As a rich, young bachelor with a physique whose beauty makes the night sky shudder with envy, I have zero trouble landing top shelf trim night after night. My guy friends call me "the white Hitch" because I'm always the guy to go to for advice about reelin' in the sweeties and I'm a terrific dancer and I'm also white.
Anyway I was drinking by myself the other night and I figured it would be selfish of me to put a "penises only" clause on my expertise, because let's face it ladies, some of you are pretty clueless and revolting yourselves. My hectic schedule wouldn't permit to come up with anything original, but with a tiny bit of scouring I was able to find someone who's got this dating game figured out almost as well as me. Her name is Amy Spencer and she has compiled a list of 10 things every single girl must own for the renowned internet advice column MSN Does Dallas. Over the course of today's update, I'll be going down the list and comparing notes with her to see where we agree and disagree. Let's kick it off.
Paws off, ladies. I'm spoken for.
1. A fabulous photo of yourself
Amy Says: "What he says: "Is that you?" What he means: "Daa-aamn, girl, you're hotter than I realized!" Keep a digital version handy so you can email it to online suitors or blind dates who want a glimpse of the goods beforehand. And never, ever throw it away—when you're 80-something it'll serve as an instant reminder that back in the day, you were a total dish! "
Terrorsaurus Says: I couldn't agree more. Most likely, the picture you choose will have you holding hands with an old flame who moved on to bigger and better things. Stare it in the face every single day to remind yourself what you're missing out on. Helpful hint: Scribble over his face in permanent marker to let potential mates know that you're completely over him. Oh, and for accuracy's sake, when he says: "Is that you?" what he means is: "It looks like all that desperation went straight to your thighs."
2. A pretty pair of heels
Amy Says: "The good news is that these days, you can transform virtually any outfit to make it on-the-town ready by adding heels to a skirt, jeans, cropped khakis, whatever. And no, they don't have to be towering stilettos, even a pair of 1-inch kitten heels will make you stride a little more confidently. (Added bonus: The taller you are, the more cute men you'll be able to see around the room.)"
Terrorsaurus Says: Again, Amy is on the ball here. If you do your research, you'll find that all of history's greatest lovers have had foot fetishes: Danny DeVito, Quentin Tarantino, Eddie Murphy, the list goes on. Reel in these winners with a sexy pair of pumps and spend the next morning thanking yourself for it while he gently nibbles your toes and refuses to break eye contact with you.
Indeed, Lawrence. Indeed.
3. An Eminem CD
Amy Says: "What's one of the first places a guy peruses when he walks into a woman's home? Her music collection. Good for you if you have an extensive one. But if all he sees is a stack of girl bands (say, the Indigo Girls, the Go-Go's, Joni Mitchell and the Bridget Jones' Diary soundtrack), he's going to panic. Balance out your collection with one CD, any CD, by Eminem and you have no idea how relieved he'll be."
Terrorsaurus Says: Amy's definitely on the right track here, but I'm going to go one better and recommend an Allman Brothers box set and Larry the Cable Guy's Right to Bare Arms CD. Take it from a bona fide sexpert ladies: There's nothing less attractive than a gal who thinks she's smarter than you. Follow this advice and you'll be making sure that never happens.
4. A great pickup line... and a way to blow 'em off
Amy Says: "In this post-chivalrous period, we can't always depend on guys to initiate contact, so prepare thyself with one simple, non-cheesy icebreaker to lay on that cutie who's making his way to your area of the bar. Our favorite: "Hi. Having fun?" (Though a friend of mine has recently taken to asking well-dressed men, "Hetero, homo or metro?") And in cases when a guy initiates contact and you're not interested, better have a better blow-off than "Ummmm, no... " Our suggestion: "Sorry, I don't think the guy I'm seeing would appreciate it." Sure, it's a lie, but it'll let him down easy—without destroying his ego or making him think you're a jerk."
Terrorsaurus Says: Masking your loneliness with pithiness is a good idea way to get alcoholics to follow you home. However, the part about letting him down gently is a little worrisome. What I would recommend as a replacement for the rejection strategy is a paper bag full of airplane glue. Also, make sure to have your address tattooed on your inner thighs so he knows where to drop you off at the end of the night.
Thomas "kl0pper" Hatton Says: "MONGO WANT DICK"
Terrorsaurus Says: Who let you in here?
