Heeyyy! New here? Yeah, hey, nice to see some ladies around here. You know, in the workplace. Women in the workplace. The ladies. Heh. Kind of seems like a boys club around here sometimes, right? Finally get some use out of that women's bathroom, right? I mean... you know. We all use the bathroom. I mean, we don't all use the women's bathroom. You do.
Anyway. Great to meet you. I'm Rod, from over in sales. Things are pretty crazy over there! I'm warnin' ya! Might want to stay away from that side of the building if you're offended by crazy guys being their crazy selves, because we play as hard as we work, and we work our asses off. Yeah, it's crazy. Sleep? Never heard of it! Ha ha, no, but seriously, I get plenty of sleep. Sleep is important. Me, I gotta be in bed by between 11PM and 1AM Pacific, or I'm just not running at full steam.
Oh, heh, yeah. I say Pacific time because I have to travel a lot, you know how it is. Fly outta here at least twice a month. First class. All for the clients, baby! So yeah, gotta get that sleep. When you're in sales, believe me, it's full steam or nothing. If you're not "on," the client knows it and he's gonna smell blood in the water. OH! No offense...? You know, with the... the menstruation thing? No no no, my bad, I just saw you looking confused or whatever so I just... yeah, I'm talking figuratively here.
So, yeah. Whew. Mondays, right? Have a good weekend? Yeah, nothing special here. Went out with the boys, hit some clubs, no big deal. Bought a few $300 bottles of champagne. Gotta treat yourself right, you know? You should come out sometime, if you think you can handle it. Sunday I hit the gym. Two hours on the weights, two hours on the treadmill. Yeah, that's about average for me, no big deal. Clients respect power, so you gotta keep it chiseled. Look. Look in my eyes: clients respect power. Yeah, try to keep looking into my eyes. See if you can stay looking in there for ten seconds, I dare you. Clients. Respect. Power.
You like that gaze? That's three years of MMA- mixed martial arts. Teaches you a lot more than throwing elbows through nosebones, let me tell you. You have to be able to control a room with your presence before the punches even start flying. Two words: take command. I can show you some holds sometime, if you want. No big deal.
Oh, hey, I like your calendar. Nice forest pictures, huh? You like the outdoors? Yeah, me too. A lot of guys say they like the outdoors, but I'm the real deal. Yeah, I head out to the lake every third weekend of the month, rain or shine. Some fishing, some jetski, maybe take a special lady out there. No big deal. No power, just some candles and a battery powered boom box. Got some Kid Rock for the daytime when you need to get pumped, then at night we cool things down with some Bryan. I rent a cabin out there, you should come out sometime. Strictly for business, mind you. I like to get to know my coworkers.
Yeah, Bryan. That's right. Bryan Adams. You like Bryan? Yeah, I have pretty diverse taste. Everything from Kid Rock all the way to Bryan Adams. Those soft ballads are great, but sometimes you're like BAWITDABAW DA BANG A BANG DIGGY! Heh, yeah, got a little loud there, hope I didn't rattle the finance guys.
Oh, yeah, this is great, you'll love this. So last weekend, I was out at the lake, just unwinding, you know. A couple of beers, beach chair, some Kid, a fishing line in the water. That's heaven to me. So this old guy comes up, and he's like "could you turn off that music? I don't come to the lake to listen to rock and roll." And I'm like, well I do, so unless you own this lake, back off. Oh, are you God? Are you the National Forest Service? Are you Santa Claus? Then no, you probably don't own this lake. Turns out he was with the Forest Service, though, so yeah.
No, it'll be fun. We can go out in my truck. You might have noticed out the parking lot, the twin cab truck? Black one with the full bed? Yeah, that's my baby. Nothing like rolling up in that baby and parking across three or four spaces, cause it lets people know who's the big dog. People say to me, "Rod, why not get a smaller car? You live in the city," but I'm like, first of all, I can't just turn off the part of me that goes out to the lake every third weekend, rain or shine. Second of all, you try hauling two jetskis on the back of a Prius. Not gonna happen.
The first phase of The Olive Garden's cyber rollout will introduce their Neverending Pneumatic Pasta Tube. This works on the same principal as bank drive-thru deposit tubes, but with unfrozen linguini and spaghetti.
Do you remember the crazy clothes and hair of the 1990s? Do you remember Crystal Pepsi and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? Do you remember where you hid the box your mother gave you?
It's still okay to like Ben Stiller, guys.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.