This article is part of the Roamin' Dad series.
HELLO!!!!!!! From your father!! The spring season reminds me of your upbringing and Easter mornings in particular. I think the most eventful one was when you were about six and we hid a bunch of eggs around the yard but you didn't find them all I guess because a few weeks later I ran over one with the mower and a huge piece of rotting boiled egg went flying out from under the mower and rolled across the street and a neighborhood cat chased it down and ate it and crawled under the house and meowed in agony for 2 days and nights straight
One week ago I decided to leave my mark on this town and I published an ad in the paper that said i will be holding a big easter egg hunt city-wide on easter morning with my famous eggs all over the place including on sidewalks and porches and trees and grass so I went out and bought $700 worth of eggs and got to boiling them and drew up a bunch of maps to get all prepared, but then the mayor sent over a guy with a letter that said basically "Please Don't Put Eggs All Over The Town Nobody Could Possibly Find Them All And They Will Get Old And Smell " which is patently false because about 40 of them were going to go in the creek and those for sure would not smell. The town would have changed their mind if they knew about how it was going to work
"Fight To Survive While You Find My Eggs..." and "Find My Poltergeist Egg Babies Before They Stink Up Your Carport, House, Family, And More" none of these signs up all over the town would make a lot of sense until you made your way toward the graveyard and found a new huge tombstone with a tiny little loudspeaker that is saying "Resuscitate Meeeee" in a cool ghost voice from beyond the grave. There would be a pipe or tube for you to put the eggs in and when enough eggs got rolled down it i would bust out of the ground (i was going to be asleep under a tarp covered with leaves and a little dirt) and congratulate them on finding most of the eggs and tell them the eggs are safe to eat and then return to my grave nest to die, wailing and reminding them that life is fleeting until i am fully covered in leaves again. It is a good lesson
The next morning after hiding about 60 of the eggs it got really hot out and i was eating a lot of the eggs so i was getting tired, which is when I decided to take my egg-bindle home and come up with a new way to finish the egg plan. I waited around, casually eating eggs for about 8 hours and decided that this wasn't the event for me so i crunched the numbers and figured out that I needed to eat 19 eggs per day to eat them all before they go bad, which is what I have been doing for the past 5 days, except for most of the days where i got to around 12 eggs which is when a whole bunch of stomach acid starts to come up (no eggs though)
TAKE CARE!!!!!!! DAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Not what I had in mind when I ordered an Italian gondolier. This is literally just a tiny toy. Needless to say, the Italian businessmen were not impressed and I looked like a damn fool. We lost the pizza pie account and will have to lay off half our factory.
Did you know that you only use 10% of your brain? You may have heard that before. But what if you could use 100%? YOU CAN!
Time to applaud the man who applauds in a loop until the end of time.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.