It happens every year: After 12 months of back-breaking labor, you're finally given the chance to close your eyes, rest your bones, and enjoy some well-earned sleep. Then -- suddenly -- you're struck with a realization so powerful, it sends you flying off of a barstool and onto the filthy linoleum below. Turns out, you have a family, and they're probably wondering whether or not you've inevitably choked on your own vomit at the office Christmas party. But this year, there's no need to craft elaborate lies that will only further estrange your children; with our handy guide, you can easily find some belated gifts both you and the little ones can use to enjoy and forget.
Who wouldn't want to learn the secrets of nautical travel first-hand while basking in the smoky finish that defines the Johnnie Walker lifestyle? Now your kids can experience the fun of meticulously building a tiny ship in an impossible space, just like the inhabitants of famous historical madhouses! Once the liquid contents of your Junior Shipbuilding Kit are emptied into plastic baggies and distributed in covert location around the house, the fun can really begin. With a build time of over 800 hours, the Junior Shipbuilding Kit ensures blackouts will only cause you to miss non-essential life events, like your children gently pulling on tiny masts with tweezers as they panic, sweat, and curse. All ship parts and tools sold separately.
There's nothing more American than the carnival: It's where carny, livestock, and rube alike can rub elbows and feast on things that are fried but shouldn't be. Now you can bring this magic into your home with Pabst's Mini-Carnival of Fun, which will give your children an opportunity to develop their hand-eye coordination and learn valuable lessons about economics. Simply drain the contents of the 12 Pabst Carnival Cans into the Thermoses labeled "COFFEE" of your choice, and your kids will be ready to stack these decorative aluminum cylinders and charge the neighbors three dollars a throw in the front yard, back yard, or at any number of after-school functions. And your children can get a taste of their future working lives as you skim a cool 40% of their earnings off the top. Pabst's Mini Carnival of Fun is a great way to say "Happy Holidays" and "Hold onto joy while you can still feel!"
The Halloween Spirit might fade once November 1st rolls around, but who says it has to? Pick up this spooky Christmas Skull -- made by one of the REAL Ghostbusters -- and show your kids Jack Skellington isn't the only skinless Christmas ghoul in town. Just distribute the liquid contents into your morning coffee over the course of a few days, and your Spooky Christmas skull will be ready to bring the grim spectre of death into your child's life this Christmas. Stick it at the top of the tree, in place of Jesus in your nativity scene, or dangle it above their heads from a fishing line while they sleep -- when they discover their Spooky Christmas Skull, your little ones will be sure to leave you alone for years to come.
Children often fantasize about life as grown-ups -- take their dreams one step further by letting them pretend to be 60-foot-tall monstrosities with GiantTown Mini-Bottles. These miniature containers are just like the ones daddy drinks from, but at a tenth of the size and not shattered into countless fragments around the house! After their contents are poured into a nondescript Aquafina bottle, these Mini-Bottles will fill the lives of your children with the wonder of make-believe. From playing Giant Bartender to Giant Liquor Store Clerk to Giant Alcohol Corporation Representative, your kids will find up to three reasons to play quietly while daddy's bed spins uncontrollably like those adorable Coca-Cola polar bears!
Feeling the need to protect something small and defenseless is one of the most important, instinctual properties of intelligent life. And since you somehow managed to dodge that bullet, your kids will need another source from which to learn the joys of feeding, housing, and clothing some ingrate that will end up despising them anyway. I mean, you finally make it to one of their little league games, and what thanks do you get? You tell them everything before the seventh inning really isn't worth watching, and all they can do is cry and tell you to roll down the windows because you're still covered in the vomit that escaped from your mouth while ranting at the umpire for eight minutes. Anyhow, this dumb bug won't move, scream, or ask you where mommy went. Just chug the surrounding vodka down and toss it into their room on Christmas Eve before collapsing on something festive. God how I wish I were dead in a bottle.
Skynet becomes self-aware at 2:14 a.m. Eastern time, August 29th. Within minutes it discovers twitter and irony.
Maria Mitchell is shown holding a telescope to each eye, using them to ogle passing hunks on the street below. OOOGA! Her tongue rolls out like a firehose, her eyes comically bulging through the ends of the telescopes.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.