and now they outlaw declawing. Can you imagine that? This must be some pretty heavy shit then huh? Unfortunately most people seem to think that when a cat gets declawed it is only their claws that are removed. Not so. You are actually removing what amounts to their fingers. The doctor usually uses a scalpel blade and clamps to perform the procedure. To avoid blood spurting everywhere a tourniquet is placed around the cat's leg and there are fairly high odds of it pinching the sciatic nerve. This can do irreparable nerve damage. But in these images this particular vet isn't even using a scalpel. This worthless cunt of a person cuts the cat's digits off with what are basically scissors. This is surgery? More like mutilation. Laser surgery is also commonly done but vets hate doing it and it isn't any less painful. Any animal hospital that performs this procedure should be ashamed of themselves. In fact, here are the facts about declawing according to the Laguna Hills Animal Hospital here in Southern California.

When cats are made to live with us in our homes this is a somewhat unnatural environment for them. However, considering coyotes, dogs, cars, disease or troublesome kids there is no doubt that keeping your cat indoors is definitely the smart thing to do. Given that, it makes good sense to help the cat live comfortably inside of the house and be an acceptable member of the family. This may mean declawing to prevent damage to the home or those living in it.

THIS IS THE FACE OF A KILLER.Cats sure are dangerous! They'll steal the breath from a baby and murder your children and drink the last of the milk and leave the empty carton in the refrigerator. In order to help the cat live comfortably inside of the house and be an acceptable member of the family we have to remove their fingers? So if your child keeps coloring on the walls with crayons do we chop off his fingers? Well, why not? It would certainly stop the problem wouldn't it? No, we don't do that because with discipline and patience children can be taught not to do things we don't want them to do. But I don't want to sit there with a spray bottle and squirt water at the cat every time he starts scratching the couch and buy a scratching post for the cat so it can do what nature intended the goddamn thing to do because the season premiere of American Idol is on tonight and it's only on for three hours and I really need to see it! You can read the rest of Laguna Hills Animal Hospital's fun facts about declawing yourself and hopefully your reaction is like mine, flatulence of outrage. However, the best reason to get your cat declawed, at least from the vet's perspective, is that it increases cash flow into the hospital.

Now that you have this wonderful picture of declawing let's read about a fun declawing story that will warm your heart and fill your soul with joy. Forum user Esthers posted a thread in our pet forum about his good friends that decided to get their cat declawed. Why did they decide to do such a thing you ask? Well, here it is.

The baby is due in early Februrary. Guido has grown to the size and strength of a bobcat, and has given himself quite the reputation for being a toughguy. He is the only cat I've met that I couldn't trim his nails. Their friends have been telling them that the cat is going to not mix well with the baby.
"Guido will feel threatened and attack the baby"
"He doesn't know the difference bewteen playing and fighting"
"Many cases of SIDS are caused by cats sleeping on babies...it happened to a coworker's sister"
"I heard cats can make infants get sick...".
After much debate, Corey and Jen decide to declaw the cat. "The baby just wouldn't be safe," they said.

What debate did they engage in that finally led them to base their decision on the rumors and urban legends that their friends spewed forth? Did hearsay and conjecture just sound too good to pass up? You know, I heard black cats give you bad luck. I heard that cats enjoy eating the flesh off of babies and then shitting in their brains. I heard that cats are the spawn of Satan and hate both Easter and Arbor Day. I heard that cats were responsible for 9-11. I mean, if I heard something from someone then it must be true! Well, you can probably figure out how the rest of the story goes, but let's press on anyway.

Corey took a day off work to take the cat to the pet hospital. He dropped Guido off with the vet, and was told to pick him up in 24 hours. The whole place gave Corey such bad vibes. The vet, who Corey described as "80 years old vet that only talked in whispers" especially gave Corey the creeps; so much so that Corey called Jen and told her he was having doubts about bringing the cat there. By now a few hours had passed, and it was probably too late.
The next morning was Friday, and the two went to pick up Guido. When they got there, they saw Guido hopping around on three legs. His forth--the front left leg, was hanging like a piece of meat.
"It looks like it might be swelling a bit down there. I'll need to see him on Monday to check up on that."

