The perfect face to facial hair ratioI'm close. Really close in fact. I'm almost a man. I mean, don't get me wrong, I am a man (I'm flexing my muscles as you read this) but I can almost show it off. You see, the world runs on one fact: facial hair is the only way to prove masculinity.
So ultimate power relies on facial hair. But what about you and your rosy cheeks? Well, you don't stand a chance. Sorry. A gun collection or a republican vote may trick the fools, but deep down you know that those decisions won't cover your smooth baby face. Oh no. So what are the options for someone who can't get enough hair on their head? Well, you have only four choices:
*No longer legal/acceptable/possible
I know, it's rough, but hang in there little one, the future looks promising. I haven't always been this close. In middle school, I once saw my smooth reflection in the mirror and immediately questioned my masculinity. I wiped off the mascara and took off the ascot, and still I was unable to prove to myself how manly I was. When chest hair started growing, I thought I was close; but now, many years later, the beard is still missing. I also thought I was close a few months ago when a 4-inch long hair sprouted out of my back, but apparently location is more important than world record length.
To make the wait more pleasurable, I have compiled a short list of facial hairstyles that a novice may be drawn towards. I have purposefully left out the neckbeard. So here's the top three styles based on coolness and easiness in growing.
3rd Place: The Collected Works of J. Lennon and P. McCartney
The music and the facial hair of The Beatles evolved through the years. The two chief architects began as humble, clean-cut boys and morphed over a decade into two angry, drug-riddled egomaniacs. And while the relationships crumbled within the group, so did general hygiene until both the band and the beards blew up all over their faces. In the end though, they both end up looking like Chewbacca at prom.
When a kid decides to learn guitar, he'll start with a Beatles' song, and when a kid decides to grow an awkward or disgusting beard, he'll start with a Beatles' beard. While it may appear to be an easy type of facial hair to grow (simply don't shave,) the true difficulty is finding enough acid.
Easiness to Grow: 4
2nd Place: The Classic Lumberjack
A natural disposition to cut/kill things
Being a walking homoerotic fantasy
That's close to being a lumberjack, but without the beard you are just another typical scenester asshole. The full facial cover was originally invented to protect loggers from the claws of attacking squirrels while they crushed the rodents' tiny skulls. Though the original function is lost in civilized countries, the beard is perfect for ugly men or men trying to get a girl who wears these. The closest imitation in modern society is the hockey playoff beard, which is another Canadian feature. So this beard is basically reserved for Rush fans, which is fine, since it is also impossible to grow. I'd have to have my jaw surgically swapped with that of a brown bear to get such a rugged beard, but I'd also be able to crush a man's arm with my teeth. I'll consider that a fair trade.
Easiness to Grow: 2
But what's #1?
Simply put, if I had Johnny Manziel’s physical gifts, you better believe I would be there in the Weight Room, getting to bed early, doing whatever I had to do to be the best possible athlete I could be. I wouldn't be posting on social media about sucking titties. I wouldn't even look at a titty, buddy. I'd look at a titty and see two big footballs.
A real friend doesn't move until the middle of August, ensuring temperatures in the 90s and a humidity that turns boxers into moist balls of ruined cotton.
Expendable? You must be joking.
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