This article is part of the Roamin' Dad series.
HELLO!!!!!!!!! I hope you are doing good!! Ten days ago i felt mighty hungry so i stopped at a restaurant and was eating in my car. I thought I was alone but I looked over and a number of men were standing around my car watching me eat and it looked like they were placing bets on me (throwing money on the ground and pointing at me) so i started to put the car into reverse and the started saying "Aww" like they were disappointed so i turned the car back off and finished my burger and then got out of there. I decided to get healthier so I wouldn't need to eat so much. the small man in the cowboy hat looked to be the winner
I saw a sign on the drive home that said "ROAD GYM" with a big red arrow pointing down a small road so i went down it and there weren't any buildings at all until i got to one where there was a great big guy inside his house eating and watching TV. i knocked on his screen door and said i was trying to find the gym and he said "Ah Yeah, Come On Let's Go" and got up with a big groan and was licking his lips and fingers. We got inside his truck and he told me how he and his wife opened a brand new gym and it's down the road a little further. he was wearing a shirt that said "Numero Uno!" and it was all stretched out and greasy
It was a big room in a strip mall with lots of weight machines and i could tell it was going to be a good place to get some heavy lifting done. Some of the weight machines had the big black iron bricks replaced with huge buckets filled with concrete and there was a man watching tv and not doing any lifts. i asked when I could get started doing my power lifts and we started talking about my goals as a fit man. he suggested i start with cardio and said I should take his wife's class and that she was probably in the aerobics area right now so we walked around the tv man and over some big slabs of drywall that i thought were gym mats but nope they were drywall.
He led me into a small room where there was a terrible small woman tumbling around on a couch. She was very old and doing front flips and landing on the cushions and she was dressed in a leotard and it was very upsetting to watch i was not a happy camper. the couch had many stains. Her gyrations were out of control and there was lots of really high intensity music and she was very pumped up and excited and i wanted to get out of there but the big man was standing in the doorway. I was trying to gently push to get out but he was keeping me in there and made me watch until the little woman got all tuckered out (about 10 minutes) and he said it was his common law wife and they started kissing with tongues and that's when i was able to go back to the truck and wait there for the man to come back and drive me back to my car (he did) and when he got in the truck and started to back out she came to the doorway and winked and blew him a kiss and it was the grossest thing to me. he told me that the couch was an old one from his house
I told a bunch of lies really quick about how i would come back the next day and pay the fees to get started right away and told him my real name is Chet and to call my phone number which was a number i made up on the spot but i remember it being mostly 2's. i also asked him which grocery store he goes to and now i know all the hot spots to avoid.
Sometimes I dream that I'm sitting in the back of the defunct Weinermobile as it careens driverless down the highway. At first I thought this was symbolic of the powerlessness I feel in life, but then I realized it's actually the Weinermobile's dream of being able to drive again.
Three years ago, when we were burying my uncle, Cleaver and some gross lady dog (Solstice???) showed up at the cemetery and starting going at it really loudly. It ruined everything and we had to have a "re-do" the next day and it cost a fortune. I've hated him ever since for that.
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