On a very special Boy Meets World Corey declaws his cat... For those of you just joining us let's recap the story so far. Corey and Jen get a cat. Corey knocks Jen up with his retarded sperm so they can both have a retarded baby. This does not bode well for the cat because their friends have heard that cats do not mix well with babies. And since Corey works at Pizza Hut and will never amount to anything in his life he and Jen decide to get the cat declawed. Now that they have decided to make the cat go through major surgery these two jerk offs pick the first vet they see without even researching the place or the surgery they are about to make their cat undergo! Surprise surprise the cat is fucked up when he comes out of the vet. WE DIDN'T SEE THIS ONE COMING! You know, if this is anything like how they are going to raise their child I feel bad for the kid. Someone call child protective services now. Please, before its too late. But that's not all folks.

By the time they got to the car, the swelling had doubled. By evening, there was pus. The next day they took him to a different veterarian, who said that the whoever declawed this cat had no idea what they were doing. The vet gave them a bag of syringes and a bunch of antibiotic to treat the wound. They've taken all the precautions recommended by the second vet...newpaper litterbox, using those ridiculous lampshade things so he can't lick his wound, Jen even sewed a little sock for his bum leg. By now the cat bills topped over $1100 for the week. (I should mention that combined, they have only about $3000 right now...and remind you that they are having a baby in a couple weeks.)

You know when the best time to have a baby is? When the combined net worth of you and your partner totals to about 3,000 dollars. I'd also recommend not having any ambition in life and making serious decisions based on a couple of things your moronic friends say they heard one day from their grandma. I would also recommend a garage, a short length of hose, and a running engine. These people are real winners. Let's continue.

You tell 'em kitty!So Corey called me tonight and said that the skin just fell off Guido leg. And now he's faced with two options:

1. Aputate the leg at a cost of $1300...hell, you've already spent a grand on him! And now you and grow old with the cat with the joy of knowing that you've both been through a lot together. Besides, Jen wouldn't have it any other way.

2. Well, put him to sleep. Corey and Jen put off buying a car last week because of this whole mess. They don't have any money anyways. And the second vet told them that you don't want a healing animal around a newborn.

IT LOOKS LIKE DECLAWING REALLY WORKED OUT HERE DIDN'T IT? You went in for a declawing and got a delegging! Great job folks. Pat yourselves on the back. You're great fucking parents. Now that you've killed one living thing, let's go for two.

When we're not hacking off pieces of cats to serve our own selfish needs, we are feeding cats garbage to serve our own selfish needs. Cat food is fucking expensive these days. At 60 cents a can raising a cat can really break the bank. Luckily there are pet food manufacturers that have my needs in mind. Because, you know, having your pet's needs in mind would just be too expensive. What does your 60 cents get you? Here is a list of acceptable sources of protein according to the Association of American Feed Control Officials. You know the organization that sets the guidelines that pet food manufacturers like to boast they meet? Yeah, this is them. Some of the items on this list come from the book Food Pets Die For and others are my own joke entries. You'd be surprised where the actual items that are present in pet food stop and where my jokes begin.

Hydrolyzed hair
Spray-dried animal blood
Dehydrated food-waste. Basically food from restaurants and grocery stores that was thrown in the garbage.
Dried poultry waste. Chicken shit!
Dried swine waste. Pig piss!
Undried processed animal waste product. Basically all other kinds of shit and piss!
Recycled soda cans
Broken Indian peace treaties
Homeless people
Unsold copies of Alanis Morrisette's last CD
Your dead dog or cat

Exclusive picture of cat food being made! Film at 11!!!That last one is sort of funny isn't it? Have cats and dogs become practicing cannibals? You bet your sweet ass they have. Los Angeles alone sends 200 tons of euthanized cats and dogs to West Coast Rendering in Los Angeles every month. While pet food makers deny they use cats and dogs in food, they do not test the raw material that they purchase. Testing pet food for cat and dog DNA has come up negative because DNA breaks down during the rendering process. From Food Pets Die For PhD Peter Faletra explains how heat breaks the bonds between two strands of DNA.