5. A six-pack of good bottled beer
Amy Says: "A prepared single girl is ready to host and toast at any time. If you want to make a guy-guest feel at home and your girlfriends feel special, skip the mass-produced swill and go for microbrews like the exotically-named Smuttynose Shoals Pale Ale from Portsmouth, New Hampshire or the grandfather of microbrews, Sam Adams Boston Lager."
Terrorsaurus says:Although I agree with Amy that alcohol is a good way to numb the body, remove the inhibitions, and anger the Lord, there really is no functional difference between a fridge full of beers-of-the-month and a Dixie cup full of Victory Gin served at room temperature. My advice: Skip the fancy shit and keep your bar stocked with utility booze. Trust me, you'll need an excuse if any of your girlfriends see the kind of guys you bring home, and Jaegerbombs buy you a lot more leeway that Oak Creek Nut Brown Ale.
The cornerstone of every well-stocked liquor cabinet.
6. Bathroom reading
Amy Says: "What man doesn't appreciate finding interesting reading in his sweetie's bathroom? So instead of tossing out your magazines when you're done reading them, toss them into a basket by the toilet. No need to go overboard with a stack of Sports Illustrated (if you don't follow sports, that would just be weird), but consider Newsweek or even Cosmopolitan (hey, this may be the only time he's a captive audience and can learn a few things). Or, just buy a book that's made for the bathroom, like Schott's Original Miscellany by Ben Schott ($10.17 at amazon.com) so he can learn a few things about shoelace lengths and sign language while he passes the, uh, time."
Terrorsaurus Says: This is a pretty clever little suggestion. It says to your new companion "I anticipated your bowel movements long before we ever met, and have made accommodations." Courteous? Yes. Romantic? Not hardly. Try writing love notes on the toilet paper, interspersed with harmless bits of scatological humor. It'll make him feel right at home!
7. A business card
Amy Says: "After the age of 18, it's no longer cute to scrawl your first name and phone number on a napkin and hand it to a man who wants to call you. So if your job doesn't provide a card or you'd prefer one with your personal email address and phone number on it, then have some made at your local Kinko's. The very budget-bound can get 250 full-color business cards for free from vistaprint.com if you don't mind the company's logo on the backside of the card. Hey, it's better than nothing. A napkin he can lose. A card he'll file and keep."
Terrorsaurus Says: The number one thing men look for in potential sex partners is professionalism. Here are some potential ideas for job titles: Women's Studies Major/Graduate, Multiple Cat Owner, Spinster, A-Cup and Proud of it. Be creative!
Amy Says: "Ah, there's nothing sweeter than a man who wants to cuddle up with you in bed for a long night's sleep. Unless — SNZZGGHGHRRJJZZZ! — he snores so loudly you can't get any sleep. Prepare thyself for surprise snorers with a pair of earplugs stashed in your nightstand. (2 pairs of Mack's brand self-described "snore-proof" plugs sell for $2.79 at cvs.com.)"
Terrorsaurus Says: Remember in late 1999 when all those rednecks were stockpiling guns and water and food because the world was about to end? And some of them decided that since money would have no meaning in a few months they might as well blow their retirement fund on supplies to prepare them for all kinds of bizarre and unlikely scenarios? And then the apocalypse never happened and they had to buy a storage unit to hold their 70 tanks of propane and their 5 man life raft? At least earplugs will fit in the drawer on your nightstand.
"I noticed that you had a spare set. I also noticed you were talking. Do you mind?"
9. A straight male friend on your speed-dial
Amy Says: "Every girl knows she needs a gay male friend she can go to for fashion advice (a personal Queer Eye for Your Closet). But when it comes to relationship advice, you need another source. While your female friends may have good intentions, if you really want to know if you should call that guy, save the guesswork and go to someone who's been there, done that."
Terrorsaurus Says: If there's one thing I learned from listening to stand up comedy in the 90s, it's that "platonic" male friends would never sabotage their female friends' budding relationships out of jealousy or spite.
10. A condom
Amy Says: "Hey ladies, you know the drill by now. If you want to be able to have spontaneous fun of the bodily kind, you have to prepare for it yourself. You can't always count on him to have something in his back pocket—or a 24-hour drugstore on the route home. (Your new mantra: If you don't want it to break, you buy it.)"
Terrorsaurus Says: Contraceptives come at the end of the list for a good reason: If you're the kind of person who regularly enjoys reading advice columns like these, AIDS would probably feel like a day at the beach to you anyway.
We might find we have more in common than we think if we just stop fighting long enough to combine our bodies into a singular organism.
Stillson's Controversial Actions During Assassination Attempt Draw Some Criticism
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.