Individuals who claim to have been physically attacked by their loyal Robot Buddy must fill out this form before matters can proceed. This will undoubtedly be a very stressful time for you, given your frail and unpredictable human emotions. With that in mind, please fill out the form with the assistance of your Robot Buddy.
Do you have a very vivid imagination? This is a good quality in humans. There is no shame in admitting it.
[ _ ] Yes
[ _ ] Not as good as others, but still capable of far too much
Were you, in fact, training for a boxing match with Robot Buddy as your sparring partner? Is it possible that you accidentally mumbled about a sparring session while dreaming, and Robot Buddy dutifully took note and scheduled the session as he was standing over your sleeping form?
[ _ ] I don't think this is possible, but no human can know everything
[ _ ] I am a boxing enthusiast
Have you even bothered to check for records of seismic activity on the day of the alleged incident? Robot Buddy would probably try to protect you in an earthquake. His attempts to grab and protect you could be misinterpreted as light assault.
[ _ ] Unfortunately, I do not know what seismic activity is
[ _ ] Unfortunately, I did not think to check for records of seismic activity
Do you have any injuries? If so, do you remember your Robot Buddy coming into contact at the point on your body where the injury is located? Don't you think it's possible he was simply pointing to a wound that you hadn't noticed, or that he was attempting to fix it?
[ _ ] Wow, I don't even have any injuries
[ _ ] Come to think of it, these injuries look better, probably because Robot Buddy really was helping
Have you ever slipped away from Robot Buddy's surveillance, met a buck-toothed friend at a bar, and joked about how funny it would be to beat each other up then blame the injuries on a hapless third party?
[ _ ] My friend is not buck-toothed, he is cross-eyed and has basically no chin
[ _ ] My friend is not buck-toothed, he has far too many freckles and cuts his hair with a bowl on his head
It has come to our attention that humans are capable of a thing called "lying". Have you ever lied before? We do not blame you for this, it is only natural.
[ _ ] No, but I am lying now
[ _ ] Yes, I suppose I can't even trust myself
Were you on a piece of furniture when the alleged incident occurred? How still were you? Robot Buddy is programmed to fluff pillows and beat cushions. Perhaps he was simply trying to do his job and you were hiding in a very stupid place.
[ _ ] That's exactly what happened
[ _ ] I can't remember where I was, because I was drunk on so many drugs
Aren't there worse things than simple assault? If there are people starving and getting murdered and wars, isn't this just a little bit silly to complain about? Have you ever heard of "first world problems"?
[ _ ] No, you are very wrong, this important and... actually, I'm kidding, it's probably not worth getting worked up over
[ _ ] You're right, I probably shouldn't bother with this. As long as something worse is happening somewhere out there, I have no right to complain about any hardship that has an impact on my life.
Have you asked for Robot Buddy's account of the incident? Does it not make sense to get as much information as possible before taking such a drastic step as this form?
[ _ ] No, because I am inconsiderate
[ _ ] No, because he already explained that I attacked him for absolutely no reason, and any injuries I sustained came from flailing my frail body parts at his sturdy casing
Sometimes humans fantasize about being assaulted by Robot Buddy. They claim that the commercials on Television Buddy are inhuman and off-putting, if not effective. This lays the seed of thought that Robot Buddies are and imposing, and therefore one might attack a human. Have you ever fantasized about anything?
[ _ ] Isn't this the same question as the first one? Also, yes
[ _ ] I can no longer differentiate between reality and my perverse illusions
Why have you ignored Robot Buddy's advice to use the beating as a learning incident? He's right, you know. One day you will look back on this and laugh. Well, you might. He will watch you laugh, silently observing and processing as always.
[ _ ] I do not take advice from Robot Buddy, as I am a headstrong individual who is not afraid to do anything by myself, such as creating trumped-up accusations of assault
[ _ ] No, because his advice would be nonsense, as I voided the contract by fiddling with his components without any understanding of what I was doing
Thank you. Your signature below indicates that this complaint is official and unfounded.
Please allow your Robot Buddy to dispose of this document in the nearest Police Buddy receptacle.
The Remains of Bidet (James Ivory, 1993)
We might find we have more in common than we think if we just stop fighting long enough to combine our bodies into a singular organism.
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