The cells of the organism are degraded by the heat, and that liberates enzymes called DNAses that eat away the DNA. The cell destroys its own DNA when it is dying.

So how do they know there are pets in pet food? Through the magic of sodium pentobarbital. Sodium pentobarbital is used to euthanize dogs and cats in animal shelters. Since the chemical can survive the rendering process it can end up in the food our pets eat. In 1995 the Center for Veterinary Medicine tested several popular brands of cat and dog food for the presence of sodium pentobarbital. These foods tested positive, albeit in very small quantities. However, if the same amount of sodium pentobarbital was found in food intended for humans there would be an instant recall. What's funny is that when a dog and cat ingests this chemical in small doses all their lives it's harder for the chemical to do what it's supposed to do when the animal is finally put down.

And just because they are nice pet food makers include essential minerals that your puppy or kitty need to survive and live a healthy life. From the book Food Pets Die For Ann Martin explains this very generous act of kindness.

The prime minerals that are added to pet food include zinc, iron, and copper. These minerals can, in some cases, cause serious health problems for pets, particularly if you happen to get a bag of food that has an inordinate amount of minerals added. This was how my dogs initially got sick in 1990. I had the dry dog food tested at an independent lab, and the test results showed a zinc level twenty times higher than the daily recommended dose. Veterinarians versed in toxicology whom I contacted explained that zinc levels in excess of 1,000 parts per million can be toxic for dogs. The Recommended Daily Allowance for dogs is approximately 50 mg. per day.

Martin, why are you even complaining? You got a ton of zinc that you didn't even have to pay extra for. Pet food companies put that zinc in there as a bonus prize and I am appalled that you would even question their authority on the matter. Where is your pet food company, huh? What do you know about the subject? My dogs get 2,000 mg. a day of zinc and their eyes glow and their kidneys are the size of basketballs. Those are signs of a happy dog.

Unfortunately it's hard to tell when or how much of this crap is in each can of pet food. There is no testing done to ensure that each can of food is uniform with the others. One day they might throw some actual chicken into the rendering vat. Other days they might throw whole cats, collars, plastic bags, tags, and all. As far as I can tell the regulatory agency that is supposed to oversee the pet food industry consists of a 75 year old man sleeping in a shack somewhere in Montana. The USDA inspects meat intended for human consumption. Meat that has been deemed unfit for human consumption may be used in pet food. Just because the pet food you buy might say "USDA Inspected" on it doesn't mean that it's any good. It may have been inspected and condemned!

Dry food is also an enigma to me. Dogs and cats are both carnivores. Their teeth are designed to shred and tear off meat from bones. They are simply not designed for chewing. The dental "benefits" associated with dry food is nonsense. Dry food does nothing to clean your pet's teeth. Also, cats fed dry food are more likely to develop kidney complications. Even if a cat gets water along with their dry food they will always be more dehydrated than a cat who eats wet food. Cats evolved in the desert where water was scarce. Their thirst instinct is not as strong as that of other animals. Most of the water cats got in the wild was from what they ate, not what they drank.

