This year's edition of NFL Text is better than ever, thanks in part to the deal which grants Corinsoft exclusive rights to use the NFL license in text-based games until 2011! We've worked closely with the league and players to make this the most intense and accurate football title on the market. With a game this in-depth who needs motion capture, or graphics?
Would you like to play a Scrimmage game or begin the Dynasty Mode?
> Dynasty Mode
Please pick a team. (press L for a list of teams)
> Pittsburgh Steelers
You like that Roethlisberger kid, huh?
> Well, yeah but that's not why I picked the team. He's pretty great though.
Ben Roethlisberger slips in the locker room shower, breaking his ankles and wrists. He'll be out for the entire season.
Also, when he fell he reached out for the nearest object to stabilize himself. As a result your second string quarterback Tommy Maddox is out for the entire season with a brain injury (yanked medula oblongata). Your starting quarterback is now Brian St. Pierre.
> shut up, just stop it
This year's Dynasty Mode is more in-depth than ever! In the following Owner's Settings section, you'll control every aspect of your organization from the ground up. The financial future of the franchise is in your hands!
Should beer cost the same as last year, or more?
Should your fans wear jeans or khaki slacks?
Owner's Settings complete!
Here we are in delicious Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania for the Steelers' season opener against the Tennessee Titans. The Steelers have won the coin toss, and elect to...
Kick Off or Receive the opening kick?
Tennessee's kicker approaches the football with sheer determination, his beautiful blue eyes locked onto the ball while his taut buttocks involuntarily clench in anticipation. He grunts in ecstasy as his foot makes contact with the pigskin. The resulting "thwack" echoes louder than a thousand spankings. As the ball sails upward his muscular leg remains fully extended, resembling an elephant's erect member tucked into a white and teal spandex sheath with a size 13 Nike reservoir tip.
> what's supposed to happen now?
What are your thoughts about Unified Field Theory?
You know, the theory which attempts to unify all the fundamental forces and the interactions between elementary particles into a single theoretical framework in order to explain the nature and behavior of all matter.
> It's okay, I guess.
That's all you have to say about it? Are you serious?
> I... like it?
You would. The ball tumbles end over end in the air, and comes back down in your endzone. It's a touchback, so you'll start with the ball on your twenty yard line. Which type of play will you call? (Run, Pass, Special Teams)
The center snaps the ball back into your quarterback's nervous hands, and the play begins.
> pass to Hines Ward
In NFL Text 2006, we have implemented a revolutionary new passing system which utilizes the quarterback's line of sight. In order to guarantee success you must now look at the receiver you wish to pass to.
> look at Hines Ward
You're totally looking at Hines Ward.
> pass to Hines Ward
Interception! The opposing team easily reaches the endzone, turning your horribly executed play into seven points for them.
The Titans line up to kick off once again, but this time their kicker isn't wearing a jersey because he thinks it was bad luck last time around. His unusually large nipples are crimson pancakes in the September afternoon air, thin trails of sweat running across them like colorless syrup. I guess the tufts of chest hair are like some kind of garnish, parsley maybe.
He kicks the ball, and once again it sails into the endzone. Touchback again. Drat, maybe the problem is his restrictive pants...
Which type of play will you call? (Run, Pass, Special Teams)
You attempt to hand the ball off to Jerome Bettis, but the Titans intercept it! They easily reach the endzone.
> challenge the ruling
You cannot challenge a running play interception.
> you cannot intercept a run
Against the advice of his coach and teammates, Brian St. Pierre attempts to take a shower between possessions and falls, breaking his neck. You have no quarterback.
> okay, now this just isn't fair
The Titans' kicker has a twin brother that played quarterback in high school. Sign him as a free agent?
If you have some sort of sick compulsion to read, and you simply can't get enough text in your slutty head then here's some more!
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.