This article is part of the Memos from Bear Cave series.

TO: Beau Brokeman

DATE: August 1, 1978

SUBJECT: The Nature of Your Head

Your head is too damn big. Every time I go to look out the window and admire the parking lot I just paid good money to have re-paved, I see your impossibly stupid head blocking my view. Either do something about the size of your head, or find a new job. I did not just spend all that money on fresh asphalt to see more of your seemingly omnipresent cranium.


TO: All Employees of Bear Cave Soup Co.

DATE: August 7, 1978

SUBJECT: Quality of Soups

Some of you have been griping that we're not putting out "real soup." Ask yourself the following:

Is it mostly liquid?

Will it fit inside somebody's mouth?

If you answered yes to both of these questions, then it is soup. Don't give me any guff about fingers, mice or anything else contaminating the soup. Life isn't perfect or fair. Are you honestly trying to tell me that soup is supposed to be better than life itself? No, it's supposed to be food. Adjust your expectations or FIND A NEW JOB.


TO: All Employees of Bear Cave Soup Co.

DATE: August 18, 1978

SUBJECT: Rockabillyism

I will not tolerate any rotten rockabillies in my employ. The only rockabilly allowed on the premises is my no-good son. You will neither acknowledge nor encourage his rockabilly behavior. Do not make eye contact and do not speak to him.


TO: All Employees of Bear Cave Soup Co.

DATE: August 27, 1978

SUBJECT: Bathroom Habits

The water bill has been outrageous. Effective immediately you will ask my permission before flushing a company toilet. The next time you think you need to flush, get me and I alone will be the judge of whether your activity merits a flush. I do not pay you to flush my toilets all willy-nilly. If you don't like this policy, then take care of your business at home.

Again, it is my sole discretion as to whether you get a flush or not. If I find you are flushing without my permission or asking for flushes you don't deserve, I will fire you.

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About this series

Memos sent from Bear Cave Soup's eccentric president to his poor, beleaguered employees.

Other articles in this series

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.