I know this may effect our relationship, but I can't keep living this lie. I'm just going to put it out there. No matter what I have said in the past, honey, I don't like big butts. In fact, I hate them. I loathe them. At this point, after everything I have seen over the years, I can say with total certainty: there is nothing worse than a big butt.
Every day I feel responsible for the proliferation of big butts. I never wanted so many big butts. I was just looking for a hook for my song. I should have written a song about skinny girls with flat butts like a 1980s white girl.
When a girl walks in, irrespective of waist size, if she puts a round thing in my face I will probably want to die. I have a big butt allergy. I want 'em real thin and reedy, not trying to be needy. If you want to hook up and get me hard then have a butt like a debit card. I'm ashamed of my song.
I identify most closely with the attitude portrayed in the talk up at the beginning of "Baby Got Back." The valley girls scorning the big butts. I also scorn them. Down with big butts.
Big butts aren't healthy, ladies. They might indicate heart disease risk. High blood pressure. Definitely getting stuck in desks at your kid's parent/teacher conferences. My home boys tried to warn me and I have been regretting my big butt branding ever since.
You can do side bends and sit ups, but you're going to want to go 50/50 with lunges and squats if you want to tone your glutes.
They have butt implants now and I feel at least a little bit responsible for that. I'm not saying a beautiful woman can't have a big butt, I'm not about that sort of negativity, I'm just referring to my personal taste.
If I had my choice of back situations below the belt, I'm talking a line with a dot in the middle. Sort of like a lowercase "i" where the dot fell halfway down the rest of it. From the side I want to see a profile like a greyhound.
I worry about your BMI, girl. Maybe we can get you fixed up with a trainer and put you on paleo. For health reasons. Get that butt looking like the bottom of a dish sled. Like you're smuggling magazines down your pants.
So if I am being 100% honest, I don't want to see a big butt ever again. To the beanpole dames in the magazines: Right on, girl! Whatever you're doing, keep on doing it. I am loving every minute of it.
I know there are some fine sisters out there living in the shadow of a big butt. Come out from underneath that hang, girl. Let's see your board shorts. Work that thing like a double hung storm window. Drop it like the gate at a toll both, I got exact change so you can let me through.
In summary, take care of yourself, because this obsession with big butts is leaving a lot of booty shorts with only ghosts to wear them. Ghosts can't wear booty shorts. They just fall off.
The latest information on butts is always available on Zack's Facebook page.
Elliot said my breakup must have been due to the sweater curse, an unexplained phenomenon where anyone who gives their significant other a hand-knit sweater gets dumped. The only way to break the curse, Elliot said, was to destroy the sweater.
Can't tell a drinking fountain from a urinal? We've got you covered. Brush up on your drinking fountain enthusiast -- or sipper -- vocabulary and learn to talk and swap sips with the best of them.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.