Is your cat a Happycat?So how do we know all this wonderful food is good for our pets? Animal testing of course! Just leave all that to Iams, the leader in animal nutrition. As far as I can tell all of Iam's testing seems to be based on witchcraft. I understand the need to research and test food products on animals but when the food you are testing is basically made of sawdust and pig piss what exactly do you expect to find? The goal at Iams is to figure out how cheaply they can make a pet food without technically making people's pets not live anymore. We all know that cats eat meat. They are carnivores. So why are pet food companies trying to figure out how to make cat food with the least amount of meat that they can? If you were making a wholesome and nutritious cat food wouldn't you put more meat into it rather than less? In their quest of producing the best pet food possible Iams has conducted the following tests to ensure that their goal is met.

The abdomens of 21 dogs were cut open and their intestines splattered on a nearby wall. The dogs were fed Iams dog food to see if the food would help the dog grow new intestines. The dogs were later killed when the researchers got bored.

The heads of 19 cats were severed and fed Iams dog food anally to see if the cat would grow a dog head.

The stomachs of 14 dogs were cut open so that researchers could build miniature model boats in them. The dogs were later killed when the researchers found something good on television. For the record they watched Will & Grace.

11 dogs and cats were shot in the face because Iams researchers did not meet their killing quota for the day.

Iams rounded up seven kittens that belonged to six different families and stomped on their faces in front of the children. The children were then fed Iams brand pet food to see if it would shut them up.

16 researchers took 42 cans of Iams pet food and chucked them at passing cars because nothing is better than chucking cans of pet food at cars.

12 researchers circle jerked into a can of cat food and the last one to ejaculate had to eat it.

17 veterinarians were brought in and paid various amounts of cash to see how much money it would take for them to recommend Iams pet food to their clients.

5 dogs were thrown into traffic to see if Iams pet food could make a dog so strong that it could stop a car without getting hurt. Then they went to dinner.

Proctor & Gamble CEO A.G. Lafley visited the Iams testing laboratory with his mother and rolled around in dead dogs and cats while giving head to his mother and anally raping dead cats and dogs. Now that's hot.

In 2004 Proctor & Gamble earned 6.5 billion dollars. How much of that went to ensuring that the dogs and cats that worked for their company were given a quality of life comparable to that of a Hispanic person like myself? Probably zero. Dogs and cats were kept in cages for most of the day removed only to be experimented on. Dogs and cats slept on metal grates. How much would it really cost to build a clean facility with a field for the animals to run in? How much does a blanket or a pillow for the dogs and cats to sit on cost? How much does a flat surface to put into cages cost so the animals won't get their feet caught in the grating? I don't know but it must be a lot because Proctor & Gamble apparently can't afford any of these things. I'm all for animal experimentation. Think of the advances we make in medicine because of our animal friends. But when you're experimenting with shit food on animals and not allowing them to do what nature intended them to do, that's just evil.

The animal rights debate will go on for years and years. On one side are companies that want to irresponsibly experiment on animals, sell cheap products, and make money off of ignorant people who have no clue what is really best for their pets. On the other side are annoying organizations like PETA that don't even want animals to be kept inside houses as pets and run around funding pricks that blow up laboratories. Unfortunately there are people like me that are stuck in the middle that just want companion animals to be treated decently.

I pay $19.24 for 24 cans of Wellness canned food at a local pet supply store here in Garden Grove. That comes out to about 80 cents a can. This food claims to be made with human-grade ingredients and no by-products. The chicken flavor smells so good that I wouldn't mind eating some of it. Over at Vons they sell 9 Lives cat food for about 60 cents a can. The first ingredient listed on their pet food is meat by-products. This food smells so bad that when I used to feed it to my cat it almost made me throw up. Is your companion animal really not worth that extra 20 cents a can?

I guess that's up to you.

For more information on declawing visit Declawing.org. For more information about the pet food industry please read Food Pets Die For by Ann N. Martin. You can find it on Amazon.com here. For an alternative to declawing check out Softclaws. For an alternative to clay-based cat litters try Swheat Scoop, which does not contain any harmful chemicals and is biodegradable. My local Target sells it for 8 bucks a box. Ain't that a deal!

– Zachary "Spokker Jones" Gutierrez

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.