Dear Staff,

As you all know, the year-end holidays bring some serious traffic into E-Z Pay Day Loans. Thanks to our special reduced interest rate of 33.99% during the busy Christmas shopping season, customers are practically breaking down our doors every morning. And, in some cases, literally breaking down our doors at the E-Z Pay Day Loans locations adjacent to liquor stores that open an hour earlier. It's a hectic time for everyone, and I think we can avoid incidents like what happened last year with Raul if we seriously rethink our strategy. And just remember: You've all been instructed to gently shoo away his family if they try to place flowers in the corner where he was allegedly bludgeoned to death.

That said, I think it's time we give our E-Z Pay Day Loans store the full Christmas treatment. In 2014, all we had was a sad string of colored lights, and I guess now we realize how easily this sort of decoration can be used to hogtie a full-grown man before he's allegedly bludgeoned to death. So it goes without saying that lights are off the table. But there's no reason we can't give our special and convenient form of lending a little dose of much-needed Christmas cheer. Sure, most of our budget to keep the store presentable goes towards chemicals that halt the thick fog of urine wafting in from the alleys outside, but it doesn't take a whole lot of money to give this former feral animal euthanization clinic the True Reason for the Season.

Take the tape in our supply closet, for example. All it takes is a little ingenuity to turn it into an impromptu decoration! Just wrap it evenly around the bars on our windows and--BOOM!--suddenly we're living in a candy cane village that can also prevent most B&E attempts. And it only takes a dash of White-Out to turn your window into a regular Winter Wonderland: Just paint your favorite snowflake design on what I've been told is bulletproof glass, and you'll practically hear the suicidal strains of "Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas" echoing in your head. And if you look at the height chart by the door, you notice I've taken the liberty of replacing it with a stack of plastic snowman lawn ornaments graciously donated by a Santa's Christmas Village with subpar security. Just remember, those things measure two feet from top to bottom, so if someone comes in and holds you at gunpoint, they'll likely be three snowmen tall.

And we at E-Z Pay Day Loans' will also place a focus on the little ones who enter our store, as most of them are still full of childlike wonder and not aware of the hopeless cycle of poverty they're trapped in. That's why the northeast corner of our store will be known as Santa's Magic Blizzard: Any child who wanders into it will be showered in cross-cut shredded background checks meant to approximate an actual snowstorm. And if any of these kids find a "snowflake" with a full social security number printed on it, they'll be allowed to bring it over to one of the clerks to find out why that particular person made Santa's "Naughty List." It's just one of the many ways we can give back to the community, even if they've attempted to rezone our block into an industrial dumping site during the last six elections.

To sum up, that's really why we're here, aren't we? To give people a hand-up by giving them a "head start" on their biweekly wages they can then pay back over the next 10 or 15 years. It's a real service we provide to our local citizenry, and I doubt you'd all be here making slightly more than minimum wage if you didn't sincerely believe in our mission statement. Oh, and if one of you wouldn't mind, would it be possible to put up a Christmas tree in the corner by window five? You can still make out the imprints where Raul's skull allegedly smashed into the linoleum, and that's a hair in the eggnog if there ever was one.

– Your E-Z Pay Day Loans Supervisor

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

Copyright ©2016 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.