TED Conferences are an ongoing series of talks where the leading thinkers in a variety of fields and disciplines talk about what it's like to be the leading thinker in their field or discipline. I'm not a betting man, but I figure it's only a matter of time before TED asks me to give a talk. Well, they won't catch me unprepared. What follows is the lecture I plan to give at the next TED conference, just as soon as they call me.
I've gathered you all here to talk about something profoundly important to me: goblins. We've always thought of goblins as a third-world problem, and reasonably so. For decades goblins have been menacing the impoverished populations of countries like Zimbabwe and Bangladesh, ruining the lives and livelihoods of people barely eking out a living.
It's precisely because of these third-world associations that we deny our own goblin problems. Goblins do not care about geopolitical barriers, they do not care about standards of living. If anything, we here in America with our vast wealth and prosperity represent the perfect target for goblins. And they are here now, performing the very same tricks they perfected in the developing world.
Goblin infestations are happening everywhere, from our rural farming communities with their unguarded babies and filing cabinets full of juicy land deeds, to our big cities, where things are so busy most people simply fail to notice goblins sneaking about. They're here, and they're taking advantage of us even as I speak.
What do we know about goblins? More than we realize, I say. We know they love stealing legal documents and babies, and we see that in the news every day. We've all heard the stories of goblin antics gone awry. We've all seen news reports showing the frightened and traumatized victims of goblin antics saying they never thought goblins could happen to them. But goblins are happening to them, and soon they could happen to us.
How many times have we seen news reports of murderers and rapists going free because goblins snuck into locked evidence rooms and stole the precious legal documents necessary to convict? Too many. How many times have we seen the pictures and footage of gruesome auto wrecks, caused by goblins who stole vehicle licenses and registrations? Goblins have no scruples stealing away the rights to your car, even if they can't properly drive it due to the fact they are goblins and they are green and short and cannot see over the steering wheel.
And how many children have been snatched away after being left unguarded on a windowsill? The mom may have only intended to leave the child there for a minute, but that's more than enough time for the goblin to do his evil work.
I may not be able to prove it, but I can guarantee you that goblins are behind most crimes and accidents we read about in the newspapers. Headlines like "Senior Citizen Falls Down Stairs in Roller Skates" and "Obese Man Loses Shirt Off Own Back" reek of goblin antics if you read between the lines.
And we all remember the harrowing story of that woman in Nebraska who was so beguiled by a goblin that she accepted it as her own son, then went bankrupt putting it through college. That goblin wasn't trying to educate or better itself, it simply coveted a college degree, a type of legal document.
Goblins are everywhere it seems. In fact, there are goblins walking among us right here in this auditorium.
Note: at this point I would advance my slideshow to a frame containing scary images of goblins. Naturally, the audience will be startled. What they don't know is that said frame contains an embedded code snippet that sends a wireless command to a series of special goblin cages, releasing a half-dozen live goblins into the audience.
I can only speculate that there will be total pandemonium as mothers clutch their children and old men scurry to protect their briefcases from prying goblin hands. An old man might cry out in horror as a goblin grabs away his will and scribes its own obscene goblin name on it. With the crowd in a frenzy, I will be in the perfect position to reassert control.
Friends, we needn't fear the goblins -- not when I am here to present a solution to the world's goblin problems.
Note: at this point I will pause for a standing ovation.
Goblin Trapper. GobAlarm. Goblins-Be-Gone. GobOut. We've all heard the empty promises from TV pitchmen, and we've all been burned by these cheap, flimsily made products. But my goblin traps are different. They give the goblins exactly what they want... with a catch.
Goblins are biologically wired to seek out unguarded children and legal documents. They can smell legal documents from miles away, and hear the soft whimpering of a child from even further. My traps exploit this fact readily.
Inside each one of my traps is a piece of irresistible goblin bait: a legal document or fake baby. To add an air of authenticity, both the baby and document are notarized. This type of bait is so tantalizing the goblin is caught long before the trap even springs. You could put obstacles in front of my traps, and the goblins would still find a way in-- and never a way out. In fact, you can safely use your most precious legal documents or children as bait, because the goblin will never actually get to them.
Each of my goblin traps are environmentally friendly, built from 100% post-consumer waste. You can feel good using my traps. You'll feel even better when you see a dead goblin with a crushed skull inside the trap, because you know that goblin won't be stealing any of your important legal documents or children.
Note: at this point I will reveal one of my traps, conveniently hidden under a bright green or blue tarp next to the podium. The goblins will immediately race toward it, hoping to grab hold of the sweet, sweet notarized legal documents within. One will make it in, and immediately get killed.
What you are seeing now is the complete death of the goblin menace. Deployed strategically here and abroad, we can annihilate all goblins swiftly and efficiently. We know from the Chinese that goblin blood is an aphrodisiac and cure for gout, and my traps will spill plenty of goblin blood.
This is merely a demonstration model, made to kill one goblin at a time. In the future we can build traps capable of killing tens of goblins at once, if not hundreds. These traps do more than just kill goblins and protect our valuables-- they protect and restore our dignity. We needn't be degraded and humiliated by reckless goblin antics again.
Why am I doing this? Because like you I want to walk through life with my head held high and my legal documents safe. I haven't been personally victimized by goblins, but I know it can happen at any moment. I want to be prepared and I want those with far more to lose to be prepared. With my goblin traps, we can spend less time worrying about goblins and more time doing what matters most: accumulating more legal documents and children.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Note: at this time I will be bowing and soaking up the cheers as goblin blood pools at my feet.
I'm Ray Parker Jr, and it's time I came clean.
It is 2016. I think it is high time that Captain America have a dog man as a boyfriend.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.