It seems as though a lot of people have a hard time knowing when to say “don’t worry, it’s just allergies.” For most of us it’s simple (Right: An explanation of your visible allergy symptoms. Wrong: An excuse for general grotesque behavior). But for those who need a refresher, here’s a helpful little quiz to clear up any confusion.
Should you say “Don’t worry, it’s just allergies” if…
You sneeze at work, and though you are certain to cover with your sleeve, you notice a coworker’s concern? YES
You sneeze three inches away from a coworker, covering her face in a fine spray of green mucous? NO
You’re forced to clear your throat during a conversation and the other speaker asks if you’re feeling okay? YES
After coughing into your hand, you stare with great intent at whatever viscous fluid you’ve dislodged against your palm. You then ask someone if you can borrow their pen? NO
You’re unable to shake a light cough and you’re nervous about distracting others? YES
You’re in the processes of licking all your fingers before fishing all the ice out of someone’s drink? NO
You’re migraine is mistaken as anger or disappointment? YES
You’re currently drenched in sweat and blacking out from a fever high enough to bake your brain. But instead of going home, you’re now being hoisted up by people with more empathy than common sense? NO
You have a sore throat and ask if anyone has a lozenge? YES
You have amassed enough snotty tissues to build a personal fortress—a task that you’ve been focusing on for five hours in the center of your apartment’s common area? NO
You politely ask a stranger if there are any cats or stairs in their house? YES
You find out in front of a large crowd that it is not pronounce as a Me-Me? NO
After eating a cookie that said it doesn’t have peanuts, your cheeks redden and you can feel your tongue slightly swell? YES
You have mysteriously begun squirting blood from any/all orifices and you’re impromptu solution is to see how far it can shoot? NO
You’re embarrassed about people seeing a slight rash on your arm after being stung by a bee? YES
You thought you were being sly, but actually everyone just saw you vomit in that mailbox? NO
Republicans announce that all legislation must be voted on at 2am in a secret chamber, with no one but the lobbyists who write the bills seeing a single line of text. Democrats' Response: Stumbling around a field stepping on rakes, handles smashing them directly in their faces every single time.
There is a witch hunt going on right now and I promise you that you will not find any witches in the pleasure room in my congressional office.
For fans of meaningless awards, these awards are extra meaningless.
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